No matter what size you are, there are always shopping experiences that you wish you could erase from your mind. Male or female, fat or thin, sometimes it all goes wrong.
One of the many bad experiences that stands out in my mind was a shopping experience John and I had a few months after the birth of our first daughter. Unfortunately for me, I gained 74 pounds during my pregnancy with her, which began my odyssey from overweight into obesity. But, I digress.
After her birth I had no clothes that fit me except maternity clothes. I wore those clothes home from the hospital, for the next two weeks, two months and then I realized that I wasn’t getting any smaller. The weight wasn’t just falling off me like I had seen my friend’s weight do after they had children. Instead, I had already started gaining weight again.
This posed a wardrobe problem. I was a size 14/16 before her birth, and there was no way any of those clothes were going to fit. So, John and I went shopping for a few things to “tide me over” until the weight started falling off.
We got to the department store, and John started picking out some pants, shirts and jumpers in the regular sized department. Never having been a “plus size” before, I didn’t really understand that I was very soon going to encounter a problem. I went into the dressing room, and put on the first pair of size 16 pants. No go. Hmmm. I tried on the size 16 jumper and it got stuck up around my armpits. I wiggled around trying to get that thing off. The shirt was the next futile attempt – wouldn’t fit over my shoulders.
I was stuck in the dressing room. I didn’t know what to do. How could I go out and tell John that none of those big girl clothes fit me? I could hear our daughter starting to make little baby noises and knew I had to do something. So, I put back on my maternity pants and shirt, and walked out of the dressing room.
He smiled and said, “Did you like them?” I looked at him and softly said, “None of them fit. They were too tight.” Good husband that he was, he just cheerfully said, “Well, maybe we should try some of those clothes over there.” He pointed, and I realized he was pointing at the PLUS-SIZED section. If I used bad language, I would have used it then. But instead, I just said, “Okay.”
So together we selected some of the less ugly outfits and back I went into the dressing room to try those clothes on. Through some trial and error I found that I was a size 22/24 and even those were a bit tight. But, I reasoned I was going to lose that baby weight soon, and then those ugly pants, long knit shirts and horrible jumpers could be donated to good will. We left the store with the beginnings of a plus-sized wardrobe. I also left the store with a feeling I had never experienced before when it came to my appearance. Utter despair.
I loved my first baby, loved my husband, but hated myself. I experienced a self-loathing that was so intense I still can feel it. I couldn’t believe that I had allowed myself to get so big that I had to buy plus-sized clothes, and I couldn’t understand why I wasn’t losing weight like all my friends had. I also didn’t admit to myself that my eating was out of control, I hadn’t moved my body in years, and that self-sabotage was part of my internal vocabulary.
So many times I wish that had been the tipping point for me. That I would have gotten serious about my weight problem and fixed it. But instead I kept gaining weight and gaining weight. For the next 7 years I struggled with weight gain, until I was morbidly obese. The dressing room is not fun, and for me the mirrors revealed a part of myself that I wasn’t ready to face. I wonder what you feel when you look in the dressing room mirror. I hope the feelings are more positive than mine were. . . Diane
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what a fabulous and honest post. You have come so far and you truly look incredible! You are an inspiration
Erica´s last blog ..Ellie Krieger’s Popcorn Shrimp & Sweet Potato and Rutabaga "Chips"
I tend to take the easy way out and not buy clothing in actual stores for myself. I buy them online & try them on once they arrive — often without a full-length mirror around. I figure if they really look bad Tom will tell me & I’ll send whatever it is back or return it locally for credit.
@ Erica – Thank you so much for your kind words. I’m still thinking about those sweet potato chips!
@ Karen – I think that’s a great way to shop actually – no matter what your size! I wish there had been that option when I was struggling, because I may have felt better about my appearance.
I can so totally relate to this. Shopping has been fun before, and not so fun. Right now I’m in the not so fun stage, but I’m working on it – right?
I know I’ve said this before, but I really do think you have lived my life. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve thought the same things!! AND, had the same experiences!
@ Monica – Shopping is one of those things that drives me crazy. Yes, you are working on it, and you will achieve your goals!
@ Keri – You are too funny! I hope that you have a great week!
I wish I could say that I liked clothes shopping, but I’ve always dreaded it, even when I was thin. I guess I didn’t appreciate my size back then. I feel like if I could just get back down to a good size, I might enjoy buying clothes for a new me. Love the way you write!
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Diane, thank you so much for this “raw” post! I was never as overweight as you were but it is funny how we think we were that heavy. That mirror just looks back at us & tells us what is in our head, whatever self negative talk we have going on.. it doe not always whisper the truth, does it? It tells us what our mind tells us. Thus, there goes the so important point of changing our mind set too as we lose weight.
I see alot better things than I used to BUT I am still too self critical when I try on clothes & look in that mirror. But, I am better. Some days it is the fat kid, others Fit at 51. A work in progress!
@ Amy – Thanks so much. I never appreciated my size when I was a healthy weight either. Funny how that is.
@ Jody – The mirror isn’t always accurate, and you are right, neither are our thoughts. When I look at you I just see Fit!!
My first thought is of a shopping experience where I held up a pair of jeans and thought, “Oh, these will definitely fit.” and they were too small. They looked HUGE when I held them up and I was so sad at how big I had grown. This actually happened to me a couple of different times, and I do wish I would’ve dealt with my weight the first time it so I wouldn’t be worrying about it now.
When I began my weight loss journey back in May my goal was, and still is, to be able to buy a nice dress for my husband’s graduation from dental school in May 2011 and it NOT be in the plus size department.
Here’s to using our bad shopping experiences as motivation to move forward and then more pleasant shopping experiences in the future!
Leah´s last blog ..My first Clothing Victory
What a beautiful post. Even with only 10 pounds to lose I can definitely relate to that feeling and the reasoning that goes along with buying a bigger size.
healthy ashley´s last blog ..Cereal Rules (my life)
@ Leah – You just spoke the truth for so many women out there. It’s happened to many, many of us. I just have a good feeling that you will not be in the Plus Sized department for the graduation dress. I’d be surprised if you are in that department much longer!
@ healthy ashley – Thank you so much. Ten pounds is as important to you as 100 is to someone else. I learned that as I was on my journey, and it was reinforced when I began teaching my class. Thanks for sharing.
I loved this post – so honest! I know exactly why I gained my weight – after being in sports all year long (field hockey in fall, indoor track in winter, outdoor track in spring and softball in summer) I could eat whatever I wanted.
Then after college, a desk job and no exercise – um, guess what? You can’t eat everything you used to!
But my sister and I always joked that we had the opposite of anorexia – we looked in the mirror and still thought we looked good!
It wasn’t until my daughter was around 7 that I got in my car and my stomach was touching the steering wheel. No one drove my car but me! That’s when we joined WW. I started at 210 pounds (I am only 5 feet 2 inches!) and it took me a year but I got down to 135 and maintained that for years.
Then came my friend insulin and I could eat whatever I wanted – I am still trying to lose the 35 pounds I’ve gained in 3 years.
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Ah yes, the dressing room can be a horrible place. Even if you aren’t overweight is can be terrible though. Clothes are all made for one type of body and not everyone fits. Being short and obese (me) is totally a tragedy when shopping for clothes.
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Biz – Wow, you have really been on a journey haven’t you? Congratulations on your weight loss, and on what you are accomplishing now. I really enjoy your blog, and I’m seriously going to try that breakfast pizza!
@Mary – A tragedy when shopping for clothes – I don’t think I’ll ever be able to try anything on again without remembering that phrase!
Ohhhh, I think I’ll spare you and your readers the cuss words that come to mind when I step into a dressing room and look in that mirror.
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Maybe that is why I am obsess with shoes. That is the only part of me that does not change no matter how heavy or thin I get.
-asithi
@ Tammy – Well, thanks for sparing us! But honestly, you are doing so well, that pretty soon you will be rejoicing! Right?!!
@ Small Steps – Some people say food is the friend that doesn’t leave – but it’s really shoes. They always fit!!
This post brought tears to my eyes because I could imagine exactly how you were feeling. I have had so many horrible shopping experiences. It is only recently that I have begun to enjoy shopping, but even now I go into a dressing room with a sense of dread, just expecting nothing to fit. I think it will take a while to get over that.
erin´s last blog ..Breaking Up Is Hard to Do
I’m an expert at looking in the mirror and avoid looking at my belly. It’s the only part of my body I really hate. Sure my upper arms aren’t very muscular neither are my upper legs but my belly is my pain in the ash so to say.
About my running: if you’re a jogger, than I am too! I’m a slow runner but I don’t care. I run for myself and not to keep up with somebody else. I do my “races” with my best friend, she’s 15 years younger and in perfect condition. She does a 5K run in 25 minutes and I do it in 37 minutes but we’re proud of each other because of what we accomplish!
Fran´s last blog ..A day in my life: Monday August 10th 2009
@ Erin – Thank you so much for your honesty. I know how you felt, and am so glad for you that you are on a good path now. Thanks so much!
@ Fran – You just made my night! I am always reluctant to say I run because I’m so slow. Now I can say it with pride – it’s not about time, it’s about commitment!! Thanks so much.
I have had unpleasant dressing room moments… And you are so right, there was a time when “the mirrors revealed a part of myself that I wasn’t ready to face.” Thank you for a great post!
Andrea@WellnessNotes´s last blog ..Simple Mushroom Salad
This is a great post that I can completely relate to. I’ve had to shop in the plus size section since I can remember. I could never have the cute clothes that all of my friends had in High school because I had to shop in the same section many of their mothers shopped in. This is another great reminder for me of why I want to lose weight! Thanks for sharing!
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@ Andrea – Thank you for your comment. I still don’t like the mirror. I probably never will!
@ Alissa – I appreciate your comment. It is so hard to have to buy clothes that are different than friends, especially in high school. Keep up your excellent work!
Oh Diane, how I can relate to this. Three years ago I was busting out of the plus sizes. The shopping trips were so painful. It is a very slow process for me, but now I am almost 50 pounds lighter and a few sizes smaller and most importantly much of the self hatred is gone. It is a process and I am only about a third of the way to my goal (weight wise). I am thankful that there are people like you who have been there and are successful at maintaining the loss. This is so helpful to me to stay on this path of lightening up.
I hate shopping for clothes! It has to be one the most horrible experiences ever.
Connie @ Fat2HotMommy´s last blog ..Eminem made me do it.
@ Kat – You are doing great, not only with the weight loss but with your good attitude towards yourself. I’m glad to help – it’s people like you that make the time worthwhile!
@ Connie – It sure can be! Thanks for coming by.
I break out into a sweat every time I go into a dressing room. Not from one episode, but from alot of episodes. I can’t even remember when I went to plus sizes,I was so much in denial.
I was reading your post from yesterday. I ate alot out of boredom myself. Still do…that is something I have to watch out for.
Thanks for you comments today. I must being something right with the tootsie rolls, if you ate them while you were loosing 150 lbs. That made me feel better about eating them….lol.
Dana´s last blog ..Do Your Best
The slow and eventual realization that I couldn’t wear things from normal size stores anymore was absolutely horrifying for me.
Thank god we have the internet these days. Online shopping for the win!
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@ Dana – You are on the right track with the tootsie rolls for sure!! Thank you for the nice comment on yesterday’s post, as well as today’s. Boredom got me in trouble all the time!
@ Hadley – Internet shopping is a godsend for all of us. I would have loved it if it were more readily available when I lost my weight.
Great story! I have a friend who never tries on stuff at the store. She always brings it home, then returns what she doesn’t want
Thank you for commenting on my column!
Dr. J´s last blog ..Another study shows obesity’s rise, plus healthy lifestyle changes that make a difference
This post is so incredibly sincere and honest…like you said, so many people experience this or something like this, no matter what size they are. You make us feel like we’re really not alone.
And let me just add that the lights in dressing rooms are usually very harsh and unflattering!
Faith´s last blog ..Hunger is Closer to Home Than You Think
@ Dr J – Thank you so much for coming by. I think your friend is very wise!
@ Faith – I can’t believe I forgot to mention the lighting. Whoever put those kind of lights in there was crazy!
Reading that, I felt like I was there and wanted to go find clothes for you! It seems to me that you have truly made the mental transition that goes with losing weight, and so many that have lost weight are still struggling with that.
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@ Patty – You are so nice to say that. I wish I hadn’t had to be there at all! The mental transition did take some time, but the result was definitely worth it. Thanks for coming by!
I really liked the part where your husband “cheerfully” pointed over to the plus-sized clothes
That was cute. It sounds like he was very supportive.
And you’re a great writer, by the way!
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Dressing rooms can definitely be a nightmare. (As many of us have discussed in the past, swimming suits are the WORST!) With regular clothes, I’m pretty happy with my size now so it’s become a more pleasant experience. Now I get to do the happy feet dance while in there!
MamaBearJune´s last blog ..HYC check in
I have always been “bigger” than others (although not overweight), so I’ve always struggled to find clothing. Even at my biggest weight, I struggled to find clothes – the plus sized articles just fit “wrong”. So my mom has been making most of my clothes for decades and I’ve been spared the frequent trips to the dressing room. Thank goodness!
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Wow. Just wow.
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