A few weeks ago, I got this comment from Vickie:
“Please add this to your list of things to write about – keeping secrets and why the secrets have to come out/stop in order to get to a place where one can lose weight, maintain losses and be happy (with themselves). It can be the number on the scale, the secret stash of food (which you have written about), or the daily habits. and I think that it can also be the $$$/debt on a credit card, the condition of the clutter in our house, how we spend our time, and lots of other things that we MAKE into secrets.”
I’ve been thinking about this topic ever since I got the comment from Vickie. Why do we keep secrets? I can’t speak for the world in general, but in my own life, I realized there were many reasons to explain why I kept/keep secrets.
- Embarrassed/Ashamed
- Protect Myself
- Protect Other People
- I Know What I’m Doing Is Wrong
- Don’t Want Others To Emulate My Behavior
- Fear
- Uncertainty
- Selfish
- Power
- Establish or Destroy Boundaries
As I was writing these things down the last one I wrote resonated with me. It seemed to be the common denominator among them all. When I was hiding food from my husband, or eating drive thru meals on the sly, I was putting up a fence between the Diane I wanted people to see, and the real Diane. And for me, that fence wasn’t a see thru chain link fence, but rather an 8 foot solid wood fence. It sent the message: DO NOT ENTER.
The boundaries I was establishing by keeping secrets were a hindrance to my progress. I realized as I was contemplating this question, that the secrets we keep from other people and from ourselves are often times determential to us, not only in weight loss, but also in life. As Vickie alluded to in her comment, there are many secrets that we can keep. Financial, emotional, cleanliness, habits, weight, etc. Is there any correlation between the keeping of secrets and our forward progress?
For me, there definitely was. It wasn’t until I could admit to myself that I was struggling with food and my secret habits were damaging my life and my body, that I could move forward. It’s similiar to shining a light in a dark room. Until the light is on you can’t see what’s hidden in there. And until you can see what’s hidden, you don’t know what you are dealing with.
Secrets for me weren’t just about food. They were about relationships and life. I kept things from John and my friends hoping that they wouldn’t think badly of me. The funny thing was, they didn’t think of me any differently once I showed them my secret food habits. In fact they were proud that I was strong enough to come clean, and that I trusted them.
Secrets have a way of being revealed whether we intend for them to be or not. And when they are revealed, there is sometimes pain. The pain in my life was what often sent me to food. Pulling the secrets out and really dealing with them helped move me past my dependence on food, and start relying more on my faith and on the realization that no secret was worth keeping if the consequences were bad for me.
Do I still have secrets? Of course! We all do. But knowing what secrets are okay to have, and which ones are bad for you is an important part of your success in life. It’s never easy to open yourself up, either internally or to other people, but sometimes it’s necessary and healing.
What are your thoughts on the secrets we keep? Harmful or helpful? Diane
By the way – I got to tell my story to Skinny Scoopers Diet Detectives! They have a great newsletter too!
P.S. This next week my goal is to get my act together with my blogrolls. If you’d like to be on there, please either let me know in the comments or email me at diane@fittothefinish.com. I’m going to keep it broken into two sections (I think), one for those “Fighting the Fight” and those for “Staying the Course.” If you’d let me know where you’d like to be placed that would be great! I’ll keep this P.S. up on the next several posts so I can catch everyone who likes link love, and don’t we all!
FOR ME (yada yada yada disclaimer here this is only me
) secrets are 99% of the time actions or occurrences or realities about me which do NOT mesh with whom I want to or strive to be.
.-= MizFit´s last blog ..Updates: from KURUs to cookbooks. =-.
I remember that comment from Vickie. I think that secrets, unless they are the good kind, definitely hinder my success. Definetly.
My feeling too is that secrets are as much about hiding ‘the awful truth’ from ourselves as others, and they are a huge hindrance to progress.
Of your list, fear, embarrassment and shame were major factors for me. My old hidden food supplies were definitely something I ‘knew’ was wrong but until I really admitted this to ‘me’ I had no chance of admitting it to my husband or doing something about it. At the end of the day, the person this hurt most was me.
.-= Deniz´s last blog ..Back to normal… =-.
I have been doing a lot of negative self talk lately.
I wrote this quote down yesterday and thought I’d share it with all of you:
“There are two ways of meeting difficulties: You alter the difficulties or you alter yourself to meet them.” -Phyllis Bottome
It’s time for me to change my thinking.
I think we all have secrets, some of which are better kept that way, but some that are used to hide realities. Many times we don’t even realize what we are doing until we reflect on it some time later.
.-= South Beach Steve´s last blog ..Magnificent Monday =-.
Definitely harmful! While I was binging in secret I was binging most weeks, and they were starting to stretch out over more than one day… As soon as I started talking about it some of the urge disappeared, and then one day I actually bought a load of stuff to eat in front of my then fiance – the satisfaction I was used to finding (at the time) when binging plummeted. I wasn’t ‘getting away’ with any, and without him having to say anything at all (though he did look a tiny bit surprised once or twice!) I didn’t actually want to finish all I’d bought. I haven’t eaten that much again since, although I still have very overeating days now and then. And I try to confess them somewhere – to my husband / mother / on my blog – so that I still feel accountable and don’t fall back into that habit. I think I was actually feeling a bit like a naughty child ‘putting one over’ on the grown ups – how childish is that!!! I would also agree that I kept other secrets at the time, as you said to stop people seeing the real me – I was afraid they would think I was weak or greedy (well, I was greedy!!!) and be disgusted… In the event the most I saw when I came clean was surprise, and I received a lot of support that really helped me
I can understand how secrets play a big part in the weight loss game for many. My own experience has been totally different for reasons I still do not totally understand( I never binge eat, never eat in secret, never hide food, but instead wound up being born into a family where life seemed to be one big eating contest and married to the oldest of 6 so it was a novelty to no longer have to be quick to get the most food). One other thing that has been a motivation in the past was clutter. Too much stuff ( physical and emotional) can make it very difficult to isolate what to work on, find the tools to work with or a clear surface to work on). If we have a lot of secrets they often become clutter , and then we begin to fear clearing things out because suddenly our dirty laundry will be revealed. So should we first clear the clutter or do the laundry – and in doing the laundry we begin to attack the clutter. I think what I am saying is that this is another angle through which we can or should deal with our secrets.
.-= Diane´s last blog ..O goosey darling…. =-.
Diane, I so love your posts every time. I can see why you are so in demand from other blogs & more!
My secrets were/are more embarrassed/ashamed and FEAR! That fear of failure is a big one for me. I am past really any blocks from exercising & weight loss. I understand that now, my triggers, what works & not & the fact that I have to change as things don’t work.
My issues are the non exercise/fitness stuff that keep me up at night AND in the gym working off my mind stress! They are not so much secrets but just not wanting to talk about it & more trying to figure out my way… but sometimes asking people can help, I know that.
Thx Diane!
I think secrets for me are things that I feel I’m not doing a good enough job on and don’t want others to find out, like the cleanliness of my house or how I raise my kids. Feelings of insecurity put up walls of secrecy.
.-= Amy H.´s last blog ..Ham and Swiss Pizza =-.
I’m not much for keeping secrets from others. Hiding things from myself has been a bigger problem.
Finding these truths, though, has been a joyous journey.
.-= Cammy@TippyToeDiet´s last blog ..Makeover Monday: The Longest Stride =-.
I think it depends on the secrets but then I tend to wear my heart on my sleave. The only thing I tend to keep secret is when it comes to food and my weight. Today, however, ironically I was very honest when I wanted to be anything but. It felt good.
.-= Robin´s last blog ..Motivating Myself =-.
hmmm, my BLOG is a secret… is that bad? It’s a secret from the people in my “real life”… even my husband doesn’t know about it. I guess I just want my real life friends and family to forget that I was ever bigger and only think of me as I am now… so I’m not sure I’d want them reading about my daily struggles with food and my history of yo-yo dieting….
.-= Janet´s last blog ..Day 134 – The Lost Years =-.
The worst secrets are the lies I tell myself about how much I am eating/exercising and the excuses I make to myself! I used to be a lot heavier and unhealthy before taking up running in 2006 and changing a lot of things about my lifestyle in the past five years or so…but I just cannot shake those last 15 – 20 pounds! It gets so very discouraging sometimes. I try to focus on being fit and healthy and not to give up. But sometimes it’s a struggle.
I just discovered your blog via someone else and added you to my blogroll because you have wonderful posts – I’m looking forward to hearing more of your insights!
This is an intriguing post. The secrets of my own that immediately came to mind all relate to sneaking food, but I will have to think and see if I am being secretive in other ways.
.-= erin´s last blog ..Hit the Road, Jack, and Don’t You Come Back No More! =-.
Great post and I do think secrets can stop or prolong progress in all areas of our lives. I do think we need to be more open at least with ourselves. I think that’s one reason I enjoy blogging I can let go of some stuff bothering me. You always have such good things to say. Thanks to Vickie on this one too, good topic.
.-= Dawn´s last blog ..Monday’s already over =-.
Great post Diane and thanks for sharing yours. I know it’s not easy sometimes. I used to be a secret eater but it’s one of the first issues that blogging helped me with. I feel accountable to my blog friends and feel like I would have to admit it to all of you. It’s interesting though because my blog is a secret. If anyone I knew read it, I don’t think I would be as honest. I guess that makes my blog a good secret??
What a great topic. I think secrets (for me) are usually harmful. I do the same like you, if I don’t fight it, I’ll try to hide the “bad decisions” I make so that others won’t be disappointed in me. But in the end, I need to realize that its ME I’m hurting. Its ME that I’m doing this for, no one else.
**I love the quote that Joanna shared.**
PS – I’d love to be included in your blogroll….Fighting the Fight section. Thanks for the opportunity!
.-= Lola´s last blog ..After a Workout, I feel… =-.
I think keeping secrets often has a lot to do with not being honest with yourself. Once you stop keeping secrets, you have to acknowledge what you are really doing.
Post was really good (thank you) and the comments are just as good!!!
After I left you that note – I watched something that talked about power. And it said (something like) when you have a secret – you are giving the power to the secret. And when you deal with the reality of the secret – then you are empowering yourself.
.-= vickie´s last blog ..Last 20 lbs Series – Did you read yesterday’s post and wonder – Is this eating disordered behavior? Or disordered body perception? =-.
I used to be a sneaky eater too… and yes, it was damaging. Making the decision to eat nothing in private that I wouldn’t eat in front of my husband or others was a huge step forward for me.
.-= Hanlie´s last blog ..Potato Pancakes with Herbed Tomatoes =-.
well let’s see there’s the secret spending I keep from my hubby, deffinately a good thing. Other than that I have to say I’m pretty clean.
Lying, however I am an ace at, those secrets (usually very small, like why I forgot to call on that bill, or why I was late to pick up our son) this is one habit I’d love to break. (remnants from a less-than perfect childhood)
.-= MyKashiDiet´s last blog .. =-.
Hmmm, secrets. Although I still keep some, most are out now. The ones I choose to keep are at this point to protect certain members of my family. As in, it would do no good to put this out there now. But that’s not to say I haven’t told anybody (therapy much?). So I guess keeping a secret, as long as you know why, is OK.
Oh, I’d love to be on your blogroll – the “fighting the good fight” one! Thanks!
.-= Shelley B´s last blog ..Book Review and Giveaway! =-.
Hi Diane. I really relate to the “DO NOT ENTER”. I would never binge in front of anyone else and even consider it to be a *food or people* choice. I find it much harder to show my face in public when I have been bingeing, much harder to spend any time with other people when I am carrying this terrible secret. The times when I am choosing food rather than people are very bad times.
Like the other commenter, anonymity allows me to be honest on my blog. But even then it’s tough to write it down.
Best wishes,
Bearfriend xx
.-= Bearfriend´s last blog ..Lighter Post! =-.
This is a tough post for me. It’s the sort of thing I need to face up to, but I’m just not ready yet.
I’ve kept my weight loss journey a secret. While I accept that at some point, people are going to notice, I’m loath for that moment to happen.
I need to stop hiding so much of my life, but even though I’m shedding the pounds, I worry that I’m not quite ready to pour sunlight on everything just yet.
.-= Hadley´s last blog ..Tuesday Weigh In =-.
Secrets lead to guilt, which leads to eating. The secrets don’t even have to be food related. I think we hide from the pain of discovery not realizing that the immediate pain is actually much, much less than the chronicity of the pain of being overweight.
.-= Lori´s last blog ..Anniversary! =-.
I think having my blog has been a way for me to see that my “secrets” were really the same things everyone suffers with. Admitting my secrets and having readers say, “Oh I do that all the time!” has really helped me open up not only on my blog, but also IRL as well. It has really been freeing to know that I am not the only one who has done things like eating the last piece of cake so I can get it out of the house!
I would love to be added to your blogroll! I’m still fighting, but I hope soon to be staying the course!
.-= Jill´s last blog ..Sunday ramble =-.
As usual, you hit it on the by writing from the heart Diane.
I agree that the secrets we sometimes keep, food related or not, can stand in the way of our progress.
Time in the past when I’d hit the drive thru, eat things that were loaded with sugar, etc… because (insert excuse here) but then would “be surprised” when my clothes got tighter, etc… My fence was tall & solid for a few years.
Breaking it down was one of the best things I’ve done.
Thanks for another great post.
Oh yeah – blogroll me baby! I’m fighting the fight! lol
Best wishes,
Lynn
I would love to be on your blogroll:) I’m fighting the fight big time!
.-= Christa´s last blog ..Meals for 9/29/09 =-.
I would love to be on your blogroll and for now I would like to be on fighting the fight and hopefully be on the other one in a few months.
I do have secrets most of them are things people told me and I can’t tell anyone else but that’s about it.
Awesome that you’re running a 5K Saturday: I’ll be thinking of you and that 10K in Spring: you’re going to do that too, I’m sure!
.-= Fran´s last blog ..A day in my life: Tuesday September 29th 2009 =-.
Secret eating makes for the worst kept secret there can possibly be, doesn’t it?
.-= Jack Sh*t, Gettin’ Fit´s last blog ..I’m Sorry, Chris Isaak =-.
I think secrets need to brought to the light. If not to other people but to ourselves so we can be honest with who we really are. There is no need to layer piles of paper on top of problem which needs fixing. It about solving our issues not hiding them. Great post.
I’m with @Amy. My worst secrets are the ones I keep from myself. It took me so long to resolve my binging, eating disordered self with my “public” self. It’s like they were two different people who’d never met…except they totally relied on each other. I would deny it to the skies that I ate any differently than any skinny person and really believe what I was saying. It’s amazing that I was able to do that for so long.
.-= Sarah´s last blog ..Sunday Night Notes =-.
I can’t remember who said this but the quote is,”The more secrets a family has, the less healthy the family.” I’m sure it applies to individuals also.
Diane, you write very educational posts looking at the whole health and fitness area from so many interesting perspectives. Not surprising that you are so well followed.
Your thoughts about power really resonate because when I had disordered eating it was all about control, and I kept secrets to maintain that control.
.-= Sagan´s last blog ..Day 29 of the Vegan Challenge =-.
I’d love to be on your blog roll under fighting the fight. Thanks!
As far as the post goes, secrets are so huge. I am so guilty of secret eating. I did so well that no one could understand why I was overweight. I wouldn’t eat anything bad in front of anyone. But I’d over indulge alone in my car…Being completely honest with my husband helps me so much, I’m free to be myself. Finally.
.-= MackAttack´s last blog ..about eating =-.
My weight issue has always been a secret for me. I didn’t like to talk about it, and I still don’t. Most of my close friends don’t even know that I have a blog and talk about my food/weight issues and I’d probably be embarrased if they came across it. I guess it’s just easier being a little more “annonymous” via the web. Maybe it’s cowardly. I don’t know.
I was never one of those people to “announce” that I was trying to lose weight or on a diet. I guess, b/c I didn’t want people to know or to be asking how it was going when I was eating poorly. The subject has always been very touchy for me. I never wanted people to see me overeat, so it was always done with no one else around.
.-= Lori´s last blog .. =-.
Great blog, Diane!
Secrets -more importantly what people would think of me if they knew my secrets- is a big deterrent to growth in all areas of my life. Thank you for challenging me to think about these areas. You have a gift. Thanks for sharing it!
“blogrolls” is that like low fat egg rolls? I like lots of them! The more egg rolls the better. (so I guess that makes me more in the working on it group huh?)
I don’t think I tend to keep a lot of secrets… but then again if I did would I really tell you? hmmmm.
Truth is prefered at Foolsfitness, or bribes with candy!- Alan
I don’t think I realized how many food secrets I kept until I began this last weight loss journey. I find myself relating more and more to your past, Diane, and being so glad to know someone else kept treats away for themselves like I did. When that specific thought hit me I realized that it was a secret that had been hindering me from staying at a healthier weight.
This is something I’ll have to think on more. Thanks for the post. I’m so crazy busy this week that I barely got to reading it just now..late for me.
.-= Leah´s last blog ..It’ll Be Here Before I Know It =-.
When I first started reading I thought hmmm I don’t have any secrets. WRONG-O! There are times that I secretly eat things that I really should not be eating and you know what it is ridiculous. I can only imaginre the look on my face when my husband finds the wrappers and asks me what the heck this is?!
Nothing is worse that having that feeling hanging over your head.
If you think about it the only person a secret can harm is those who are keeping them letting them stew away and constantly trying to hide them.
So not worth it!
.-= Shannon Fab Fattie´s last blog ..Freedom! =-.
I have always have lots of secrets around food. And shame, even still to this day, though nothing like it used to be. This is a very good post, I’m going to have to think about my secrets for a few days.
I’d like to be on your blogroll, likely in still fighting the fight. I am close to maintenance, and am starting to think that way, but want 10 more pounds still.
.-= julie´s last blog ..Training the brain =-.
Diane, it may be too late, but if not I’d love to be added to your blogroll!
My blog is Turtle Progress
http://www.turtleprogress.com/
Category: “Fighting the Fight”
Thank you so much!
.-= Hilary´s last blog ..Doing Simple =-.