Do you ever feel trapped in a body you don’t recognize anymore? I did. As the pounds came on, and the layers of fat multiplied, I began to feel trapped inside myself.
It happened slowly. The first sign I was becoming lost inside myself was in my selection of clothing. Once I needed a size larger than an 18, I did everything in my ability to avoid buying clothes. Dressing room dilemmas, mumu dresses, stretch pants, and tunic style tops depressed me. The ensuing depression caused me to drown my dilemmas in mounds of chocolate and gallons of ice cream.
But clothing choices weren’t the only sign that I was losing myself. My social interactions began to suffer. I avoided meeting new people and instead retreated to the comfort and safety of a small circle of friends who didn’t seem to care whether I was fat or not.
My health suffered. Even though I was in my 20’s, I was always tired and listless. I had no energy for anything beyond what was absolutely required of me. If John asked me if I wanted to take a day trip to a nearby attraction I always said no. After all, a trip to the park would require too much walking, sitting, and pushing children on the swings. Sometimes I gave in and went on the trip, but we frequently left early, as I was too tired to finish the planned activities.
The fat seemed to wind itself around my hips, my thighs, my waist, my arms, and my soul.
Every day when I woke up and struggled to summon the energy to get out bed I swore to myself that I would quit eating so much. But every day the fat seemed to suck the determination out of my body and I allowed my lack of energy to be a self fulfilling prophecy. Once my weight reached over 300 pounds I literally felt suffocated and strangled. I felt paralyzed and unable to make healthy choices. It was at this point that I occasionally gave up on seriously trying to lose weight. My weight bounced around between 280and 305 pounds. Even though I didn’t join weight watchers or any such group, there were some times when I was able to lose the same 20 pounds over and over again. This inability to permanently lose weight frustrated me further.
I sank further and further into myself. My circle of friends, already tiny, shrank more until I only had two people whom I called close friends. Size 20, 22, 24, 26 and 28 clothing was outgrown until the only clothes that really fit me where ones I made for myself. I felt like an outsider in the world.
On that fateful day, when I turned my life around, the first thing I needed to do was poke a breathing hole in my fat suit. It wasn’t an easy thing to do. It was a little scary. I had to poke around and find a piece of myself among the layers of fat.
Somewhere in there I found enough space to begin. I had a glimmer of hope and confidence for the first time in 10 years. The unwrapping process had begun.
Day after day I found myself uncovering forgotten willpower, lost self esteem, and hidden abilities. With each reclaimed ability my fat suit got a little less puffy. Even before I had lost all 150 pounds, I was able to reveal more and more of myself. I learned that even when I was all covered in fat I was the same Diane I had always been. It was a bittersweet lesson to learn, because I grieved for the missed opportunities. Part of the uncovering process was accepting what I had missed, and promising myself to miss no more.
Wherever you are in your journey, I’d encourage you to believe in yourself. Don’t allow your outward appearance to dictate how you present yourself to the world. Even as you are travelling along your own path, work hard on rediscovering parts of yourself that you may have been hiding. Diane
Really good post. You touched on the “missed opportunities”
are you still there – in the “woulda/shoulda/coulda’s” – or have you moved on from them?
vickie´s last blog ..Pay it forward – or is it pay it backwards – either way, it works
Vickie – After I lost all the weight I did spend some time in the land of “I wish. . .” Fortunately though, I didn’t stay there for long.
I realized that although I could mourn for what I had missed, it wasn’t healthy to dwell on it. So I really did make a conscious effort to think about all the things that I had to look forward to in my life rather than bemoan all the mistakes I had made.
This probably could make a good blog post topic in the furture!
Woulda/shoulda/couldas would make a GREAT posting.
vickie´s last blog ..Pay it forward – or is it pay it backwards – either way, it works
I agree, great post, one I can relate to. All we can do is keep moving forward and doing our best each day.
Amy´s last blog ..New Week, New Program, New Motivation!
I can understand this post, and I especially like the title of it, because that’s exactly how I feel in a lot of ways. But thanks to a lot of hard work, I am starting to feel like something has changed and I’m loosening myself.
I read Vickie’s comment and was also wondering if you still feel the missed opportunities. so strongly anymre. Thanks for sharing from your heart.
Even though I’m not there yet, I could have written this post. It is true because I did feel TRAPPED and unable to move. Through lots of work I have let go of a lot, but still have a lot to go. Moving forward and seeing the real me revealed is so freeing.
@Amy – Yes, moving forward really is the best thing to do. For a long time that was the hardest part – getting started, and then keeping the forward momentum.
@Monica – I’m so proud of you for making positive changes in your life. Great job!
@Sara N. – I love where you say that seeing the real you is freeing and rewarding. It’s important to start to get back in touch with who we really are, because it’s so easy to lose it.
Wow, Diane, you have a great way of taking shared experiences and making me look more closely at them with the goal of not repeating them. I had not regained a lot of weight this time but it was enough to bury “me.” As those layers have peeled off I wonder how in the world I got to that mental state of withdrawal and how do I prevent it from happening again.
With love and appreciation!
Cindy
I totally know what you mean. I am 5′6 130 lbs and I feel trapped with myself. I feel i should loose like 10 lbs in order to feel good about myself.
if i overeat or have 1 week not working out like last week because of a heel injury, it makes me feel bad about myself.
So now i decided that i should try to get to 120 and see if i am happier. “I hope i can”
I love reading your blogs, thank you for sharing your experience with us.
Regards,
xoxo
Ness – I can’t tell you what to do, but I just wanted to encourage you to really think about why you would want to lose that extra 10 pounds. At 5′6″ tall, 130 pounds is a really healthy weight, and I bet you look terrific! One thing I found was that feeling good about myself wasn’t all about weight. Take care – Diane
Hi Diane,
Yes maybe you are right, but i always feel so guilty when i eat something bad. I love food and i always think what i want to eat and put into my body but still not happy with my figure. Nothing in precise bother me about myself…it is just self confidence i guess.
I hope someday i will really find what i need to do to love myself, my figure and enjoy food.
Ness – You will find what you need to do to love yourself within you. It’s already there. I understand about the guilt over bad food choices. I make bad food choices sometimes, and I do feel bad for a minute or two. But then I remind myself that all is not lost, and I can make a better choice the next time.
Loving and appreciating your figure/body is more than just about what you weigh isn’t it? I know that I have many flaws as a consequence of my years of morbid obesity, and learning to love the body I have as best I can was an important part of the process for me.
I so appreciate your honesty. I would wager a guess that your feelings speak to many people reading this today.
I would love a post about how you ‘found’ yourself in your thinness. I think that people freak out when they lose the weight and fill into their fat suit again. How did you start to recognise yourself?
~M
Extra weight really affects all aspects of your life. I even remember laying in bed at night and being really aware that I was not comfortable in my own skin. And it certainly changed the way I interacted with the world. I didn’t feel like myself, and I didn’t act like myself…
I agree with you, it’s so important to believe in yourself and to change how you interact with the world throughout the journey. You are always there, no matter what weight you are!
“Day after day I found myself uncovering forgotten willpower, lost self esteem, and hidden abilities.”
I know how this feels. I’m there right now, not because of weight gain but a job loss. Not having a job when you need one can do a number on the ole feeling of self worth. When I have too much time on my hands I can sink into the depths of negativity in no time flat. So my key is to stay busy.
Exercise, proper nutrition, and social support are my keys to keeping positive.
Another though provoking post. Thank you!
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Great post, and wise words. I sometimes find myself thinking about all the time it took for me to finally lose weight. How many things I could have done in 10 years. But anyway, that time won’t come back, and I had many good things happen to me during that time too.
Diane, I love the whole post & especially at the end: “I learned that even when I was all covered in fat I was the same Diane I had always been. It was a bittersweet lesson to learn, because I grieved for the missed opportunities. Part of the uncovering process was accepting what I had missed, and promising myself to miss no more. Wherever you are in your journey, I’d encourage you to believe in yourself. Don’t allow your outward appearance to dictate how you present yourself to the world. Even as you are travelling along your own path, work hard on rediscovering parts of yourself that you may have been hiding.”
This is still a hard lesson for me… although I was kind of a different person after I lost weight because I felt different.. and yet I was the same in some ways too. I still hide out at times when I don’t like what I see so I still have lessons to be learned!
You write great posts!
Wow. That is exactly where I am right now, to the T. It helps to know there is a way out, I’d just like to find it already.
Robin´s last blog ..C’mon Universe!
Oh, how I relate to this post. My weight topped off at 298 — size 26 clothes.
Something clicked in January 2009 and I’ve not looked back sonce.
Now, I’m at 239 (or less, maybe, I weigh-in in an hour!) and I’m wearing 16 clothes.
Bravo and kudos to you for finding yourself!
GeorgiaMist´s last blog ..Treadmill!
As soon as I read the first line I said, “Yes.”
Thankfully I haven’t gotten so heavy that I stopped doing things with my family as far as outings go. I may have been exhausted, but I usually gave it a go. However, the larger I got the more I would see pictures with “fat” me in them and think, “That’s not me.”.
I’ve always felt I had no discipline and yet as I “unwrap the layers” I realize I do and I’m learning to appreciate new things I’m capable of with each pound that comes off.
Thank you for this introspective and honest post. You are such an encouragement!
Leah´s last blog ..20 lbs = Hope
Beautiful post! I didn’t realize how cut off I was from…well, from LIFE, until I lost the weight. Now,nothing is off limits. Okay, a bikini isn’t anywhere in my future, but that wasn’t a goal anyway.
Cammy@TippyToeDiet´s last blog ..Makeover Monday: Use This, Not That
Diane , I love reading your posts ! They give a lot of food for thought on the journey !
I approach this from a totally different perspective it seems. I have been overweight my entire life, and the only thing it stopped me from doing is getting pregnant. However, there is something else that stops me in my tracks, and at times in the past it has played into my own weight loss. I have a large port wine birthmark on my forehead that cannot be removed surgically, and until recently make up options were at best terrible. There have been times that I look in the mirror and ask myself what difference my weight will make when I will still be “blessed” with this no matter what the scale says. It is not often, but when it happens it is crippling.Shortly after we began our weight loss journey I experienced one of those moments. Because this time it is not just my own well being at stake, but being an inspiration and role model for my son, I investigated some different make up options and found a way to cover it up. It was powerful – I was able to tell the only thing that could detract me from my efforts that it did not matter , and I was in charge ! It is very similar to your revelation that no matter what the exterior says, the interior is what really counts. I think if we each could find one small thing that reminds us of who we really are under the physical package , and that is a wonderful person, it can add momentum to our efforts and help to turn our worlds around ! And i do not wear the make up most times- just the knowledge that i can change this stumbling block is the wind beneath my wings !
Diane´s last blog ..In praise of exercise
Wow, another beautiful post.
Jo´s last blog ..Monday Morning Weigh In
[...] need to go anywhere!), I started catching up on some blogs. As I was reading, I came across this post by Diane at Fit To the Finish and something in these words just touched [...]
Great post! Thank you so much for sharing your journey!
tj´s last blog .."Over the Top" award!
Poking a breathing hole through your fat suit – that really hit home as it’s so hard not to lose yourself in all the disappointment you feel about your situation. Well written, as always.
Gigi´s last blog ..Back With The Program
For the first time in years, I feel like “myself” again. My old self…the one that had been hidden behind all the fat. And it feels so good. I’m so glad I’m making myself a priority.
Lola´s last blog ..Assignments
trapped – I sometimes feel like I’m in someone elses body – where did mine go?
my kashi diet´s last blog ..a little caloric meltdown
Hi Diane. I have felt very trapped in my fat suit esp as my agoraphobia is much worse when I’m this size. So I am trapped indoors as well. And this stops me from exercising and being able to get to the supermarket to buy healthy food so it goes on and on.
I love your idea of poking a breathing hole in the fat suit. I feel that I’ve managed to do this now. I’m just looking at expanding the breathing hole day by day.
Thanks for another wonderful post.
Bearfriend xx
Bearfriend´s last blog ..Doing OK
I didn’t realize how much i had lost myself until AFTER I started my journey. I knew I was unhappy and slightly miserable before my journey, but I thought it was for different reasons than what i found once I started. My misery turned out to be losing ME. Nothing else. It was losing who I was, and really, who i am. I dind’t realize it was because of the layers of fat and block walls i’d put up because of the weight. I’m still trying to find her, still working on getting ME back. But it’s certainly making for an interesting journey and it’s almost like meeting and getting to know an old friend. Thank you for reminding me to keep doing this. I’ve kinda forgotten part of the point of my journey since getting pregnant during my search and weight loss; is finding ME, the REAL me.:)
Jules´s last blog ..Benefits of being poor
You are such an inspiration. The ‘missed opportunities’ hit me – I’ve never admitted this, but I know I passed up on many, many beach/lake/tubing/pool trips because I wasn’t comfortable in my body, didn’t want to be judged, knew I wasn’t “perfect” and I wasn’t okay with that or with putting it out there. Even now, I’m certainly not perfect, but I refuse to miss a trip because i’m not “perfect” – that’s just not okay with me.
fittingbackin´s last blog ..How I Plan Meals: 8 Steps
Michelle said:
“I would love a post about how you ‘found’ yourself in your thinness. I think that people freak out when they lose the weight and fill into their fat suit again. How did you start to recognise yourself?”
Someone once told me that the freak out factor is very different for people that have seen themselves as fat for their whole lives and those that gained weight for a part of (but not their whole) life. No matter how much that weight is – it is more the length of the perception.
I agree – makings for a REALLY good post.
vickie´s last blog ..Pay it forward – or is it pay it backwards – either way, it works
you kill me! your posts are so reflective of whats going on in my mind, that i just want to give you a hug and have a good long cry.
The friends part is just so so true. the more my weight increased, the smaller my circle of friends became. and not bec my friends had a problem with my weight, its just that i started isolating myself, making excuses not to meet or to hang out….
now i am down to just one friend who i met regularly.and she recently got married and moved to another country. oh! i have friends that i chat with over the phone/net. but its not the same as hanging out/shopping together/having lunch/ ….. just meeting each other in person. when did i turn into such a recluse? .. i didn’t even realise
This is really interesting, Diane! I guess it’s been so long since I accepted what I was given, and directed my focus to work with that, rather than what I wasn’t. I always liked the Cat Stevens song with the line, “My body’s been a good friend..” Once I made friends with it, we went places!
Thank you for this post Diane. I am quite a bit away from my highest weight, but sometimes still need that reminder to be kind to myself and have the vision to move forward.
Kat´s last blog ..Honest Scrap and Hot 100 update
I found your blog through aforty-somethingweightlossjourney. Great post. Insightful. Really made me think. I can’t get over how much weight you’ve lost.
Paula´s last blog ..Retail Therapy
Wonderful post Diane. Very inspiring. I relate a lot to Ness. I am at a “thin” weight for *my* history and still feel like I need to lose ten more to get to a more comfortable spot. I go between accepting that my current weight has been maintainable and I should just “live and let live” and feeling I am not trying to lose “those last ten” hard enough. Since I have been maintaining well for some time, I am going to attempt to get those last ten by Christmas. If it doesn’t happen, I at least knew I gave it a shot and focus on maintenance …
Beautiful, heartfelt post. Even tho I never got close to 300 lbs I can certainly relate to how that fat suit is actually a prison I built myself.
DownsizingDoc´s last blog ..Monday Update
When I first gained weight I hid behind my fat, but as the years passed I realized that I had to make the best of the situation. I made sure to dress well, wear make-up and jewelry and look my best at all times. I may be fat, but I’m well-groomed. It makes a huge difference. Yet, I know that I’m not the same Hanlie from 15 years ago… Time will tell if I ever get my confidence back.