I talked yesterday (3/29) about the fact that I didn’t feel as though I was losing things while I went from 300 pounds to 146 pounds, rather I felt as though I was gaining health, fitness, and improving my self-esteem.
In the midst of all the good things that happened there were some unfortunate consequences, or “fall-out” from my weight loss success. There was the loss of my best friend of over 10 years. Our relationship didn’t survive my weight loss success. She said mean things to me so often that I finally believed she didn’t want to be my friend at all. There were times where I felt isolated in social situations where fattening food was all that was offered. When I refused to eat any goopy cake or store bought cookies my friends made fun of me.
Even my sweet husband was confused at first when I insisted on exercising every day. It took him some time to realize that I wasn’t taking any time away from the family, but rather was able to give more time and energy to the family because I felt so much better about myself.
Roy, at Contemplative Fitness wrote this in the comment section last week. He talks about sabotage in his comment, but at the end of his comment he made a statement that stopped me in my tracks.
Nearly all people I have helped lose 50+ ended up leaving their relationship within a year of the weight coming off.
It stopped me in my tracks because that wasn’t my personal experience. John and I came through my weight loss unscathed. But what of Roy’s experience in training and helping people get fit and healthy?
It made me want to explore this further, and who better to ask their experiences then you all.
I have known several people who have lost a substantial amount of weight. Some have had struggles in their relationships and some haven’t. I thought about some of the reasons why relationships may struggle when someone drastically changes their appearance and lifestyle. The two words that came into my mind were expectations and insecurity.
Expectations that a relationship will always continue in a certain manner, including appearance, habits, and life goals.
Insecurity that comes about after those expectations aren’t met.
As you travel this journey have you given any thought to your relationships? My hope for you is that your relationships, both friendships and more, will survive your journey to health unscathed and stronger. Any thoughts on how to help this happen, or is there nothing that can be done? Diane
I saw that in the comment, and wondered as well. It seemed a bit surprising, but not completely unbelievable. I had a much different reality 50 pounds ago. I’m single, and guys hardly looked at me, and I’ve actually had men tell me that they like to have sex with fat women, because they’re hungrier, more desperate. Sorry to be crude and rude, but I’ve had this said to my face. At this weight, guys at least look at me (though still don’t talk to me, though I don’t talk to them either), and I wouldn’t put up with bs like the above.
As for marriage, but I can see if one person makes a major lifestyle change, and the other won’t (if your husband still insists on pizza/fried chicken/lasagna every night for dinner, lots of beer and couch time), or if the marriage wasn’t that great anyway, it would be in trouble at this point.
Fair or not, thinner people have more options, choices, for dating. I don’t make the rules, I just notice them.
.-= julie´s last blog ..A Week away from the Gym =-.
I was in a long-term relationship when I finally reached my “goal weight”. He and I lived together for almost three years and he was a big part of the reason I gained so much weight in the first place. He was thin, but had issues with food much like mine (using it for comfort, overeating, etc.) As I started taking care of myself, he continued to eat horribly and loaf around watching television all day while I worked, worked out, and cooked healthy meals for myself. Part of me was with him because before I lost weight/gained confidence I didn’t think anyone could ever love me. He did, so he was good enough.
We parted ways about a month after I reached my goal weight. He was keeping me from living and truly loving and I was confident enough to go out and find someone to live life with. Even if it meant being alone for a while. I often joke that I lost 110 lbs in a year, and 160 lbs in one day (being the ex).
That’s really when I feel my life began again.
.-= Jenelle´s last blog ..Balancing Act =-.
People are so afraid of change. We want people to improve themselves, but not if it’s going to affect US.
I am going through a similar thing with a friend of mine. I don’t want to go out and eat anymore for social gatherings, I want to walk or do something else. She doesn’t get it.
.-= Fattie Fatterton´s last blog ..Blessed are the flexible, for they shall not be bent out of shape. =-.
I can totally relate to this. My family tells me “not to get too thin!” (I am still 20 pounds overweight!) and my former best friend is a former because of the weight loss. I was the maid of honor in her wedding, and two months later she told me I was a disappoint, self-absorbed MOH. I don’t think that was the case … I think it was because I lost weight and she didn’t.
.-= Ashley´s last blog ..Our first Easter =-.
This post really hit home for me. I lost 110 pounds and in the process, I lost a few friends. I was no longer the “fat” friend for them. I was suddenly “competition” for attention. And a few other friends of mine, who were ALSO heavy, dumped me as well. I suppose they didn’t want to make the same life-altering changes I made. Maybe they were jealous. I don’t know. I could never get an answer from certain “friends” who dumped me. It makes me sad. It makes me really angry.
As for the comment that 50 percent of couples broke up after weight loss…I think my story is a little different. I lost about 80 pounds before I met my boyfriend Michael. I still have over 20 pounds to lose but he loved me anyway. I’ve since lost that weight and don’t see our relationship changing at all because of that.
.-= Lisa´s last blog ..The “I Forgot To Pack a Lunch” Lunch =-.
OOOPS I meant when we met I still had 20 pounds to lose. I’ve reached my goal. Sorry!
.-= Lisa´s last blog ..The “I Forgot To Pack a Lunch” Lunch =-.