I’m by nature a pretty honest, giving person. If you need something done, I’m happy to help if I can. I go out of my way to say, and do nice things for people whenever possible. In most areas of my life this is true – except for food.
As an obese wife and mother, I was guardian and keeper of all food in the house. I did the shopping, prepared the meals, selected the restaurants, and made the decisions. That’s pretty typical for a stay-at-home mom probably. What wasn’t so typical was my protective attitude towards the food in the pantry.
When I went grocery shopping I’d buy the ingredients for meals, yes – but I’d also buy special foods just for me. Unfortunately they weren’t fruits and vegetables, but rather candy, cookies, ice cream, and chips. Sometimes my oldest daughter, who was about 5 at the time would ask me, “Mommy, do we get any of those M&M’s?” What she was really asking me, was whether or not I was going to eat the entire pound bag by myself or not.
Sad to say, when I got home from grocery shopping I’d secret away my “special food.” Throughout the following days you’d find me standing in the pantry, reaching my hand way up high trying to feel around for my own personal treat. If someone walked into the kitchen I’d quickly withdraw my hand and look innocently around, as if to say, “What? I’m not doing anything wrong!”
Occasionally John would find my stash and would ask where it came from. I’d casually say, “Oh, I bought that weeks ago.” He’d just nod, knowing full well that wasn’t the truth, but not wanting to confront me. Sometimes I’d immediately feel guilty and confess, but more often than not I’d just allow the lie to sit there. The whole time we’d be discussing it all I could think was, “I hope he doesn’t eat any.”
Even at dinner time, I would carefully watch what everyone was eating, secretly hoping there would be enough left for me to have 3rds and 4ths. I hid my disappointment if there wasn’t any of my favorites left, quickly planning for what other treat I could have. I never told any of the family members not to have seconds of the dumplings, but I probably unconsciouslly communicated my desires.
When I finally got to the point where I was disgusted with myself both physically and emotionally, I made a 180 degree turnaround. Instead of secreting away food, all food was available to everyone. Of course I stopped buying junky food, and filled the pantry with healthy treats, but when the occasion arose to buy candy, I made sure to place it on the pantry shelf where everyone could see it.
At dinner, I no longer worried that there wouldn’t be enough for me to have my extra share. I took what I knew to be an appropriate serving, and enjoyed watching my family eat a healthy meal.
I know that I’m not completely alone in my old feelings concerning food, as dozens of women in my weight loss classes have shared similiar stories with me. Over and over again I’d encourage them that this was a habit that was fairly easy to break.
I changed my habit and desires by coming to the realization that food was a wonderful, joyous part of my life, but not the focus of my life. As I changed my attitude toward food, I saw my body change as well. This time for the positive. If there is a part of you that hides food, either openly or in secret, don’t worry – this is a habit that can be changed, and turned around for the better. Diane
I had exactly the same pattern of behavior before. I was like a lioness protecting her kill! And I hid food all over the place.
I’ve often wondered where this tendency came from… Was it because I was the eldest and resented having to share (treats, love, attention, toys) with my little sister when she came along?
The why doesn’t matter as much to me now. I have changed this behavior. There is no scarcity in my life anymore. I have enough of everything to share.
Great post!
Hanlie´s last blog ..My Priorities
it is amazing what a TREMENDOUS step this really is:
I made sure to place it on the pantry shelf where everyone could see it.
but it so so is.
MizFit´s last blog ..How to START working out: 5 steps to success.
@Hanlie – I like the lioness analogy. Very appropriate, and very true for me as well. You are right – it’s not about the why’s sometimes – sometimes it is about the movement away from the behavior.
@MizFit – Thanks. I still remember looking at the cookie bag on the shelf thinking, “I want those – all of them.”
Diane, I used to have a secret stash in the kitchen, too. It feels good that I don’t need that anymore. I’m still working on myself and my habits, but I sincerely hope that is one that doesn’t ever return. It’s such a shameful feeling.
Amy H.´s last blog ..Carbs
Amy – I’m glad you don’t need it anymore either. It won’t return, as long as you don’t ever forget it. Thanks for the genuine comment.
I was like this in a lot of ways. I actually one time years ago gorged on Cinnamon Toast Crunch cereal one day (huge trigger food for me) and then went out and bought another box. I had to eat more out of that box to the level the *old* box was at so my hubby wouldn’t know I had eaten so much cereal. Not my finest moment.
Learning to love food again in the way it should be has been a very important step.
Lori´s last blog ..NROLW and more Beck on getting back on track.
Lori – I loved Cinnamon Toast Crunch. I used to have to “level” things out all the time! You have done an amazing job – I love reading what you are doing.
I did this too. I was so worried that I wouldn’t get the amount that I wanted I would watch every bite my boyfriend put in his mouth.
I’ve worked hard to get a better attitude towards food these days.
I always thought I was the only one. . . but apparently not. It’s good to know that this can be overcome. I’m still working through it!
Monica – I wonder if he ever noticed that you were watching him, or it went right over his head? Good for you on taking steps in the right direction.
Keri – You are definitely not the only one! Definitely not!
Wow. Congratulations on readjusting your mindset about food and really committing to changing your habits! It can be so difficult to really own up to your secret behavior-the hidden candy, late night snacks and extra portions. Your post is powerful because of your honesty, and your new attitude is really inspirational. I definitely agree that old unhealthy habits don’t have to stay with you forever; making small changes can be a great way to sustain a high level of healthy living. Healthy Monday is an initiative that promotes this idea by urging people to see Monday as an opportunity to recommit to living healthier. You may want to check out the website http://www.healthymonday.org for some tips, recipes and even more motivation. Looking forward to your posts!
Liana – I will check out your site! Thank you for your nice compliment. It took me a long time to be able to admit my weaknesses when it came to food.
Guilty as charged… when I’m eating popcorn, I like to keep it just for ME. Most foods I love to share. But that’s one food item that I really dislike sharing. Interestingly enough, it’s also the one food item that I overindulge in almost every single time!
So now I try to eat it with other people and separate it into two bowls right from the start, so that I have my own and the person I’m eating it with has their own. Then I don’t feel deprived AND I don’t overeat. Win win.
Sagan – I got the best popcorn today. It’s Frito-Lay’s SmartFood Peanut Butter Apple. It was delicious and low in fat.
You have a good strategy of sharing the “danger” food with other people – I do that as well. Definitely a win-win!
I think all fatties have hidden food at one time or another…I know I have. However, very few fatties would admit to it. I’m incredibly impressed with your honesty Diane. This post stung a bit because it exposes nasty, shameful little secrets. But it’s important to put it out there….so thank you for doing that. And thank you for inspiring me to do what you have done in losing the weight, winning the battle, and re-taking my life. You are an amazing woman and one I’m proud to know.
Tammy´s last blog ..Have You Heard About Sean???
Tammy – I am honest because I really want to help people have the same success I have. I didn’t mean it to sting – just to encourage. I’m proud to know you too – I’m not sure I would have done a weight-loss blog like you are doing. The accountability is huge.
Of course when I lost weight it was in the dark ages before blogging!
You know what is the most impressive to me? Is how you clearly had such an intense and emotional relationship to food, which has its claws in so many of us and how you managed to turn that around. I think that is the key, the pivotal turning point. Because really it’s not just about “eat less, move more” – it’s about changing the emotional and psychological mindset that drives the secretive, shameful behavior. I would love it if you could write more about your emotional journey and what it was like to change those aspects of your relationship to food.
I am sooooooooo impressed! And THANK YOU for the honesty of this post.
Foodie McBody´s last blog ..piiiizzzzzzzzzaaaaa
Foodie – I changed my post tomorrow just because of your comment. Thanks for pointing me in this direction, because the emotional aspects of weight loss are sometimes like a minefield. Thank you for commenting!
That was very honest of you to write this post and I think it’s great that you were able to turn your life around!
Gina´s last blog ..Sautéed Zucchini with Plum Tomatoes
Gina – Thanks so much. I truly enjoyed reading through your blog. You have amazing talent with food!
I can relate to this post so much. I have lived by myself most of my adult life, so there isn’t much sneaking or hiding in my house, but I do find myself eating really well when I go out with friends only to go home and binge on my “secret” foods. I also remember as a child sneaking chocolate chips and marshmallows and hiding in the bathroom to eat them. The thing is–I was never heavy as a child, but thinking back on these behaviors, I was setting myself up for weight gain many years before the weight gain took place without even knowing it.
Thanks for stopping by my blog. I’m new to yours and love what I’ve seen so far. I hope to have time to read more this weekend.
Teresa´s last blog ..Trying out a new look
Teresa – I did the same thing with friends. They never saw me overeat – ever! Teresa, I did the same thing as a child as you shared, only for me it was cookies and popscicles!
Thank you for coming by.
Fantastic post here. I could really relate to the “taking the focus off the food.” I would imagine that many of our mental changes are nearly identical— It’s such a wonderful feeling to really be in control, I mean really!
My best always,
Sean
Sean Anderson´s last blog ..Day 325 201 Pounds Gone Forever and The Long Answer To: How?
Sean – Congratulations again on 201 pounds! Amazing, and I love the pictures. My best to you as well.
I’m with Foodie McBody in that I’m intensely curious as to how you flipped the switch and willed yourself to change your emotional orientation toward food. I find this so painful to cope with, and have never succeeded in the long term at doing this.
Fitzi´s last blog ..Doing Something About It
Fitzi – Just like I told Foodie, I changed my post tomorrow so maybe I could share some more about it. Thank you for your honesty.
Still working on this one, Diane. My mom recently moved in with us and brought her carbs with her. Ugh! I wasn’t having a problem ignoring them before, but now? It’s that classic “angel on the right shoulder; devil on the left.” — I don’t need that. I don’t want that. I’ve tasted that a thousand times before; why would this time be any different?
It’s like I plugged into my childhood habits the minute my “mommy” came to stay.
Well, my initial plan of attack has been for my hubby to hide his carbs (either in the garage refrigerator or elsewhere), as I’ve told him I “won’t go looking for it if I don’t see it in my face.”
This has had limited success, of course, because I’m still characterizing food as a taboo and assigning emotion to it. I think it’s time to implement your technique. Put the food front and center, treat it like it’s anything else in the cupboard, and quit letting it whisper sweet nothings into my brain! Thanks for this thought-provoking post (as usual!)
You rock!
Cari (aka Gastric Bypass Barbie)´s last blog ..A Reason to Quit
Cari – It can be a definite process, and it doesn’t happen overnight. You have a lot of wisdom in dealing with food. Sometimes it is good to take out your feelings about a food, dust it off, and try something new! Thank you for your sincere comment.
Diane, thanks for putting into words the things that so many of us struggle(d) with! I always had a stash – in my office, my car, my kitchen. I used to bring home a pint of Ben & Jerry’s and hide it behind stuff in the freezer – not so others wouldn’t eat it, but so my (then) boyfriend wouldn’t see it. Now that I’m on the “healthy living” warpath, I am transparent about what I eat. Skinny Cow ice cream sandwiches in the freezer for all to see (and eat if they wish). What great progress to feel and make.
SeattleRunnerGirl´s last blog ..A New Challenge
SeattleRunnerGirl – My stashes were everywhere too. Excellent on the Skinny Cowl ice cream right up front! You are a better woman than I though, because I may be tempted to put a “This is For Me” sign on those!
Keep running on that warpath!
As a teen I used to buy food and hide it in my room. I learned this growing up: my mom’s hid food in the kitchen ( in the cabinets above the built in microwave behind rarely used cooking dishes, where it was out of the reach of us kids and clearly wasn’t supposed to be found.)
One of the interesting things about this whole situation is how we’re all less sneaky than we think we are. No matter how much we try to hide it, everyone knows the truth.
Hadley´s last blog ..To train or not to train
Hadley – Very wise words. Everyone knows the truth.
It is amazing how we all have had such common experiences BUT with overweight people, I guess that would happen..
Since I was heavy young & got a lot of my fattening stuff in the home, I did get more by sneaking when I was out & about with friends OR at their house. I think we all have tried to hide this & say we just don’t understand why we are so heavy OR why we are not losing the weight when in fact, we know we are eating too much & the wrong stuff!
I love your last statement… this is a habit that can be changed…. always easier said than done but it can be done!
Living alone for so long, I never felt as though I had to hide food (I just bought the wrong kinds and left them where they landed *G*), so posts like this help me understand where so many of my blogging friends have been. Thank you.
Cammy@TippyToeDiet´s last blog ..1800 Miles Later
@Jody – People who have struggled with their weight do find common ground. And there are so many people who are currently struggling, that I think the blogging world can really be a nice support network don’t you? I know I tried to blame my weight on everything but myself!
@Cammy – You are welcome. I hope that I do help people understand what it feels like to be out of control at times. I appreciate you coming by.
A very honest and sincere post. More than eating larger quantities than necessary, my problem was eating junk all day, then telling my kids to wait for dinner. I would feel so guilty that I would eat a junk snack when they weren’t looking, but make them wait. I knew that I needed to follow my own advice, but I didn’t for the longest time.
Side note: I must say I’m more protective now of my Skinny Cow ice cream bars than I ever was of candy!!
LOL
Leah´s last blog ..Reduced-Fat Thoughts
Leah – Oh, I’ve done that many, many times. “No, you can’t have a cookie,” while I had one behind my back! I’m with you on the Skinny Cow bars – they are great!
WOW I wish I did not relate so much to your post. Holy crap I am a food horder! My kids have even made comments about me hiding the chocolate, but not anymore at least on the chocolate.
Great post I will certainly be more aware from now.
Shannon Fab Fattie´s last blog ..May I please pat myself on the back?
@Shannon – A food horder! That’s a loaded statement if I’ve ever heard one! And I have to say, your post today was inspiring, and everyone should read it!
Interesting! I can’t really relate, being a guy who has struggled all my life to keep the weight ON, but that doesn’t make it any less compelling a post.
The thing you say about unconsciously communicating your desires for others not to eat seconds so you could eat thirds is definitely something I’ve sensed from others at the table before, so you’re probably right on that one.
Anyway this is a nice change of pace from a lot of the blogs I read, so I’ll be back!
Matt (No Meat Athlete)´s last blog ..As Close to Perfect as Workouts Get
Matt – We won’t kick you off because you’ve never had an excess weight problem. I liked your second paragraph. I probably did communicate my desire at the table, and perceptive family members most likely noticed. Thanks for coming by!
It’s interesting how food can completely take over our life and it’s the only thing we think about. I remember my dad asking one time where all the chips went. Of course, I ate them all and I felt horrible and embarrassed.
And, like you, I feel so much more freedom having food as a joyous part of my life not the focus
Robin´s last blog ..Do You Want to Live to 100?
Robin – You’re right, it is interesting. I’ve had the same chip experience as you. It was embarrassing for me too. Food is joyous for me too. It’s a nice change from all the years that it wasn’t.
I never hid the food, but I would hide the eating of the food. I really love that last paragraph.
Patty´s last blog ..Reporting in Sir!
Patty – Thanks for the compliment, and that’s interesting to me about hiding the eating of the food. I did that too. In fact, I think I had every bad food habit there is to be had. Thanks for the comment Patty.
Reading this and then the comments… its amazing how so many of us have done the same things!
Mary : A Merry Life´s last blog ..Adventures in Cake Making
Mary – For me, as I was teaching my classes, I was always surprised that my secrets weren’t my own, but were shared by a good number of the women in my class.
ah, I didn’t hide food, I hid the bank statement. I ate all of my food out of the house. I would eat dinner just like everyone else, then go down to whatever my food of the month choice was and eat some more. Everyone always wondered why I was so fat, and wondered why we never had any more money to do things with. Sad. It’s like a drug. I don’t do that anymore.
Christina M. Oursler´s last blog ..Last month of missouri 60…
The bank statement! LOL! I did the same thing, ate when no one was looking. I’m glad you too broke that habit. Loved your blog!
Diane, great post, can totally relate like everyone else. Funny thing is now other foods are “off limits” to my family–don’t touch my Fage, Knudsen 2% cottage cheese, protein shakes, or my salads!!
I’m happy to provide my family with lots of fresh healthy food, but I get very picky now if they eat my stuff–a long way away from hiding my cookies and chocolate so no one else would find it!
Sandrelle´s last blog ..
BTW I love your blog!
Thanks for the compliment. I had to laugh at the way you described the fact that now it’s the healthy food your family can’t touch!
Much better than the other way around!
I did the same thing “before” and I do it now with the food I rely on – my yogurt (Fage), cereal, some fruit, etc. I do have similar types of food on hand for my family, but there is a drawer in the fridge that is off limits to everyone but me.
Shelley B´s last blog ..Spring Rolls! (And Pork Chop Recipe)
I like the drawer in the fridge just for you. I’ll have to keep that one in mind. Thanks for the comment, and I really do want to try a spring roll!
Hmmm, my mom did this. We (or at least, I) was not supposed to find the stash of chips, cookies, etc. I did, of course, and ate and ate. Everything I ever ate once I got chubby was commented on, criticized. I used to get up after everyone went to bed, eat french fries, fried chicken, all sorts of crap. It’s a wonder I’ve managed to have a somewhat healthy relationship with food at all, at this point. According to what I understand now, she did everything wrong. I’m glad you got your food issues worked out before your kids got old enough to understand.
julie´s last blog ..Am I done yet?
Julie – I’m glad too, that my kids won’t have memories of me hoarding food, hiding food, and overeating all the time!
Growing up, my Mom was slim, and didn’t have issues with food. I got those all on my own!
Thanks for the great comment.
Nah, I’d just eat it on the way home and save the hiding of it! I’ve never been a secret eater…just an eater!
Debby´s last blog ..Dieting, Death, and Bits of This and That