300 pounds is hard to hide. No matter where you go, you are taking up more space than you should. People notice fat people. We just can’t help it. Even when I weighed over 275 pounds, I noticed other overweight people, secretly comparing my size to theirs. Was my arm that big? Did I sway back and forth when I walked? What about my neck? “Surely,” I would think, “My hips aren’t as big as hers.”
Was I judging them? I don’t think I was. Rather, I really was trying to gauge exactly how large I was. I found it very difficult to reconcile my previous size with my current size. I just couldn’t visualize what I looked like to other people.
Walking around the mall gave me the opportunity to play a little game with John. He didn’t know he was playing a game – or maybe he did and never let on. From time to time, I would point out an overweight person in the mall and ask John, “Do you think I’m as big as they are?” He’d look where I was pointing, and say, “Oh, no. Not that big.” I’d be happy for awhile, because that person was definitely huge, but then the self doubt would creep in again. “What about that person?” I’d say. Again, he’d reassure me that I wasn’t nearly as big as that person either. Every time he reassured me that I wasn’t that large, it temporarily made me feel better. Maybe I wasn’t as big as I thought I was. (Remember, at my worst, I was a size 28.) However, one day I got a perspective that made me wish I had never wondered how I looked to other people.
One day, my perception of myself, got a big fat dose of reality. We were living in Florida at the time, and decided it was time to declutter and clean things up. We gathered together all of our old clothes, shoes, outgrown toys, and unused items and organized them in the garage in preparation for a garage sale. The appointed Saturday rolled around, and people showed up to turn our junk into their treasure. Sales were brisk, and John and I were pleased with how much stuff was going away. About midway through the morning, a car pulled up and parked on the side of the road by our house. Exiting the car was a huge woman, accompanied by some friends or family members. They walked up the driveway, we greeted them, and then sat down in our chairs to chat while they looked around. The large woman had a few things in her hands and walked over to me. She said, “Do you have any of your clothes for sale?” I looked at her and said, “Excuse me?” She repeated her question, and I said, “No, I’m not selling my clothes today.” She paid for her items and left.
I whipped my head around to my husband and whispered, “Am I as big as that woman leaving?” He looked at her, looked at me and said, “I don’t know.” I said again, “AM I?” He said, “Well, I guess so.” Crushed. I was crushed. For years I had been trying desperately to see one thing in the mirror, whereas the rest of the world was seeing a huge, large, obese woman. How in the world could I be as big as that woman? I watched her go to her car, gingerly lower herself into the driver’s seat, struggle to reach over and shut the door and leave. And then I knew. She got into her car the same way I did mine, struggling to maneuver herself in. I was her.
From that day on I never asked John if I was as big as someone else, because I knew the answer. Year after year I thought about that garage sale day, and year after year I kept gaining weight, wishing something magical would happen. Have you ever had a dose of reality that you wished hadn’t happen? Diane
This post was very insightful, every time I see an overweight person I think “Am I that big?” may teach me to try not to compare
When I hit the garage sale part – I was afraid you were going to say that you were selling clothes and that someone tried something on and it either fit or was too big. So while your story was ‘bad’ it wasn’t as ‘bad’ as I thought it was going to be.
I do think that most of US have perception problems on the way UP.
I think that people have perception problems on the way down too.
I remember that part of the “how to look good naked” show was presenting a line of women (of varying sizes, lined up by size) and having the participant see where she thought she ‘fit’. Normally those women would think that they were bigger than they actually were. And most of these women were not in the obese catagory. Normally they were in the over weight catagory.
So I wonder if that is two ends of the spectrum – thinking at our largest that we aren’t as big as we are and then on the way down – thinking we are bigger than we actually are.
I have actually (you know me) been paying attention to my size perceptions.
And when I am shopping – I do think that I WILL fit into the clothes that are the right size for me.
I CAN look (at too big of sizes, just on the hanger, before I look at the tag) and know those clothes are TOO big.
I can look at the sizes that I was, just a couple months ago, and they look BIG to me.
And every time it surprises me – because I expected to go through a perception problem, but am not.
I think it is because I was the same size for two full years – I got used to SEEING that size. And so now I can SEE the smaller size.
.-= vickie´s last blog ..I think this bothers people – I guess because I used to avoid fit people, I just didn’t know what to say =-.
Reality came for me when I saw pics of myself at a BBQ. I just knew I looked cute, but when the picture evidence came back, in reality, I was just a hot mess.
That is when I begin my fitness journey. I’ve never looked back.
.-= Yum Yucky´s last blog ..Taste Test: Betty Crocker Gluten-Free Brownie Mix =-.
oh my heart went out to you there reading this entry…How awful that must have been.
I never ever asked anyone if I was fat, or looked fat in a item of clothing, I knew I did and didnt want to hear them lying to me or them telling me I did…so I never spoke to anyone about my weight in a negitive way…ever!
I did walk past people and wonder if I looked like them…sometimes today I catch myself looking and saying to myself * I am as big as her * then remember…NO, I’ve lost the weight…I no longer am that size…
.-= Marcelle´s last blog ..Anniversary Blog Design =-.
I really have no idea what my body really looks like so I can relate to your stories about comparing yourself to others.
Like Josie, I think my reality came when I saw pictures, too….and everyone look great except for me.
.-= Joanna Sutter´s last blog ..Wicked Workout =-.
For me it was the moment that started our change, or as I refer to it the crack heard round the world. We were grocery shopping, and both son and I were having trouble walking in the grocery store because of knee problems and just getting exhausted. We went to sit down on a park bench while my husband paid for the purchases, and the bench broke. It was in that moment that I woke up and realized that if I did not force a major lifestyle change on this whole family RIGHT NOW, we would all be dead in a very short time. So the work began. Currently my son has lost 83 pounds with a lot more to go , and hubby and I have lost about 40 lbs each. We still have a way to go , but we re getting there.
.-= Diane´s last blog ..It’s tricky to find the right way to treat me =-.
I can 100% relate to this. I used to ask my hubby these questions until I heard the answer for real. I really was as big as the huge people I saw. It crushed me for a long time.
He’s not always 100% supportive so that made it harder.
I think I do have a good perception of how big I am. I’ve lost some weight, but have a long way to go. When I think about myself I think of how I used to be rather than how I am now. That makes it motivating to get fit.
One time I was laughing at (with?) my infant daughter because her pants were low and her butt crack was showing, so I made my husband take a picture of how funny she looked (I had to hold her, of course). When I looked at the picture all I could see was how fat I was. Here I was laughing at her and really I was the one that looked ridiculous. Horrible feeling.
.-= Amy H.´s last blog ..Melon Brains =-.
Diane, thx for sharing this. I was never obese but overweight BUT even now, I still fall victim to comparing myself to others. You would think we would learn but even when we are at our goal weight or fit, it all comes creeping back.. the insecurities & all that mental stuff. A couple of my step daughters have struggled with their weight & they have asked me at times if they are as big as another person & their mom too struggles & she has asked me too. I think we all have been there.
It is a life long process & we just keep plugging & trying to “love ourselves” for all we have accomplished, not just our weight loss success.
Diane, do you still compare yourself to others or are you past it?
.-= Jody – Fit at 51´s last blog ..GIVEAWAY! Nature Made Vitamin Giveaway! =-.
Once a woman who was clearly about 100 pounds heavier than I started talking with me about clothes and asking about my size. She seemed to think we were a lot closer in size than I did. While I reassured myself that we were nowhere near the same size I soon after saw a picture of myself that put me a lot closer to her than I had thought. It was an eye-opener.
.-= Gigi´s last blog ..Express Lane =-.
I’ll never forget the night we settled in to watch Biggest Loser and my one daughter turned to her sister and said “Wow, mommy should go on there!”
Real eye opening moment for me.
.-= Josie – 35 and shrinking´s last blog ..This is me today =-.
I remember that day at the yard sale. That really threw you for a loop. I never like answering those questions comparing you to other people. I’m glad those days are behind you. Love you.
I think it’s amazing how your perception of yourself was off. I don’t think I’ve got that. I know exactly how big I am and how much farher I need to go to get to where I MUST be.
I now look at pictures of myself when I was overweight, and I think the person doesn’t look like me. I think it’s partly because I never really acknowledged the weight gain…
Hi Diane. I think there is a lot of denial when people are big. That, in a sense, is what allows you to carry on as you are. If you actually saw the true picture then you would HAVE to do something about it.
I am very guilty of this myself.
Whenever I’ve asked The Bear if he thinks I look fat or “too fat” he always just mumbles that I look “about average”! Bless him!
Best wishes,
Bearfriend xx
.-= Bearfriend´s last blog ..Personality =-.
I STILL do that to my husband! I am wondering if I ever will stop. Most of the time, I get the answer I wanted to hear, but now that I have lost some weight and am starting to get a more realistic view of myself, sometimes I get the answer I expect, even though I really don’t want it!
.-= Pam´s last blog ..Journeys Don’t Take Holidays =-.
Mine was when my then 4 year old had a party at school and when we got home he asked me why all the other mommies weren’t fat like me. It broke my heart.
.-= Melissa´s last blog ..Running, Shredding, and Life =-.
Yes, I have had those moments. Usually when I think someone is way bigger than me and I find out they weigh less or wear a smaller size than me. Or when I’m shopping and think some pants would definitely fit me and then they don’t at all. That’s a horrible feeling.
.-= Leah´s last blog ..Hot 100 – Update #3 =-.
Thanks for sharing that story Diane. I know it must be difficult at times to relive those moments. I’m guilty of the size game too. Something about thinking someone looks worse than you do is comforting even though it might not necessarily be true. Congrats on not having to play the game anymore!
I actually still do the exact same thing as a thin person. I know I am thin, but my perception of myself hasn’t really caught up with that fact yet. So I will see some woman somewhere and think she looks fantastic, and I will try to judge whether I am bigger or smaller. It’s really hard to assess for yourself. Sometimes I will ask my husband…. and it’s funny to see the look of panic on his face (although I don’t get upset by the answer anymore, like I used to…).
.-= Janet´s last blog ..Day 157 – Motivation to Run =-.
I ask that of my husband ALL the time, I hate that I do, I feel pathetic. I remember for my SIL’s wedding I was pleased I wasn’t the biggest bridesmaid. Guess what? A couple years later that girl lost a ton of weight and now I’m the biggest of all the girls. Serves me right.
I was also someone who would compare myself to others too.
I think my embarrassing wake up call was when my husband got his new 4×4 truck. We had to put my sons car seat in the front in the passengers seat and I got to sit next to him. We were both joking and acting like teenage love birds getting to sit right next to each other. See, with me in the middle (and it was a BIG DODGE TRUCK) made us all squeeze together. When I tried to put the lap seatbelt on, he had to adjust it for as long as it would go. I couldn’t look down to see where it clipped in at over my double chin and stomache so he had to do it for me (with me sucking in my stomache as much as possible). It felt so good after I started to loose the weight and got to tighten up that seatbelt a little more each month
(I have never put my clothes in any of our garage sales…the worst fear would have been people actually KNOWING what size I wore (as if they couldn’t look at me and tell lol)
.-= brenda´s last blog ..For the love of Paper! =-.
Diane, I just read your husbands comment on your post….He’s a keeper!!
.-= brenda´s last blog ..For the love of Paper! =-.
Oh, Diane! I love your articles. It seems like everytime I read one you are talking just to ME!! I am sort of struggling right now…I have gained back much of the weight I lost a couple of years ago. It is not a huge amount, but I just feel better when it is not on me!! THanks for keeping me motivated!
The one thing that kept getting to me is when I had been 19 months post partum and I had about 10 people ask me if I was pregnant. That was really a wake up call!!!
.-= Staci´s last blog ..How Do You Spell Relief??? =-.
wow…This was a great post! I use to ask my BF that question all the time. Actually I still do. I feel like I need a comparison, I need to see what I look like.
.-= tj´s last blog ..Weigh In =-.
Each and every time I saw a photo of myself. That why I kept trying to NOT have pictures taken of myself. To the point where the last 15 years….almost nothing. Which is a sad gap in my family’s life history.
.-= Sunny´s last blog ..Still "Ebbing"… =-.
Have I ever had a dose of reality that I wish hadn’t happened? lol, too many times, Diane!
.-= Dr. J´s last blog ..Biggest Loser season 8, episode 6: Visiting family =-.
Gosh, Diane I think you and I were the same person! I used to do that ALL THE TIME. Constantly comparing myself to others and it was, like you said, only because I really wasn’t sure how I looked or how big I was. I think I had a distorted body image in the opposite where I thought I was smaller and looked better than I actually did! Sadly, the pictures don’t lie and they were a good dose of reality for me. I just looked at some recently and I don’t even recognize myself. I couldn’t help but feel embarassment and sadness when I looked at them. I know I don’t ever want to be that person again.
Great Post, and great husband. It’s interesting how everyone tells a similar story, mines the same. I spent years deceiving myself.
I don’t compare out loud, but I know I am mentally cataloguing women in public, on TV… I tend to do it shows like Biggest Loser, especially. It is a bit of a wakeup call though, that even now I could easily qualify as a contestant!
There is some hope for me, however. I don’t know if it is losing weight, getting older, what have you… But these days I compare myself to others less and less, and the gals I DO compare myself to are usually my dear friends, whose faithfulness and contentedness are qualities I am working at attaining more of, myself. Being content with myself in ALL things except my sin is something I am really working hard at, and it does seem to be paying off across the spectrum of my life. In physical matters like weight I just need to keep my pride from entering in. I should never have to inflate myself at someone else’s expense, which is what I find those mental comparisons lead to.
I’m growing and changing as I am shrinking, but I think it is more my growth as a Christian rather than my shrinking as a person, that is leading to my desire to look more at myself and my own behaviors and less at the perceived successes or failings of others.
.-= Taryl´s last blog ..Strange Week. =-.
Yes, I used to look at other women trying to guess if I was as big as them (which was very deceiving as I really lost notion of how big I’d gotten, even looking myself on the mirror). It wasn’t until I saw myself in pictures that I’d realize my real size (and get upset). Even after losing 50lbs+ I still have trouble recognizing myself in my ‘before’ pictures.
PS: I don’t always comment but I love your posts, Diane!
I love this post. I do compare myself to others and I think it’s more as an excuse for myself: as long as there are people who are bigger than me it’s not so bad. That’s ridiculous. At this moment I don’t do that anymore because I know what hard working losing weight is and maybe she or he is working hard too.
Funny is that when I drove home from grocery shopping I saw this woman who was running. First I thought “well she’s running in a strange way” but immediately after that I thought “maybe I run so strange too and people think that of me too” Self-reflection which I don’t always do.
Great post Diana and also very sweet of your husband to react.
.-= Fran´s last blog ..A day in my life: Wednesday October 21 2009 =-.
Loved reading this post Diane! My sister and I always joked that we had the opposite of anorexia – the bigger we got we still thought we looked good!
My AHA moment was when I got in my car one day and my stomach touched the steering wheel – and I was the only one who drove my car!
Thanks for sharing your stories!
.-= Biz´s last blog ..Can you feel the brand new day! =-.
Wow. That is honestly one of my biggest problems. I never had seen myself as big as I actually was. Worse than that, I knew in my 20s I yo-yo’d but I never in a million years thought I was as big as some of the pictures someone recently sent me were! My realization was always through pictures and I never saw it in the mirror. I still have no idea what I really look like to people, I must have a terribly warped set of eyes, but for now I just go with my sizes and let them tell me. Wish I could see myself as I am though.
.-= christieo´s last blog ..We Are THAT Family Carnival =-.
I guess I have a really wacked way of looking at myself… I am smaller than most of my friends, but I can’t help but compare myself to see if THEY are smaller than me. Kind of a reverse way of seeing myself – still thinking I’m much bigger than I really am. Does that make sense?
Diane – your husband is so sweet! Does he have brother? ha! ha!
Love your blog each and every day!
i have! and it sucks! I always say sometimes (ala Matrix) I wouldn’t take the red pill – sometimes i’m better off in my happy, oblivious place! haha Eventually, it’s always good to know so you can fix it, but dang, off the bat I hate it.
.-= fittingbackin´s last blog ..So You Think You Can Dance Concert, 8 miles, New Recipe and SICK =-.
It’s interesting how you said that you used others to gauge yourself. I do and always have done the same thing. I will look at someone who I think is about my size and either be envious that she can carry herself with class and still look amazing in a tank top. Then at the same time I have looked at people and thought oh dear I need to lose some weight.
If I had to choose a moment that it really hit me. It was Chrsitmas 4 years ago when we bought a video camera. I NEVER let anyone video me up to that point (33 years old) So we got the camera and I ended up in the video. Something about seeing yourself moving and talking, from the front, side and behind. That got my attention! I was literally depressed and could not even begin to enjoy the time between Christmas and most of Jan. until I lost some weight.
I feel like I still have work that needs to be done but I at least like who I see in the video camera now. Instead of feeling utter disgust I feel good about who I am today and how I look.
FYI if you ever wonder what you look like to another, video yourself. It is a whole different world than pictures!
.-= Shannon Fab Fattie´s last blog ..Would you do Gastric Bypass? =-.
Oh gosh. I play that game ALL the time. Every unflattering picture brings me back to reality. The TV show the other week was so depressing. I want to not be depressed at seeing myself!
.-= MackAttack´s last blog ..yellow picture =-.
I so hear you on this. Man, I can relate. Sometimes I’ll feel awesome then see a picture and kind of get slapped back to the reality: still awesome but big.
I know I have an under-inflated self image. When I look in a mirror I know how to strike a pose that hides what I need to hide and shows my best self. unfortunately I can’t pose throughout my whole life and only be seen from a straight on shot though!
Oh-ho-ho yes I did!! It was the first time I realized I was a blimp. I remember like it was yesterday.
My family and I were at Daytona Beach for vacation (even though we only lived in Jax, right down the road, lol). I was around the age of 14-15, was at the pool all day in my bathing suit, and that night we were having dinner in the restaurant by the hotel pool. I saw a girl walk by in a bathing suit, and I couldn’t believe she was out parading around being as HUGE as she was. I made a comment like, “I can’t believe she’s out in public in a swimsuit as huge as she is! I would NEVER do that if I were her size!”.
My dear, sweet, HONEST mother very pointedly cleared her throat, looked at me sideways with her eyebrows raised, said “ummmmm”….and that was it. That’s all she said, and all she had to say. I wanted to die. I was so embarassed in front of her, my dad, and my 2 sisters. I was embarassed in front of everyone at the hotel because I had been in a swimsuit at the pool ALL DAY LONG. To add salt to the wound, I was laying out on the beach by myself the very next day. 2 teenage boys sauntered by, trying to muffle their laughter, and just as they were passing, one of them said, “There’s Shamu”. Worst vacation of my life.
.-= Tammy´s last blog ..Learning Lots =-.
I love your posts… I really do!
I don’t think I was ever truly that ‘big’, I think I was in a “healthy range” for my height, but I did always feel uncomfortable, and hated that I felt “trapped”.
Funny story, one day my daughter (6) found a pic of me when I was super slim like I am now, she said to me, “Mommy, you were REALLY skinny then!!!” Then she starts to rub my arm as in condoling me and says, “You’re not skinny anymore!!” ROTFL!!!! I just thought to myself, “ain’t that the truth!!”
Gotta love kids!
.-= ~Carla~´s last blog ..The End of the Line… =-.
Have I ever had a dose of reality that I wish hadn’t happened?
Oh boy, do I, but it wasn’t before my weight loss. It’s happened since I got trim and fit. I judge fat people all the time, probably playing the same recording so many others played when they saw me as a morbidly obese person: “She needs to stop drinking so much soda!”…”Why does she have to eat all those fries?”…Doesn’t she realize that outfit looks terrible on her?”…”She needs to have (wait for it) — WEIGHT LOSS SURGERY.” See?
That’s how I view everything post surgery because I see what it’s done for me. I have an amazing life. I feel great, I am healthy, I am no longer a prisoner in my own body — I am FREE, and I want that for all obese people. Unfortunately, as selfless and humanitarian as that sounds, it’s not true for everyone — heck, it’s not true for most people.
Weight loss surgery is serious business. Contrary to popular opinion, it is NOT the easy way to lose weight. It is painful, scary and requires a permanent (and irreversible) commitment. So, when you asked if I was guilty of a dose of reality that I’d rather not have had, I can tell you it used to happen every single day. However, as a part of my own — ahem — recovery — I realized that it wasn’t healthy for me to sit in judgment of others, and would be better served focusing that energy on myself; on what i’m doing; on how I can be a better person. It’s not easy, and it’s no automatic, but I will say that, since I’ve begun acknowledging my bad attitude toward others, my attitude about myself took a hit, and has begun to improve. Does that make sense?
I guess it’s that old, “let he who is without sin cast the first stone” business…
So, the long answer is, yes. I’ve had lots of reality checks along my journey; some of them have been good, but others have been pretty painful. I mean, who likes to admit they are selfish and judgmental? Ugh. I think those two traits cause wrinkles
.-= Cari (aka Gastric Bypass Barbie)´s last blog ..Can You Ever Be Too Thin? =-.
The woman at the yard sale was an Angel, her being there gave you a visual of yourself and of your then current situation. John was truthful to you. Throught the hurt, you gained inspiration that “Someday” you’ll step forward to begin to lose the weight and improve your life. And you have. That’s Great.
I never really had that wake up call moment but it’s only now that I’m losing weight that I can finally accept how big I was. I used to see photos of myself and wonder why it was that they always managed to catch me at such unflattering angles. I knew I wasn’t really as fat as the photos showed…oh, except I was. It makes me completely distrust how I’m seeing myself now and that’s frustrating and worrisome because I fear it may lead to bad choices down the road. I WISH I had someone to whom I could ask whether I’m the same size as X, Y, Z woman, just so that I could get a realistic sense of my body for once!
(Oh, and I hope your family is feeling better!!!)
.-= Sarah´s last blog ..My Life Lately =-.
Hi Diane,
Catching up on my reading here. I totally relate to noticing other people and trying to determine how I measure up to other heavy people. Same as you – not so much judgment as curiosity and gauging my own size. And I had a similar experience of asking my husband “am I THAT big?” – and having him nod uncomfortably. Gut wrenching.
.-= Leslie Erickson´s last blog ..Insert Frowny Face =-.
I also used to do this, but have stopped because I realized that it was not helping me. Interestingly enough, I used to do this even before I was obese… so unhealthy!
.-= Hanlie´s last blog ..Tropical Fruit “Yogurt” =-.