What does it say when we just quit? I was at a yard sale the other day when I overheard this conversation:
Home Owner speaking to customer: “Isn’t that a beautiful dress? I bought it hoping that I’d lose enough weight to fit into it but I never did so now I’m going to sell it.”
Customer: “You should hang onto it.”
Home Owner: “No, I’ve given up hope of losing any weight. I’m just destined to be fat.”
It took some willpower for me to not butt myself into this conversation. But since I’m not a confrontational person by nature, I walked back to the van with my daughters, all the while thinking about the conversation I had just overheard.
The home owner was young, attractive and wasn’t severely overweight. The dress she was selling was a normal size – not a size 2. The whole conversation made me a little bit sad for her. What does it say about her that she had given up? And does it say anything about society in general?
Society/Media says:
- size is all that matters
- thin is in
- be dissatisfied with your appearance
- you are not good enough
- it’s all too hard
- there are easy ways out
- nothing really works
- it’s okay to quit
I’m sure that this woman had tried to lose weight before. I know this because at her sale I saw several exercise DVD’s, many diet books, and an old exercise bike. She had the desire to lose weight but had given up. Why?
I had given up many many times. I understand how this young woman felt because I used to be her. I believed the societal messages that proclaimed the fact that unless you were a size 2 you weren’t thin enough. Why should I try to lose weight knowing that I’d never reach the ideal media induced size? Why should I exercise when I’d never run a marathon? And why should I strive to improve my health when no matter how hard I tried I’d never get where everyone else said I should be.
Everytime I dieted and failed I started to believe that since I hadn’t gotten down to a “media perfect” size four, but rather a size 24 then I should just quit. If I couldn’t go all the way, I might as well stay the way I was. I was wrong. Even losing a bit of weight was better for me than losing no weight or gaining weight. Losing 10% of my body weight was an accomplishment I should have been proud of rather than depressed over. (For example when I went from 290 to 260 I got depressed at my slow progress and quit trying. I then gained all my lost weight back plus more.)
I wonder if that young woman had fallen prey to the all or nothing mentality. Either you lose all the way down or you quit trying. Have you ever fallen prey to that notion before? Are you an all or nothing kind of person? Diane
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Yes! That has been a huge part of this journey for me… knowing that I can not make this all or nothing! Finally understanding the difference between dieting and creating a sustainable lifestyle has really helped with this! Dieting has always failed for me; but I can’t fail at a lifestyle. Simple, but it eluded me for so, so long!
266´s last blog ..I Will Sail My Vessel
Excellent thoughts here, Diane. Especially at the end when you ask the question, “are you an all or nothing kind of person?” I have lived so much of my life at either of those extremes – all or nothing – finding prudent middle ground elusive. All or nothing thinking is at the core of my eating issues…so often I do well until I have a bite, or a piece of something not “on plan”. One taste or small helping in itself could never undermine an otherwise clean eating day with good healthy choices. But my mind will tell me I’ve already blown it, so just go at for the rest of the day and get back on track tomorrow.
This mindset is one of the things I’m working hardest at to dispel. All or nothing behavior leaves no space for sanity and peace with food. Letting one bite open the floodgates to bingeing for the rest of the day is really a poorly veiled excuse to not sit in the uncertainty and temporary discomfort of wanting more, but deciding to not have more. Whew! Did that make any sense? Thanks as always.
Leslie Erickson´s last blog ..A binge unfolds
wow.
its amazing what self-bashing is all around us every day huh?
when I used to write full time and would work at a coffee place the things Id head women say about themselves were heartbreaking.
Miz´s last blog ..MizFit Exposed.
I thought ‘victim stance’ and ’self sabotage’ as I was reading. And a little of ‘poor me’.
And I thought about the fact that so many people don’t actually know HOW to lose weight. They do not understand – move from ‘diet plan’ to ‘diet plan’. The word ‘diet’ just makes my skin crawl.
There is something so vital about self empowerment. There is something so vital about feeding a body healthy foods. There is something so vital about taking care of ourselves as if we mattered. Putting ourselves IN the equation. Taking care of ourselves first, so that we may better take care of our families.
And I also thought about what we expose ourselves (TO). I watch/read very little of this type of thing. Do not follow the meda stars. Watch things from a health viewpoint, not a tiny size viewpoint.
And it sort of cracks me up in a weird kind of way to think that people are pressured to be a tiny size. Because if you stand and watch at the DMV or the grocery store or the mall – there are not a lot of thin/healthy people.
And I do not automatically lump those two together. Just because someone is thin – I do not assume that they are healthy.
vickie´s last blog ..If you want to see me at my goal weight – be on my front porch at 10am sharp – because at 10:10am I will start my way back up the scale
that was MEGA stars.
vickie´s last blog ..If you want to see me at my goal weight – be on my front porch at 10am sharp – because at 10:10am I will start my way back up the scale
All or nothing pretty much sucks. I find a happy medium and start enjoying myself along the way. I don’t stay miserable until I reach the “all” part. Still so much to be happy about in the now that I am in.
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I can understand the mentality as I had pretty much gotten there over the summer with a fall on top of healing rotator cuffs that put me on the sidelines yet again. Some of the medications today are just murder for weight gain. I gave away some of my nicer not so old smaller clothes to a neighbor. But that actually seemed to turn in my favor as not long after I began to heal and be able to be active again.
I’m a former Weight Watchers leader and know for sure that people really know very little about nutrition and healthy eating and what it takes to lose weight. I am planning to print out some SPARKPEOPLE.COM business cards to give out when the opportunity presents itself!
I am 100% an all of nothing woman. It’s so hard for me to say that it’s okay not to get where I think I should be but rather to be okay with where I am or just getting to a healthier spot.
I think this may be one of the most important things I’ve read in a long, long time.
This is such a common problem. I know for me I have to fight this in so many areas of my life. My work I’m this and my health I’m this. I know I need to find a middle ground where I can feel successful and then be successful.
I think another big factor at play here is the idea that if you do __, then__ will always happen. Weight loss is NOT a smooth, predictable course of action that can be done in a specific time frame. You may desire to lose — amount of pounds by– date, but it rarely happens in that way. The human body is a funny thing and it has it’s own wisdom in regards to the speed in which we lose OR gain weight.Because of this, millions of people begin a Diet on January 1, do not see losses like The Biggest Loser of achieve some impossible self imposed goal, try one more week and still nor see it, then quit because they believe they are failures. And then you have yet another person who believes they are a trapped failure who can do nothing to change their life in the most fundamental way. That is perhaps the saddest part of all of this.
Diane´s last blog ..Thoughts
I do have an all or nothing mentality, which explains a lot of failed diets! However, I’ve been working on changing that attitude over the past few years and while I do drift back to it, I’m finding that thinking I can start my day over anytime has really helped me to not throw everything out the window at the first screw up.
Shelley B´s last blog ..I’ve Written This Post In My Head Many Times…
Great post!
Staci´s last blog ..Monday… Feeling Uninspired
I’m an all or nothing person…is that a bad thing??
I am now trying to find the balance with having reached my goal weight but find I am still giving it my all and keeping the weight off has consumed my thoughts most days…sometimes I find I’ve nothing to talk about to people, but the minute we talk about weight and diets I have lots to say, this worries me a lot.
Marcelle´s last blog ..Thinking Back
I tend to be an all or nothing person, and like you said, it’s not the best mentality to have. For me, it is really hard not to compare myself to the stars in the media, and their size 0/2 bodies. (Though my friend once told me that the movie and tv stars that look like that are less than 10% of the average population, so it just looks like that there are a lot of people that are actually that thin. But really they’re not.) For me, sometimes it’s even harder, b/c my best friend is a size 4/6, and it’s hard for me not to compare myself to her. I’m a size 10/12, and would like to lose another 40 lbs.
I am sad for this woman, too. I recently attended a nutrition seminar and the speaker talked about willpower and skill-power. He says we need both when it comes to making healthy lifestyle changes. Yes, we need self control but we also need to be educated on how to make those changes. Maybe this woman didn’t know how to live a healthy lifestyle. Sadly people get caught up in fad diets and workouts that don’t work effectively for them and they give up. I’ve been there.
Joanna Sutter´s last blog ..A Really Odd Workout
I’ve been a perfectionist by nature…if I can’t do it perfectly in a timely manner, I won’t do it. This has invaded many areas of my life. It’s taken me almost 39 years to figure this out.
Now, my “motto” is, “It’s better than before.” Didn’t get every spot off the floor? At least it’s better than before. Every piece of laundry isn’t washed/folded/put away? At least some of it is done. Etc.
I imagined my body parts saying to me, “we’ve been good to you; we’ve done the best we could with what you’ve given us. You’ve given us junk and a sedentary lifestyle. Give us SOMETHING to work with.”
I don’t have a perfect meal plan all in one swoop…but I’m trying to make it better than before. I don’t have a perfect exercise routine, but I’m adding to it and making it better than before.
Thank you, again, for insightful questions.
Gina Fit by 41, Maybe 42´s last blog ..Might As well Jump
Boy. How awful to have overheard that conversation, I am the same way too, I probably wouldn’t have intervened but later I would replay those words over in my head and obsess over wanting to help her change her mind, not because she should be “skinnier” but because I wouldn’t have wanted her to quit. All throughout my 20’s I struggled with having a little extra weight and I had this crazy notion that I needed to be tiny and if I wasn’t, then I was nothing. I yo-yo’d all over the place. I would start and quit, start and quit, start and quit. I always felt like I had given up because somehow I always gained the weight back. I don’t know, something changed in my 30’s, I realized that it was never about being skinny for me, it was about being happy and being healthy. It’s like the notion of “healthy” finally clicked and along the journey, I learned that losing even just a little really was a big deal!
christieo´s last blog ..Questions from Domesticadia
You and I have had this conversation, about how I felt I was never meant to be in the 200’s again, after sitting in the 300’s for what felt like forever. I am glad that I was able to give up this notion, and while I am comfy in the skin I am in now, I look forward to moving on from here, too. My goal weight, set by both me and confirmed by my doc, still leave me in an overweight category, but I am not going to let society dictate my health or happiness ever.
Pam´s last blog ..Pieces
All or nothing. How fitting! I wanted to lose like 5 pounds a day. 1-2 a week? Ridiculous and no way! Wasn’t worth all the ’sacrificing’ I went through to lose weight. How thankful I am that I am losing weight without the ’sacrificing’ of years gone by! I have lost major amounts of weight twice and given up each time because it was too slow, too hard, I didn’t get to eat what I REALLY wanted and then gained it all back plus more which seems to be rather common. I love how your posts hit home with me and so many others. I can’t wait for your book!
zaababy´s last blog ..Day 191–Wonderful and Horrible at the same time? It’s Madness I say, Madness!
Diane, we all have felt some of this for sure. I admit that I see all this junk out there & at times have wished to be this or that. The pressure is all in my head. Sometimes it goes like : Everyone expects this of me & expects me to look this good & I get all caught up in that. Other times it is just me wanting to be more… maybe due to the media. I think yes.. I know you have to look a certain way to be a fitness model which has been something I had wanted BUT I don’t have the “look”. So I guess I can say I have given up on some things in that realm. I have tried & been rejected more times than I can handle right now so….
I know I have done well with my fitness accomplishments but it does not transfer to the media fields unless you look the part on camera & in pics… It does not stop me from my personal gym & healthy fitness goals though.
Jody – Fit at 52´s last blog ..Workout Tips; Bday Update
i think anyone who has tried to lose weight at one point or other gives up, it’s making that mental switch that ends up showing the true “losers”.
i think it’s just part of the process we have to go through to really figure ourselves out, our goals, and what it takes to achieve those.
Rebecca @ Durch Dick und Duenn´s last blog ..Weigh-In #19
This reminds me the last time I lost weight. I exercised every morning for an hour and a half and I almost eat anything. I was doing a big effort. Very big. But I was happy with my 150 pounds. It was more than it should be, but it was all I had been able to do.
I was there for a year or so and I knew that I couldn’t exercise more or eat less. So I knew that I couldn’t be thiner.
In a few weeks, I met two new people. They hadn’t seen me before and they both say the same: I was overweight and they refused me to be overweight.
That was the initial of the end. In less than half a year I was 160 pounds and started to gain weight: why bother if doing a big effort I was still fat?
Now I know that it isn’t true. And I’m fighting to be were I was. I hope to be there again. And no matter what people says!
So sad.
I’ve never been an all or nothing person and I don’t plan on starting now. I am what I am, at whatever weight.
Mary :: A Merry Life´s last blog ..What Goes Up Most Come Down
I wonder if I’d be truly okay with losing some weight, but not getting down to my stated goal weight? I just don’t know.
I do have a strong all-or-nothing predilection, but in working on my perfectionism this go-round, perhaps it’s slightly tempered. Honestly, I don’t believe that compromise is appropriate for all situations. But I am able to appreciate the smaller victories along the way—today I hit my own 10% lost milestone, and I’m thrilled
.
Hilary´s last blog ..Down 20 Lbs!
With my weight loss, I’ve embraced the idea of baby steps. Lord knows how, considering I’m definitely the ‘all or nothing’ type, but I also know it all adds up in time! I love looking back on my progress records and seeing the changes. I love knowing how hard I worked, both in the gym and the kitchen. All those baby steps continue to motivate me to keep busting tail in the gym, and inspire me to buy healthy options instead of processed junk!
I feel sad for her. I used to be her. Even down to the yard sales. Now I wish I had hung on to all the too-small-to-fit clothes that I’ve sold in yard sales throughout the years lol…
Sometimes I wonder if I was in a different kind of society or a healthier location, would that make a difference on me? It’s hard when there are deals and bad food is cheaper. I learned however that my favorite place Ireland is not a place to go to lose weight, at least not in regards to the food.
Robin´s last blog ..Trailing Behind
Been there, done that, OVER and OVER again…
Lisa´s last blog ..I have made a really important weight loss decision…
I refuse to fall into the “all or nothing” mentality. I haven’t had a great week. I’ve sampled some of the products I’ll be reviewing this week (and offering giveaways, too!).
So, I haven’t weighed in yet, either.
I know that I will do better in the coming days and I refuse to stress over it.
I know people who are all about 100% — giving it all or they consider it a failure. Then, when the energy and motivation wane — they just give it up completely.
No way I am going to sabotage myself like that. I’ve come too far.
The all or nothing mentality lead me to gain 50 pounds in my late teens early 20’s. I gained yet I was constantly on a “diet”. Thankfully, 20 years later, I know better!
I’ve a question for you Diane. Do you think your mother’s attitude towards food helped you or hindered you? I truly believe that my all or nothing attitude was picked up from my mom who is still like this in her 70’s! (And still 50 pounds overweight.) It was after I moved out of the house did I start learning about healthy was to approach food. And it took a good 20 year to learn enough where I can maintain a weight that is within the “normal” range consistantly.
I guess I look at this a little differently, you said she was young and attractive and only slightly overweight. Maybe she did give up trying to lose weight, but that doesn’t mean that she never exercises anymore or doesn’t eat nutritious foods. Perhaps she decided that she was good enough just the way she is, which is also empowering, don’t you think? I’ve never reached my “ideal” weight and maybe I would still be considered chubby. Whatever, I eat right, I work out, and at 38 I’m in the best shape of my life. I’ve been satisfied at my weight for some time and am only now considering losing a little more. I’m on the fence right now, losing weight involves sacrifice (and anyone who says it doesn’t, is lying) and I haven’t decided whether it’s what I want yet. Either way, I’m okay.
I don’t think I’m really an all-or-nothing type of girl, but I have quit many times in the past.
As you know, I had finally decided that I wasn’t meant to be thin and I would just learn to love myself the way I was – overweight and inactive. About six to nine months after deciding I’d learn to love myself was when I was motivated to try and lose weight one final time, because it hit me that loving myself was not letting myself get larger and larger and more unhealthy and I knew I had to do something.
Now I am also saddened when I hear people talking about giving up on their unhealthy weight situation. I feel like you, in the sense that I want to say, “Look at me. If I can do this, there is definitely hope for you!!!”
Leah´s last blog ..One Step At A Time
I have in the past fallen into the all or nothing category! I have a pretty typical OCD type personality. However, this time I refuse to let myself be sucked into that mentality.
This has to be a LIFESTYLE CHANGE not just another diet for me. I have tried literally thousands of diets before and while I could lose weight, I would eventually fall off the wagon. I felt if I ate just a little of something or if I didn’t lose weight I was a complete and utter failure. I still fight this tendancy, but have promised myself and my family this time it’s different.
This time it’s not just another diet….this time it’s a total lifestyle change!
I think it’s really easy to have an all or nothing mentality and to let it influence you in a very negative way. It’s also easy to feel that you are never good enough. When I was trying to lose weight, I got frustrated numerous times. I lost weight very slowly, yet everywhere there seemed to be quick weight loss fixes. Also, even after I had lost quite a bit of weight, I wasn’t super thin.
For me, a real change came when I looked at it as a “healthy living” journey rather than weight loss. I realized that my relationship with food and my weight influenced how I lived my life and how I was feeling every single day. I realized that I had to get it “right” for the right reasons. And these reasons were not weight or how I looked in clothes. Rather, it was all about how happy I was and how I interacted with the people in my life as a result of how I was feeling.
I am so thankful I never fell into that mentality with dieting, which could explain why this is my only official attempt and I haven’t dropped it yet (modified along the way, sure, but not given up once
. It would be so heartbreaking to have a massive regain just because I wasn’t measuring up to my mental idea of ‘perfect weightloss’.
The dieting mindset – drop the weight fast through some restriction and then be fit, fabulous, and on your merry way – has to be about the single most destructive lie we’re selling ourselves in the modern era. Teaching self loathing and self hatred never did anyone a bit of real good, even if it motivated a temporary streak of self-flagellating zeal.
Helping one’s body with tender care and love, with an eye on things that REALLY matter and goals that are healthy for the body – that is what needs emphasizing to so many struggling people. The single biggest thing that has prevented me from seeing weight issues as ‘all or nothing’ is realizing that, like everything else in life, this is a progression. My health is a journey without an end – as long as I draw breath, I have chances to improve myself or worsen myself. No decision I am making with food and exercise cannot be undone, so I turn that around to give myself endless hope that, no matter how many times I stumble, I can ALWAYS get back up.
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Awesome, I like the way you posted the Society/Media says!
Ugh I know what you mean. I’ve been over weight for more than two decades, I’ve spent most of the two decades trying to lose weight. I’ve never really given up, I’ve just paid more attention to it at some times than others. It is just so hard.
MackAttack´s last blog ..snack machines
I think I have had that all or nothing mentality in the past. That kind of thinking was certainly not good for me. I am working on changing the way I approach my weight and my health. I am not going to give up and I am going to continue to strive for fit and healthy.
This mentality is my biggest fight. When I get overwhelmed it is my first resort. I get tired of the battle and figure I just need to accept it. I can totally relate to the comments made. As a matter of fact I can go to my closet right now and pull out several gonna get there but didn’t make it items.
I think it is a fine line to not give up and to not get all consumed in trying and failing and trying and failing.
Great post!