You’d assume that your best friend would be the ideal person to share your weight struggles and trials with. For some people this is true, for others it is not. I fell into the second category, where my “best friend” turned out to be the best person to share my struggles with, but not the best person to share my successes with. We had been friends since we were both young married women, and always shared the ups and downs of married life and life with children. She watched me balloon up from an average size to a morbidly obese woman in a matter of 3 years. She was there when I tried every diet known to man, and failed miserably at each one. She was also there when I finally got started losing weight, using my Fit to the Finish plan.
Getting started on my weight loss plan involved some preparation. I had to rid the house of trigger foods, plan my exercise program and practice eating the proper portions. I also hunted through old photo albums, and as a visual incentive of my goal, taped an old picture of my thinner self on the refrigerator. One day, while at my house, she commented, “You don’t really think you can be that thin again do you?” I looked at her and said, “Well, I’m sure going to try.” She made a face, and went on with her previous conversation. I thought about her comment the whole rest of the day. I wondered why she would say that, and what her motives were. I eventually decided that she didn’t mean anything by it, and went on with the process of losing weight. At 50 pounds there wasn’t a big difference, but by 100 pounds the difference in my appearance was startling and surprising to those who saw me. Everywhere I went people would embarrass me with their effusive comments, and often times, my friend was with me.
As I got thinner and more fit, my friend’s comments to me became more pointed and mean spirited. I felt such confusion. We had been friends for so long – why was she acting like this? When I finally started changing my lifestyle that last time I deliberately choose to only tell her and my husband. I didn’t want to tout to the world the fact that I was once again trying to get healthy. I choose to share my struggles with her and she wasn’t being supportive. It just didn’t seem fair. In the past, I may have let her disapproval of me throw me off track, and I probably would have turned to food when hurtful comments were said. This time, I was strong enough within myself to realize the problem was hers, not mine. I didn’t let her own personal issues cloud my goals and objectives, and in some ways her attitude made me a stronger person.
When I finally lost the 150 pounds she was the one person who never said, “Good job.” It was hurtful and painful, and even though we struggled on with our friendship for several more years, we eventually drifted apart. That experience taught me a lesson. Don’t assume that your friends will be happy for you as you change your lifestyle and get healthy. Looking back, I assume she was jealous, although she was a normal size herself. Perhaps she liked the “fat Diane” better than the “thin Diane.” I share this story to make you aware of the fact that people in your life who you are close to may not be comfortable with a new and different you. I was the same person I had always been inside, but with some added self confidence. As you journey through your weight loss experience don’t be upset if you hear comments that aren’t supportive and encouraging. Try to do as I did – take the comments with a “grain of salt” and keep moving forward towards your set goal. Don’t turn to food for comfort if your friend doesn’t support you – look within yourself to find the strength to continue on.
I hope you only have supportive friends and family, but even if you do not, you can be successful at winning the battle with your weight. Diane
I think this can be a really tough situation… Of course, weight loss is not the only aspect of life that affect our friendships – some friendships don’t survive marriage, having kids or divorce.
We choose our friends, so if they are less than supportive, we can sort of avoid them until the friendship fizzles out, but when it’s a spouse, your children or other close relatives, this kind of situation can be really challenging.
I’m fortunate that my “people” are 100% behind me and cheering me on.
Hanlie,
I’m glad your people are there for you, because it makes this whole journey much easier! You are right – it can be a tough situation, but fortunately my “friend” was the only one who wasn’t supportive, and the rest of my family and other friends were wonderful cheerleaders. In the past I might have gotten mad at my friend and eaten more food, but this time I just knew I was doing the right thing for me and continued on.
Thanks so much for your insightful comment. Diane
This is my first visit to your blog and I’m so impressed with your passion and focus! I am trying to drop 40 pounds and have started running. Yeesh! I’m so slow! Still, people like you keep the dream alive.
As for your so-called friend, I think she was indeed jealous and had too many insecurities to handle celebrating your success. Ironically, the thinner you got, the more you outgrew her.
BRAVO!
I just have to ask…did you ever talk to her about it and ask her about her weird behavior?
@ClizBiz – Thank you so much for the comment! Good for you on working to lose 40 pounds. I run occasionally, and am still super slow. I’m almost embarrassed to tell people I “run” because if they saw me they would laugh their heads off! I agree, my “friend” must have been jealous, and I did outgrow her!
@diana – I did ask her about her behavior, in a nice way of course – and she said there was nothing wrong and our relationship was still the same it had always been. But I knew better, and eventually came to have peace with the whole situation. Thanks for asking and commenting!
Wow. That is amazing. I just can’t imagine someone being that mean and not realizing it. It “funny” how you find out who your true friends are when you go through things like that.
I know – I always thought we would have been lifetime friends, but that wasn’t meant to be. I had lots of other people who were very helpful and encouraging so that made up for her “issues”! I hope you only have supportive friends!
I’m blessed that my best friends who I’ve told about my weight loss attempts are very supportive and encouraging. I’m sorry you had to go through that.
I am going to tuck these thoughts away for the future though, because I know that (from past experience) some people just don’t think before they talk and say things that are less-than-encouraging.
Hi–My daughter has a roommate that is obese. My daughter is average in weight and enjoys socializing with this friend but she has one problem: whenever she, her roommate and other friends go out, my daughter feels responsible for finding places that will accommodate her overweight roomy. She is always thinking and planning where her friend will sit–will the restaurant have chairs to fit her, does the movie theater have seats to fit her, will she feel comfortable with this or that?
I think it’s unfair that she feels the burden of this, although it shows how compassionate and thoughtful she is. I feel it’s not her responsibility to think of all these things.
What do you suggest she do? I’m sure the answer would be to confront her friend and ask her for suggestions but my daughter isn’t confrontational and I couldn’t do that either.
Thanks,
Karen
Karen,
Thanks for your question. I answered you more completely through email, but for other people who read this and might be helped by it, my general suggestion is this. I think that your daughter must be a lovely person to feel compassion for, and be sensitive to, her roommates needs. If she doesn’t want to say anything to her roommate, I think she just has to let her roommate decide what she does and doesn’t feel comfortable doing. When I was obese, I knew what things were too hard for me, and would make an excuse not to participate. I’d bet your daughter’s roommate would do the same thing. I don’t think confrontation is the right tool in any case, because what purpose would it serve? Better for your daughter to be compassionate, but also feel free to do what she wants to do, and let her roommate make her own decisions. Maybe someone else has some other ideas? Diane