There’s a story I told on the interview I did with Sean Anderson. He asked me about the reactions from other people to my extreme weight loss. I shared some things with him, and then told him about the husband of a friend of mine. I met her when I was already a size 28. Whenever I visited her or saw her in the halls at church she was extremely nice and friendly. But her husband? Never spoke to me. Never looked at me. Barely acknowledged I was standing there. And that must have been hard to do since I weighed more than he and his wife put together! But he managed it.
I tried to chalked it up to his inept social abilities, but secretly I wondered if his lack of friendliness was because of my weight. After all, I saw him talking to other people all the time, and his business as a professional required him to interact with people on a regular basis. And he was good at business – they were affluent. So I guess I really did think his attitude was about my weight.
As I lost more and more weight I experienced many great reactions to my success. Exclamations of surprise, questions that wore me out, and congratulations from every corner. But one reaction I’d rather not have received was from this guy.
An elderly gentlemen in our church passed away and John and I agreed to meet at the church for the funeral. (At this point I had lost about 90% of my weight.) I got out of the car and started walking up to the main entrance of the church. Disembarking from his car was this guy. Our paths crossed and the following happened:
He took some quick steps over to me, threw his arm around my shoulder, and said, “Diane – so great to see you. Where’s John? How are the kids? So sad about Mr. “X” passing away isn’t it?” I remember stepping away from his unwanted “hug” and automatically answering his questions. All the while my mind was whirring. “DON’T TALK TO ME NOW.” He and I walked into the church together – he rattling words out of his mouth a mile a minute and me fuming. Who did he think he was? Why was I now worthy of his attention?
I’m embarrassed to say that I wasn’t in a “funeral” frame of mind during the service. Instead all I could think about was his reaction. And I got madder and madder. I wanted to jump out of my seat and go ask him why he barely spoke to me when I was fat, but now that I was an average sized woman he was willing to grace me with his presence? But I didn’t. I sat there and tried to focus on the pastor’s words.
Has this ever happened to you? Are there people in your life who you feel judge you for your appearance, or avoid you? If so, I’m sorry. I know how that feels and it’s not fun.
It’s as if that guy, and others like him, ignore the overweight people of the world in favor of the “pretties.” And that’s wrong.
I often felt overlooked as an obese woman. I felt as though there were people, like him, who judged me based on my outward appearance, found me lacking, and moved on. I want to encourage you to not let those kinds of people get you down or make you angry. Why not? Because they are just not worth your emotional energy. Focus instead on those people in your life who you can help, who love you, and who appreciate you and others for who you are inside, not what you look like on the outside. Diane
If you enjoyed this post, make sure you subscribe to my RSS feed!
I have been on the receiving end of this as well, and it used to hurt me, but I’ve since realized that these are very insecure people and as you say, I don’t waste my emotional energy on them. I’m not the issue, they are!
Hanlie´s last blog ..The courage to live
Ugh. This story gives me a pain in my gut. The nerve of some people!
and, alas, the outward appearance judging and moving on doesnt end there huh?
Its why it became so important for me to me OK WITH ME—as no matter what I looked like there would/will always be people who judge and move on.
Miz´s last blog ..Roller Derby Workout (video/giveaway post).
What a horrible experience for you and i can so understand why you felt the way you did.
My experience.
I noticed I got less attention when overweight compared to when I was bigger…and I hated it, I hated the fact I was no longer getting a look…
Then I lost the weight I gained and I noticed that women treated me differently…women who used to chat to me – STOPPED…gave me the cold shoulder..
Only very close girlfriends are happy for me…
I’m not looking forward to Heinz’s work Xmas party this year as the last function we had together no one spoke to me but starred…I told Heinz I dont want to go this year as all my friends I used to rely on ( who spoke English and not Germany ) have all left…so its me all alone.
Marcelle´s last blog ..Cheese Cake
did you ever ‘call’ him on this?
I realize that at the time – he totally took you by surprise – but did it ever come up later? And did you ever say anything to his wife about this?
I do have a confession. There is a lady that I have avoided since I have lost.
I lost all mine – she originally lost all hers and then regained it all + some more of its friends. I have seen her from a distance several times. And gone the other way. Because I know from the past that someone else’s weight loss (and then holding that loss) REALLY bothers HER.
And because I know this – I simply save her the difficulty of having to deal with ME.
If it were the type of thing where she SAW me – I absdolutely would go say hi – but so far – I have seen her before she saw me – and just turned around. (If you are wondering – it is not hard to me to spot a 300+ lb person from a distance – and because I have changed SO much – I have to get right up next to people and have them hear my voice – before they usually recognize me. So this is not as tricky as you might first think.)
She has lost and regained 150+ lbs 3 or 4 times in the years I have known her. She gets ALL the way to the end/done/goal and then regains it ALL.
It is extremely painful to her. It is very painful to watch.
As you wrote, and I read, I thought about the fact that people probably think the same thing about ME – only in reverse.
Because NOW – I do not talk to as many people as I did then.
I was over the top at my heaviest – simply because I wasn’t on meds at my heaviest. For me – there was a direct correlation.
I did too much and was too much. My meds help EVEN me out. (And I think are a big part of why I maintain – fairly easily).
And now I am much more reserved. so it has something to do with the fact that I am now very thin – but not in the way that people might think at first glance.
vickie´s last blog ..Dodged the Bullet
I can so relate to this post, and most all of your posts! I fall into the trap of thinking it’s me when I know it’s really not in my head. It’s them and their problem.
Thanks for sharing Diane.
This almost exactly the same thing happened to me but with heaviest weight. When I saw a friend (who did know who I was) she almost killed herself ignoring me. It made me so mad. I really had to dig deep inside myself to realise that I am still a good person just not good enough health wise and that’s why I’m loosing weight and getting healthy.
Your posts just resonate with me.
Being about 40 lbs overweight (now 20 over) and tall I managed to hide my weight fairly well and was never the recipient of such horrible treatment. I can tell you though, from reading so many blogs of overweight and obese people, I have a new understanding. I don’t think I ever consciously treated somebody differently. People are overweight or obese for so many reasons, it certainly isn’t my place to judge. Treat others as you wish to be treated.
Amy H.´s last blog ..Weight Loss in the 60’s
Diane, there is no denying that this happens every single day. I have seen it, and I have experienced it. If people only knew how their reactions affected others . . .
South Beach Steve´s last blog ..You Can’t Afford to be Skinny!
I am so sorry that you had to go through that. People can be so ugly.
Joanna Sutter´s last blog ..Will Run for T-shirts
I experienced that a lot when I lost my 110 pounds, and when I gained a lot back , they treated me s an invisible person. It never bothered me , for it showed their true colors. As the joke goes, I may be fat , but I can lose weight and you will still remain ignorant.It simply serves to illustrate who is a real friend in your life and those who need to evolve, which is a much more difficult thing than losing weight !
Diane´s last blog ..Aw, nuts !
Diane, I love this last sentence: Focus instead on those people in your life who you can help, who love you, and who appreciate you and others for who you are inside, not what you look like on the outside.
Unfortunately, people do judge us on appearance & it stinks. Even when fit, I have had situations where I was somewhere & I very attractive woman would get attention at a store first in terms of service.. things like that. I also had my share of UGH times when I was heavy.
It is hard to get over this & that emotional baggage my your message is a good one. Go tot those that appreciate you for you. I just wish the world were different because it does make a difference in the business world & other areas unfortunately
Jody – Fit at almost 52´s last blog ..Is Saturated Fat Bad for You? Plus Giveaway!
I find it so difficult to let those things go
I know that I shouldn’t waste my energy on people who make angry, but It’s so difficult to put it behind me
I think I shunned and ignored myself more than anyone ever shunned or ignored me. I’ve had nothing but positive comments on my weight loss. I have been very lucky, very blessed.
GeorgiaMist´s last blog ..*99*
Worst of all, how about when it’s your own HUSBAND?! (at the time; I since drop-kicked him to the curb over this.) Yes, he told me over and over that not only did I need to lose weight (what point of “you can bring a horse to water but you can’t make her drink” did he not get??)…but that if I didn’t lose weight, he couldn’t promise he’d stay faithful. That “time was running out” (we were late 40’s, for goodness sake!) and he wanted “our last, good years” left to be with me looking sexy and having fun/enjoying them (sexually) to the fullest. He didn’t want to “waste” his “last, good years.” And sure enough, he DID have an affair and admitted it to me on our anniversary weekend in Vegas, and then begged for my forgiveness. Well, eff him! That was the beginning of the end. And this was the 2nd time I had married him! It still ticks me off. I hope he’s eating crow, now that I’m thinner than I was when I “wasn’t good enough” (looking) for him. Eff him. Eff him right in the ear. Now, he’s had 9 self-admitted miserable years without me. I hope he effed over his OWN “last, good years.” Ex, meet Karma. She can be a witch.
Sunny´s last blog ..It’s Official!!!
I haven’t had this happen, but my husband has – he works security in two different locations during the week, and he has noticed that since dropping 72 pounds, employees in both buildings have gone from looking in the other direction when he approaches, to looking him dead in the face and speaking to him nearly daily.
Its sad and ridiculous and makes me mad, too.
Pam´s last blog ..But How Can You?
I always felt invisible when I was larger, and was often treated that way. I never had it quite as blatant as your church friend’s husband. I’d like to think that I would have said “You know, Mr. Asshat, you’ve never spoken to me in the xx years that I’ve known you, what makes you think I want you to talk to me now?”, but I may not have had the nerve. I’ve called a few people out on stuff like that, mostly ex-boyfriends who claim no fat prejudice, which usually means that they like women who are slightly chubby, though not obese.
I’ve been lucky, I guess, in that I don’t have friends who avoid me now, though maybe it’s more to the fact that I have few long-term women friends. It’s also a sore subject with me, and I call people out on all sorts of fat prejudice/hatred. Most people I know these days didn’t know me very large, and some think it’s okay to say hateful nasty things, and I don’t allow it. If it’s too hard to not talk that way around me, then they can avoid me, and good riddance. The ones that really surprise me are the ones who knew me then, still think it’s okay to sneer/joke about fat people. Uh, hello? I confront, rip them a new one.
I preferred invisible to being actively sneered at.
julie´s last blog ..I don’t belong
Oh my yes. Even in college, there were the guys that would only talk to you if you happened to be looking good. One of the traits I didn’t fail to notice about my husband was that he was pleasant to the plain girls as well as the hotties. That’s what fascinates me about the blog world. You can be any size, age, race, or physical type, and nobody will be able to prejudge you unless you choose to share a photo. Someone can be funny and complicated and wicked bright, but the outside gets stamped with this bland-big-person label. As people lose weight, they are perceived as more competent or interesting or what have you. But the essentials haven’t really changed.
Larkspur´s last blog ..Demotivational Poster
I’ve experienced something similar, but on the other side of the spectrum. Even 20 lbs heavier, working at Starbucks, there was one customer who refused to talk and socialize with me. She would go on and on about her life and struggles to one of my more overweight coworkers. I always got the sense she ignored me because I “didn’t get it.” I got the feeling that she thought I wouldn’t understand because my life was easier, being a “thinner” person. What she didn’t realize, is that I had all the same insecurities and fears as her, and understood every word she spoke.
Susan´s last blog ..The Christmas Issue…
I just don’t know, Diane. A good friend of mine, a psychotherapist, taught me the saying, “Take what they give you and call it cooperation.” You are probably different than me, but not being a mind reader, I often misunderstand people, so I remind myself not to see others as so critical, as it’s a fault of mine.
Having the experience of going from thin/average to obese, honestly most of my friends never treated me any differently—they’re good people I guess! Mainly guys who I wasn’t that friendly with in the first place seemed to start treating me as though I didn’t really exist.
I’m interested to see how things go as I lose this weight now. I currently work with people who never knew the thinner me, so it’s a bit of a social experiment in the making.
Hilary´s last blog ..What Weight Loss Can and Can’t Do
I think you have the right mind frame for dealing with people like that. I only had one person treat me like this and I don’t bother giving them the time of day either. I simply say ‘hello’ and ‘good-bye’.
brenda´s last blog ..Tag Tuesday Challenge
although overweight, i was never grossly overweight to experience the ignorance.
i notice now that I am losing weight, reaching a normal weight, a lot of acquaintances and friends feel threatened.
constantly telling me not to lose anymore or why would i want to lose so much more. when really, my weight loss has nothing t do with them.
i think its the fear of them not being the thinnest that makes them become “ugly” and i understand that. i’ve been there, resentful of other’s loss but it wasn’t about them, it was about my own lack of commitment to myself.
thanks for sharing!
Rebecca @ Durch Dick und Duenn´s last blog ..Weigh-In #18
The first Christmas after losing, I went into Nordstrom and received a higher level of service, instead of being ignored. I remember when it hit me and I had to sit down and comprehend that as a fat girl, I did not receive the same type of service.
On the other hand, as a smaller sized girl, I am no loner invited to attend some activites with a group of ladies at church. That hurts just as much. I really wish as a whole, that we would focus on what’s on the inside and not so much the outside, that sadly, does not happen enough.
Wow, what a horrible experience. I haven’t lost the weight to see how different people’s reactions are, but I have been paying attention to how they react to me now and in the past. I know who was there for me regardless of size and I know who ignored my very existence. It’s sad, really, that so many people can’t see past someone’s exterior…the jewel is always found within.
Josie´s last blog ..Hot 100 Update and Week 6 Picture
I know a few men who claim they don’t care about size, but when it comes down to it they really do. I was in a drama group at our church about 10 years ago and was usually cast as a grandma or something frumpy. I knew it was because of my weight. At approximately 22 years old it wasn’t that I had an “elderly” face, but my body could imitate a happy, baking ideal of a grandmother very easily.
I have never been at my goal weight, but back then I was also trying to lose weight and I told my friend that if this drama leader asked me to be a skinny, young woman-type character after I reached my goal I was going to confront him about why I couldn’t play those parts before.
Anyway, that’s about my only real run-in with people treating me different for my weight. I never let it depress me, because I saw how shallow it really was of this particular man.
Honestly, I’ve never understood why people get vexed when they get more attention as they lose weight, but I’ll have to think more about it as I get to my goal. As I said before, I’ve never been there, so I really can’t relate to that yet. It will be interesting to see what happens in the future.
Leah´s last blog ..I Choose To Win
Yes, I’ve had experiences of not just feeling invisible but being invisible. I’ve yo-yo’ed and do notice a difference.
But, I’d like to add something as a “devil’s advocate” or as the other side of the coin perspective: People often react to our confidence levels and how we carry ourselves, smile, etc.
The prejudice is out there and is real, I don’t mean to minimize that. Our presentation of ourselves, any size, could make an impact, too.
Gina Fit by 41, Maybe 42´s last blog ..Oink, Oink
Oh Lord, has it! I work with this guy who used to be one of our vendors, but who is now a salesperson for our company. I’ve known him for 11 years — in other words, through 9 years of obesity. He is a pig — I’ll just leave it at that — but the first time he saw me 170 pounds lighter, he was falling all over himself to compliment me and just generally “be in my orbit.” He would ensure that he walked into my office AT LEAST once per day, just to be sure he could be in the presence of “the pretty girl.” It was so transparent, I couldn’t stand it. I was like, “Look, buddy, you’re short, bald and old. What makes you think I give a whit about your attention, now that I’m thin?”
But, I didn’t say that.
I just decided to use my newfound “fame” to my advantage. I don’t want to sound like I’m wielding a weapon, but that’s basically what beauty is. It’s a double-edged sword. Yes, it’s true that I ACT differently, now that I’m thin, and I probably don’t throw mental daggers at people anymore (which I’m sure I did in my “before” life), but the truth of the matter is, people are drawn to attractive people, so if I know that, I should claim the advantage.
What was that study that was done in the 60’s and again in the 80’s, where they watched children around fat people and people in wheelchairs? The vast majority of children were more comfortable being around the people in wheelchairs than those who were obese. They were actually drawn to the disabled people, and repelled from the fat people.
So, there is truth to what I’m saying (as uncomfortable as it may be.)
Anyway, like I said, I use the advantage to my benefit, to keep him in line and get what I want. I don’t abuse my “power” — but it’s nice to be in control of the exchange for once!
I guess what I’m ineptly trying to say is, I don’t mind being the “pretty girl” that people need to talk to or be seen with. If that makes them feel better about themselves for that moment, how does that diminish my self worth? Answer: It doesn’t.
I’m not looking for a meaningful relationship with these people (I’ve already got a cute hubby for that) — but it sure is nice to have the door held open for me, or get the tip of a hat or blow of a kiss (as happened at the Breeders’ Cup this past weekend) from a man. What the heck! It’s a whole lot better than being invisible — or worse — being reviled — even if much of that was due to my own lack of confidence.
Cari (aka Gastric Bypass Barbie)´s last blog ..Shoes, Glorious Shoes.
That kind of judgment is so sickening, isn’t it? And it makes it harder, later on, to trust people. I have to work hard to not wonder “would they like me if I were still __ way?”
Sagan´s last blog ..Book Review: “Women’s Home Workout Bible” by Brad Schoenfeld
I think it is so important to surround ourselves with people who like and appreciate us for who we are. And there are some people who are not worth our energy (but it is very hard to not be affected by others’ actions even if we know we shouldn’t let them affect us).
Honestly, it’s only to be expected that thinner, attractive people receive more attention and better service in clothing stores. Salespeople get their commission per sale, they are not there to be friends with customers, and thin people spend much more money on clothing than fat people. Why waste time and energy on people who are less likely to get you paid?
I know that I spend much more money on clothing now, compared to when I was overweight. Most of recent purchases were out of sheer necessity, I’ve been overweight in my whole adult life except for one summer so I don’t own a single piece of smaller warm clothing to get back into. But I don’t deny that I buy more clothes because clothes are now FUN, for a change. So I really can’t blame the salespeople for treating me invisible in the past. Life is unfair like that.
Oh gosh, I haven’t had this happen per se, but I hate how I can be invisible because of my weight.
MackAttack´s last blog ..full fat
I have experienced the same thing, both up and down the scale. It drives me crazy. I may not stay angry at someone, but I’m sure not going to let them into my life – if they don’t like me when I’m fat because I’m fat, the hell with them when I’m not fat. I know who the people are who love me.
oh my gosh the nerve of some people, however you’ve GOTTA realize this is his insecurity here… it has nothing to do with you
my kashi diet´s last blog ..muscles and milestones
Years ago when gas stations still came out and pumped the gas for you I was quite heavy and I remember the guy LOOKING at me while I waited and finally filled my own tank up and went in and wrote a check- fuming the whole time.
Some time later I had lost over 75 pounds- went to the same gas station and there were two guys literally running to see who could get out there first to help me (I am sure they did not recongnze me- it was in a different town). Astounding.
I am heavy again alas, but your posts are wonderful and give me hope every day I can do it one more time!
“Not worthy of my emotional energy” — LOVE that. As I’ve gotten thinner and thinner I have noticed that the guys at work are friendlier and friendlier. And it makes me MAD.
Lola´s last blog ..Visualizing