There was a time, way back in the dark ages, where cameras didn’t provide instant results, but rather you had to take your film to the store, go back home, drive back to the store to pick up your pictures, and then gasp in horror at what the camera revealed. I remember sitting in the parking lot of the camera shop, opening the package of pictures and sliding them out of their envelope. I’d grab the glossy stack, and start shuffling through them like a deck of cards. Children playing, cute. Birthday parties, so much fun. What is that fat blob in the edge of that picture? ME! I’d stop at the picture that had me in it and stare in disbelief. Who was that woman?
I knew I was wearing a size 26/28, but sometimes I couldn’t really see what that looked like. I knew the last time I got on the scale it was almost to its 300 pound capacity. But I didn’t know what I really looked like to other people.
“This is why I don’t get my picture taken,” I’d scream at myself. “The camera just isn’t kind to me.” I’d quickly shuffle through the rest of the pictures, not really enjoying them, because all I could think about was the one picture I was in. “Why did John take my picture?” I’d fume internally. “He knows I hate getting my picture taken.” (It’s so funny to me now that I would get mad at John for taking my picture.)
Before I got home, I’d remove the offending picture(s) and throw them in the trash. If they were of something important like my birthday or Mother’s Day, I’d keep the “best” ones, but the other ones, I ditched. That’s why if you look at the before pictures on the blog, they aren’t very good pictures. No posed portrait shots, no “you look great today” let me take your picture shots. Just random pictures that I allowed someone to snap of me when my defenses were down.
Time after time I’d see pictures of myself, and stare in disbelief. Every single picture surprised me. This probably says something about my lack of self-perception, but it is how I felt. Surprised. There were certain pictures that were worse than others, like this one:
When I saw this picture of myself, I never wore shorts again. It’s interesting that I never ate chocolate again, but rather blamed the bad picture on the outfit, rather than the woman in it!
I’ve read weight loss stories of people who began losing weight after seeing an unflattering picture of themselves. For them, that was the defining moment. I wish it had been for me, because I would have not ended up morbidly obese for so many years. Rather than the bad picture spurring me to action, the pantry was my solace.
I wish I had been more confident in myself, and been able to appreciate all the good things I had to offer my family without so often wrapping it up in my appearance. But I wasn’t there yet. I still tied my self-worth up with my appearance, and that wasn’t good for me in the long run.
The woman in my pictures wasn’t the woman I wanted to be – either appearance wise, or confidence wise. How I long to have those obese years back, and really take the time to appreciate every single good moment I had with my family, instead of experiencing so much self-loathing and unhappiness. What does your camera reveal about you? Can you go beyond the appearance and appreciate all the good things you have to offer the world? Can pictures of yourself start spurring you into action, getting healthier and more fit, and more able to make a positive impact on your world? What do you think?
Two more things – Please make sure you read MizFit’s comment down below, something to think about. . . Also, I still don’t like getting my picture made, but I do let my family take them! Diane
So funny how we all so different – I only wanted my head and shoulders taken for pictures, or else I’d stand behind someone hiding myself…I knew all the tricks in the trade when it came to photo’s and not showing the true me..
Now that I’ve lost the weight I want my whole photo taken…from head to toe…I now like what I see in the photo…
I’m going home to South Africa for a holiday a week today and going to ask my sister who is a photographer to take a whole series of photo’s of me, I want to celebrate this time of my life where I have my weight under control.
Marcelle´s last blog ..What a wonderful week
I was the same. I hated every picture take of me. As I’ve grown these last few months I’ve come to realize that I was going to have to change that. I now take progress pictures every month. Yes, I make sure that they’re as flattering as possible, and I don’t publish the full body ones, but I’m getting over being so camera shy.
Hanlie´s last blog ..Book Review: The pH Miracle
man this is something people say so frequently and I think it was dara chadwick who lament, in her book, not having enough photos of her mother (now deceased) for that reason.
reading that was reason enough for me to not fret and wave off the camera (hello big nose!) when people get one out.
I recall dara saying shed give ANYTHING for more photos and now it’s too late…
MizFit´s last blog ..Viewer Mail: Blogger Friends & Freeweight Workouts.
@Marcelle – You have the most beautiful pictures of you, and your family on your blog. I think the celebration photos of you are a great idea!
@Hanlie – That’s wonderful that you are taking monthly progress pictures. Great idea!
@MizFit – As you know, I loved this comment, and hope everyone who looked at my post today made sure to read it as well.
Hated my befores the before and even the ones now not there yet!! the only way I feel good about taking them is they will be good to look back on so I can remember how far I have come…
great post!!
Irene
@Irene – I do believe it is important to have pictures along our whole life’s journey. Even if we don’t like ourselves in them, our family will appreciate the memories they hold.
I don’t like getting my photo taken because I carry weight in my face. But, I let my husband take the pics because he wants them, and Miz’s comment is right on. Let your kids have the memories – they love us no matter what.
Amy H.´s last blog ..School Starts Today
Thanks for your kind words on my blog. You have a wonderfully inspiring story — thanks for sharing it with those of us that need a role model.
We’re just getting ready to go on vacation — this time around, no shying away from the camera for me! I, too, wish I could have those years back. But I can be *present* from here on out!
Karena´s last blog ..wednesday weigh in
@Amy – Your pictures on your blog are great. The funny thing about my kids now is that my little ones don’t know who the fat lady in the older pictures is anymore.
@Karena – You are welcome. I hope you have a wonderful vacation, and come home with lots of pictures.
This is a great post Diane… and for me, hauntingly true! My blog doesn’t have any before pictures. Part of the reason for this is because when I started the blog I still LOOKED like the before pictures, and I didn’t want anyone to see them (even though all they had to do was look at ME to see what I looked like). Now that I don’t actually look like the before pictures anymore, I’m thinking about putting them up. It will be a lot easier to let people look at them, when I can say “here’s what I USED to look like”….
Janet´s last blog ..Day 93 – This Time Last Year
Diane, you are right, MizFit’s comment is right on. We were burglarized about 3 years ago & most of our videos of the kids when they were little & get togethers with my parents, now deceased went with that violation of my life..along with many other very personal items… SO, yes, Miz is right!
Saying that, I HATE getting my pic taken. This stems from pictures when I was young & heavier & I juts never learned to feel comfortable in front of a camera so all my pics come out oh so unnatural. Even to this day, I hate my pic taken.
Like you, I try to do some for the family & all but I still don’t feel comfortable…. so sad! Somehow I always find something I don’t like… every once in a while I like it though.. better than never!
Jody – Fit at 51´s last blog ..Exercises You Can Do Anywhere – Ongoing Series
I was mulling over starting my health journey for awhile, but pictures put it into action. I got a new puppy, and my husband took tons of pictures. When I’m on the ground, I look like a roly-poly ball.Standing, I looked like a blown-up Cousin It. I felt miserable, but I didn’t see all that fat until I saw the photos.
My son and I have gone on many trips together the past few years. I gave up hiding from the camera, and we have many shots together that strangers would take for us. I didn’t like them, but I knew he’d like the memories. I still don’t like my photo being taken, though.
Your post are so thought provoking. I really enjoy your blog.
Jo´s last blog ..I Won a Giveaway!!!
@Janet – I often wonder if I had blogged (had there been blogs) in the olden days if I would have been brave enough to put up before pictures prior to losing any weight. I so admire people now that do. Talk about accountability! I hope you put some up soon.
@Jody – So terrible about the burgulary. What a violation. I think some people are just more comfortable in front of the camera than others – don’t you?
@Jo – I totally sympathize with how you felt when you looked at those pictures. It’s good you turned them around to get started on the road to better health. I’m glad you and your son share those memories, both in your mind and in photos.
I have very few “before” pictures of myself because I was always the one taking the picture! For those few times when I did get my pic taken, I was like you – surprised! I also couldn’t believe that I had let myself get as big as I did, because I really didn’t feel that big.
Now I like having my picture taken even though I’m still not where I want to be because I want “during” pics to show off when I do get to my goal!
And Miz’ comment really has me thinking. I’m going to start taking pictures with my kids for that very reason.
Jill´s last blog ..Accept it, agree with it, and OWN it
I really need to get a camera. I’m asking for one for Christmas! I gave you a Lovely Blog award this morning in my post. You definitely deserve it!
Tammy´s last blog ..Oops…I Forgot!!
@Jill – I’m glad MizFit’s comment resonated with you. It did with me too. Good for you on all your great progress!
@Tammy – Thank you so much!! And yes, you definitely need a decent camera, you deserve that.
There was a time when I used to “hide” behind things in pictures…
MizFit makes a great point. Yes, our children deserve to have pictures of us even though we may not want them taken (for sooo many different reasons).
Andrea@WellnessNotes´s last blog ..A Sticky Situation
I know I’ve thrown out (ripped) pictures of myself over the years because I didn’t like what I saw. It’s hard reliving some of those feelings when people wanted to take my pictures. usually I would try to smile but I can remember several times begging hubby or someone not to take my picture because I looked a mess. It’s tough giving ourselves that self love without wanting to pick ourselves apart.
Dawn´s last blog ..Working on the house
@Andrea – I’m so glad that you don’t have to hide behind things, or the camera anymore. I love your blog!
@Dawn – Oh, you are so right. It is a hard thing to appreciate all the good things we have to offer, while at the same time being critical of our appearance.
I am another person who is guilty of being the person behind the camera, never in front of it- I am trying to overcome that, but man is it ever hard!! All i see is the negative things.
Thanks for your posts in my blog, always nice to have someone new post
Big_mummy´s last blog ..I am lovely
@Big Mummy – I hope that you will be able to move from behind the camera and have some pictures made of you!! Thank you for coming by, I enjoy your blog.
Photos are a wonderful way to capture memories, and it’s sad that so many people shy away from the camera. I think that mirrors act in a similar way, though; sometimes we look at ourselves in the mirror and whether it’s horror or happiness we think, “really? Is that ME?”. Funny how warped our perceptions of ourselves are.
Sagan´s last blog ..Guest Post: Handing in my stripes
Isn’t it so weird how we can have one idea of how we look in our mind and then be completely surprised when that idea doesn’t match what we see in pictures? That used to happen to me all the time. I knew I was overweight, knew I needed to lose weight, but I just kind of had this mental picture of myself that wasn’t THAT big, and then I’d see a picture and want to crawl into a hole because of the shock!
erin´s last blog ..The Happy Plate
@Sagan – I know I definitely had a warped perception of myself, and it wasn’t a good one. I agree with you on cameras and mirrors being similiar.
@Erin – Yes, I have always found that to be a strange phenoma, how we have a warped perception of ourselves. Your after pictures are so different than your before ones!
I wish a picture spurred me on, but it was when my stomach touched the steering wheel one day, and no one drove my car but me!
I wonder if there are many emotional male eaters out there as women emotional eaters??
Biz´s last blog ..Impromptu Sushi!
Hi Diane, I’ve been following your blog for weeks and I’m always amazed at how much I can relate to your problems! After years on yo-yo diets, this time it’s serious – I’ve dropped 52lbs since the beginning of the year, and I’m close to my target now. I feel like a new person.
As for having my picture taken, I wasn’t really concerned about it and have lots of awful pictures to remind me of what I don’t ever want to look like again. But if I didn’t mind having the pictures taken, on the other side I was usually surprised to see the results. I’d look at each picture in total disbelief that that fat person was me. It wasn’t possible that I’d got this big! And in my case, even the mirror didn’t give me this impression, I was okay looking at it. The problem was really the pictures. Anyway, now I want as many pictures I can have, to remind me of how good I look without all the extra weight.
BTW, thanks for all your postings. They are a true inspiration for lots of us to keep going!
@Biz – Okay, I got a really good visual picture of that right now, because I had that happen to me too. It wasn’t a good day, and unfortunately for me, it didn’t get me going either! I’m so impressed by all you have accomplished.
@Ka – Thank you so much for commenting. I’m glad that you can relate to my journey. Congratulations on your amazing weight loss. Isn’t it nice to enjoy looking at photographs of yourself? Great job!
you are right of course, as is MsFit.. but my families have NOT had pics of me for a while…and they still won’t. I have lots I’ve taken of myself that I will allow, so they can raid my Macbook if I go. WHEN I finally lose this 190 lb monkey off my back, you can be sure I’ll be posing front and centre of everyone’s cameras.
Diane..thanks for commenting on my blog today!! no.. i didn’t lose 7 lbs since Monday.. I shed some water weight from the previous day’s indulgences. It looks like i’m about a pound lower than my last official WI…. quite respectable and nothing to worry about.
Amos the Lion heart´s last blog ..ramblings of a home alone weight watcher
I’m glad that you didn’t lose 7 pounds in a couple of days, because that wouldn’t be good! I hope that you will be where you want to be before you know it! Keep up the good work!
Just had a picture taken 2 weeks ago on vacation that made me want to cry – and this after losing 25 lbs from my all-time heaviest. Still – giving up isn’t in the cards unless I want to keep looking and feeling my worst.
Gigi´s last blog ..Sky High Dilemma
I’ve also avoided having pictures taken of me, and hated when they were. I rarely let anyone take photos of me, and it’s something I know I shouldn’t do, but still can’t resist doing so.
You (and MizFit) have given me a lot to think about today. And another motivation to keep going: the sooner I get this weight off, the sooner I’ll stop hating photographs.
Hadley´s last blog ..Whole Foods
@Gigi – Oh, don’t be too upset. Just set it aside to put in your album of “during” pictures. Then you will be able to look at it with pride when you get to where you want to be.
@Hadley – I know it’s hard, but for the sake of your family memories, I hope you will at least be in some pictures!!
You look great now! And you are an inspiration to so many women out there. Do not fear the cameras=)
I have avoided pictures for the last several years. When I saw my wedding photos I initially cringed. I am finding that I can look at them with more compassion now and focus on the happiness of the day and not my double chin and bulging belly. It is a process… I enjoy reading your blog and can relate to so much that you write about. You are an inspiration to me!
@Hua – Thank you so much. I guess I’m not afraid of the camera as much as I feel self conscious with the attention. Does that make sense?
@Kat – That is so great that you are learning to focus on the memories associated with the pictures rather than just your physical appearance. Thank you for the nice compliment. I’m glad you are enjoying reading my thoughts.
I can’t believe that was you. you have come so far. you are amazing…
Lisa´s last blog ..Yesterday… ummm… not so good
With the advent of digital, it became quite easy for me to simply “delete” any picture I deemed too offensive to even download to my computer! Lord only knows how many pictures of me were deleted without anyone ever seeing them, but I’ll be there are still a few undeveloped rolls of film containing pictures of the MO Cari just waiting to jump out at me from some storage bin or closet!
When I was younger, I was quite photogenic and, even though I always saw flaws in my body, I had a beautiful smile, dimples and great hair, so people were quite complimentary. If someone had a camera within 300 feet of me, I was ready with a smile — just in case they pointed it at me.
As I got fatter and fatter, I noticed that my face began to disappear. I had chipmunk cheeks that consumed my big eyes, and eventually they got so heavy I couldn’t lift the corners of my mouth into a complete smile. Add a few chins and I turned into a bloated, unrecognizable person who looked nothing like the internal image I had of myself. The disconnect was palpable and disheartening.
Not only was I fat, but now I couldn’t even be in photos because I was no longer me. I literally lost myself in a layer of blubber. Was it intentional? Was I trying to hide from something? I don’t know the answer to that just yet, but I’m working on it.
All I know is, as a thin person, I look for cameras to snap my picture (and there just aren’t enough of them in the world, darnit) and no longer view them as guns pointing and shooting at me!
My only regret? I now have WRINKLES that even Photoshop can’t erase…
But, don’t worry, I’m not letting a few lines keep me from being photographed — I refuse to delete myself from another 2 decades of life. My loved ones will have something to remember me by — complete with wrinkles, shrinkles and dimples! (Oh my!)
Cari (aka Gastric Bypass Barbie)´s last blog ..My Progress From Thick to Thin
@Lisa – Thanks for the compliment. Keep up your good work, and I appreciate your comment a lot!
@Cari – You describe your feelings so well, and a lot of people reading your comment will definitely relate, especially me. I’m glad that you aren’t shying away from the camera anymore, your after pictures are wonderful!
PS — I do remember something my best friend told me long ago whenever I had to be forced into having my picture “shot.” She said, “People love YOU — not the “you” in your own head, but the YOU they know and see. They know how big you are, but they still want your picture. They want something permanent to cherish and they don’t care if you think you’re fat.”
Ouch. That always made me give in to the picture, but it didn’t stop me from being horribly distraught once I saw it…
Cari (aka Gastric Bypass Barbie)´s last blog ..My Progress From Thick to Thin
There is a reason WHY I didn’t like taking a picture before I lost weight—now I don’t mind them as much
.
Tony´s last blog ..Chances of Success
Wow! What an amazing story. Thanks for sharing. I hate that appearance holds us back from making a difference in the world or enjoying experiences. I’m so happy for you that you are coming to a place now though that you can enjoy life experiences and spending time with family.
She-Fit´s last blog ..Laugh Away the Pounds
@Tony – Awesome that you are to the point where you don’t mind the pictures so much. You are doing a great job with your journey!
@She-Fit – I hate too that appearance does hold us back. I have been here for 12 years, and am so glad that I lost all the weight. It was the best thing for me, and my family.
Thanks for the inspiring post. You have done a wonderful job on your weight lost road trip. Thanks for sharing.
lyricgirl´s last blog ..My Transforming Body!
Diane,
As always, your blog is so inspiring!
Sometimes I look in the mirror and think, I hope my husband can’t really see all that. After reading several of your blogs I am getting motivated to change some habits. Although my husband loves me just the way I am, I know he’d appreciate a fitter and healthier me!
@lyricgirl – Thank you for commenting. I hope you have a wonderful week.
@Evelyn – I’m sure that your husband only sees the good and lovely person that you are. I know that you can change anything you really want to! Have a great week!
Hi Diane,
Thank you for always leaving such wonderfully supportive comments on my blog. It means a great deal to me and I truly appreciate it and always look forward to reading your comments. So THANK YOU!!!
I love your site. Yours is a great and inspirational story of which I’m quite privelaged to have read (and will continue to read)
MizFit does make a great point and so true. My mother hated taking pics (I know it’s because she too battled with her weight all her short life). She passed away when she was 37 and I have so few pix of her – only wish I had more. I know that my son will have tons of pix of me (befores and afters)
.. All the best
Joania´s last blog ..NO PLAN, NO SPECIAL DIET…Just Trying To Live & Enjoy Life..
For most of my obese life, I avoided the camera, but as I
shared in one of my first blog posts, a friend’s comment about not having pictures of her friend, who had died, got me on the right track: “I’ve almost forgotten her beautiful smile and the way her eyes sparkled when she laughed.”
I realized I was being selfish. Now I still don’t *love* having my photo taken, but I smile and do it anyway.
The neat thing now is that I almost never recognize myself in the photos. I keep looking for Big Cammy.
Cammy@TippyToeDiet´s last blog ..What Fresh Hell Is This?
First off, I’ve never shied away from the camera much. My mom was into taking pictures and as soon as I got my first camera I took up the hobby. I just love photos of my friends/famiy and I having a good time…I love the good memories. Maybe that all comes from having so many friends and family that accepted me for who I was, which was overweight about 90% of my life so far.
Having said that I have hated how I looked in photos many times. In fact, last winter I was going through some shots I’d just taken of a friend and I that we were visiting in another state and I sighed deeply. My husband asked what was wrong and I told him, “I see myself in this picture and I just don’t feel like it’s me. I look so big. This is NOT the real me.” Unfortunately, I just figured I had to learn to love myself as a fat woman and it didn’t spur me on to begin weight loss.
A photo 4 months later did though (along with hitting over 230 on the scale and my knees aching)…it was the first time I actually retook a photo because I swore I wasn’t about to show anyone that picture. I even posted about it after I started my weight loss journey in May. http://leahs-new-ending.blogspot.com/2009/05/photo.html
Also, I agree very much with MizFit’s comment on having those pictures taken. Moments may come and go, but a photo can help a memory last forever! So, smile for that camera!!
(Gosh, sorry didn’t mean to go on and on..just a scrapbooking/photo-taking fanatic here…)
Leah´s last blog ..Pride & Falls and Ups & Downs
I often look at pictures of myself and wonder who that person is. I don’t know why it is so shocking to me to see myself in print. I mean–I look in the mirror every day, but I think I’m able to focus on the thinks I like when its live. I’ll try to do that more when looking at pictures too.
teresa´s last blog ..My Ice Cream Epiphany
I remember sitting in the car in tears quite a few times after picking up photos I was excited about being developed.
A Girl Running´s last blog ..Little Lentil
Diane, I know exactly what you are talking about with this. In fact, I still don’t think I see who I am in the mirror. I am often amazed when I look at myself in a picture, but it doesn’t take long for me to forget where I am at right now and think of myself much bigger than I am.
South Beach Steve´s last blog ..The Danger Zone
There’s a song on the Skinny Songs CD about this. She gets photos of a trip she took with friends. “Who the he** is that, cuz it sure ain’t me. How’d I get so fat? It’s a shame to see. Something’s gone wrong with the photo quality. Who the he** is that cuz it sure ain’t me.” I laughed til I cried the first time I heard it.
MamaBearJune´s last blog ..The beat goes on
I lost both my parents at a young age (I was 14). And I WISH I had more pictures. I only have 1 where they look like I remembered them.
Its because of this that I’m making a conscious effort to NOT shy away from the camera. I want to take pictures of special memories and I want my little kiddies to remember me enjoying those memories with them.
Lola´s last blog ..Spilling the Beans
I remember those holiday-pictures, years ago
In het mirror, I never looked at myself in profile (allways in front); I had no idea I was that fat !
Did it help? Not realy, not for a long period, I am still that fat.
However, I do know I should start someday …
Wow Miz comment is so powerful and a great thing to remember when someone starts clicking away.
My personal philosophy with photos is, when a camera appears, rock what you got! Smile, strike a pose, and give people something to smile about when they look at the picture later (but remain G rated for bejebus sakes!)
Just_Kelly´s last blog ..Weekly Update: Sickness(?), Special Olympics, Veggies, and Clutter Butt (oh my!)