Did this ever happened to you? You were walking in the mall – either by yourself or with a friend and you caught sight of yourself in a mirror? Were you sometimes astonished and found yourself wondering, “Who is that and how did I get like this?”
Like many women, I avoided the mirror, especially when I was obese. I could look at myself without really seeing what I looked like. I could put on makeup, do my hair, brush my teeth, and not pay attention to what the mirror was showing me. That ability is both a blessing and a curse.
All throughout the years I struggled with my weight, I avoided having my picture taken. I tried my best to be the one behind the camera, and I still do! The difference is that now, although I don’t love having my picture taken, I don’t get all weird about it. Back then, John would practically have to beg me, “Let me take a picture of you with the kids.” I would reluctantly agree, knowing that I would hate it. And when I picked it up from the photo shop, of course I did hate it, and often times threw the picture away.
I didn’t really want to see how big I had become. I wasn’t living in fantasy land. I knew that I was wearing the biggest size Lane Bryant sold. I understood that finding undergarments was really difficult. I acknowledged my wedding rings no longer fit. Intellectually, I knew all of those things, but I tried to avoid thinking seriously about any of it. Because if I ever allowed myself to dwell on how I looked I knew I would get depressed! And if I got depressed I would eat more and more.
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There are a few times where I vividly remember having to face the reality of my size while looking in the mirror. One time is when I was getting my hair cut. I sat down in the chair and the hair stylist shook out the cape and put it around my big self. It floated up like a parachute, and settled over my bulk. I remember looking in the mirror at the expanse of the black cape and thinking, “Wow, I’m huge.” I didn’t even want to get my hair cut anymore. I wanted to get up and go home. The entire time she was chatting and cutting my hair, all I could think about was how tiny my head looked on top of that big cape. When she finally finished and I had paid her, I went to the car and cried. How had I gotten to this point that even getting my hair cut felt embarrassing?
Facing the reality of not only my size, but my unhealthy lifestyle was hard. My final moment of truth was on the doctor’s scale. Up until that moment all I did was get upset about how I looked and felt. On that day I finally looked in the mirror and said, “I’m not going to live like this anymore.”
Question: Did you find it hard to accept your size and how you felt physically before you started on the path to healthy living? Diane
I had this same thing happen with seeing myself on video tape. It was sort of like being in a 360 mirror – the BIG picture.
And it is interesting that you mention mirror at hair stylists – because I have been getting acquainted with the goal size/smaller ME in those mirrors. Stylist re did her studio just about exactly the time I hit final goal (last November) and she has floor to ceiling mirrors at each station. And I have been utterly facinated with looking at my whole body. (No full length mirror at home).
I suspect that a REALLY good idea (for weight loss) would be several full length mirrors at home – maybe one in the kitchen!
.-= vickie´s last blog ..Exercise this week =-.
I also hated going to the hairdresser..the mirror showed my whole body not only the upper – I used to sit on the chair with my head dropped and wait for the clock as it hid the fat body – when I looked up I could see my face and it was *OK* when the clock came off and the hairdresser took a smaller mirror to show me the cut I would keep my eyes off my body and only focus on my hair..
I hated mirrors…hated it with a passion.
I used to do hair and make up in a small round mirror – I stood far away from the big mirror without my glasses on so I saw myself in a little blurr…LOL
I think it is really hard – at any size – to have a realistic idea of how you look. I know many people who are small who think they are big, or big and don’t realize it! So often the person we think we are in our heads has no corrollation to the body on the outside.
.-= Amy´s last blog ..Tempo Tuesday =-.
I agree with Amy. I think at any size we’re critical of our bodies, whether it’s our weight or something else. I know that when you mentioned catching yourself in the mirror at the mall I automatically thought of how I’d walk by my reflection and get all upset about my hair and how pathetic it looked. Though I do know people who don’t even bat an eye at their reflection. In a way, I wish I were more like that because there’s much less stress involved.
.-= Tracey @ I’m Not Superhuman´s last blog ..Sincerely, Gym Management =-.
I couldn’t believe that my size was 18 pants that was so shocking. Walking fast was a chore with my thighs rubbing together and getting chaffed. I was numb to it emotionally until I saw my wedding pictures that snapped me out of it and I knew I had to change. I joined a gym got a trainer since I had no clue how to “work out” with weights, and cleaned up my eating none of it was easy and working out felt humilating at 197lbs my highest weight that I know of!
13 years later I know I am never going back to being 197lbs.
.-= Susan´s last blog ..If Its Not Broke Don’t Fix It! =-.
My size never was hidden to me or something I tried to deny- I was well aware and it never bothered me. Just recently I have noticed how physically weakened I have become over the years and THAT bothers me a great deal ! Excess weight makes it very difficult for your joints to operate properly and lack of muscle tone makes those functions worse.I think lack of muscle tone also makes our metabolism slower , which makes weight loss slower and more difficult. It was an eye opener to me to see how poor my muscle tone has become !
.-= Diane´s last blog ..Progress and worthwild pain =-.
Hard to read stories of your life like this & not relate in some way as I am sure many of your readers feel too. I think we all have gone thru this. I used to absolutely hate what I saw in the mirror. I still, like you, don’t like my pic taken but I try to be better about it.. don’t always succeed…. but at least I sometimes see good.. but again, not always & still fighting that.
.-= Jody – Fit at 52´s last blog ..Time Off & Away to Renew! Unplug! =-.
For a long time I never really knew how big I was. I was in so much denial..sure I had some weight to lose, but…
I had stopped doing things that fat folks couldn’t do, so I didn’t realize I was huge.
My moment was when we took the kids to the amusement park and I couldn’t ride the rides! I remember, I cried like a baby.
Mirrors can be a mixed blessing, that’s for sure!
.-= Dr. J´s last blog ..The Biggest Loser Couples Season 9: Healthy Verses Unhealthy =-.
I think you even linked tis here once before, but if you don’t mind today Diane, I think I will let this be my comment. Thank you so much.
http://contemplativefitness.wordpress.com/2010/01/19/downward-and-upward/
I always accepted the fact I was big but certain full size mirrors always showed you the real truth and it was always worse than I thought.
.-= John´s last blog ..The “Machine” is unsure =-.
I AM finding what I see hard.
.-= Trish @IamSucceeding´s last blog ..It Is A Constant Roller Coaster =-.
I always lied to myself and said I was healthy because my blood pressure was okay and my RHR was decent even at my size. And I wasn’t as fat as other people because I could wear a 20 or 22 instead of a 28. But I had to come to terms with it when they had to increase my regular medications because I got fatter. It was scary.
.-= Cynthia (It All Changes)´s last blog ..I’m a Regular =-.
Wow, I feel like I could have written this post.
I went basically through all my teenage years denying how I actually looked. I took an “ignorance is bliss” kind of standpoint, and refused to acknowledge the way that I looked, too. Like you, if I thought about it too much, it just depressed me, and I thought that I could never be a normal weight, it was just in my “genes” to be heavy, which was a total cop out for me.
It’s also funny that you mentioned the hair-cutting thing. The thing that I remember most about getting my hair cut, was how my double chin stood out when they put the cape on me. I HATED it, and I still hate it when they put the cape on me today, because, even though my double chin is gone, I still SWEAR I can see it.
Going to the doctor that one day knocked me out of my la la land, as she told me I needed to lose 100-110 lbs. I didn’t think I was THAT overweight, and I looked at my true self from then on.
Anyways, as always, great post. Have a great day!
Hope
Even though I was shopping the plus-size department, I was in denial and I didn’t avoid mirrors but when I saw pictures that people had taken, I thought that the camera sure does add pounds…
.-= ‘Drea´s last blog ..The Devil You Know =-.
Very thought provoking.
Sometimes I’m upset with not taking care of my weight issues many years ago. However, I’m also learning not to beat myself up over past mistakes. I wasn’t completely miserable being overweight, so I can not look to the past and only dredge up the bad memories of how I felt. I enjoyed my life despite my large size.
That being said I also think that because I didn’t stay at an obese weight, and never reached morbidly obese, I may not carry the feelings some people do. Those times of being at my highest weight only last a few months before I’d lose a little bit. Yes, I would gain it back, but I wonder sometimes that if I would’ve lived for a longer period of time as a morbidly obese woman if I would’ve begun to bring on such strong feelings as you share.
Thanks for sharing more of your thoughts from the past.
.-= Leah´s last blog ..This and That Ramblings =-.
Even at my heaviest I was constantly dieting! The problem was I did the Starvation Diet, 700 – 900 calories a day. That would last for about three days max and then I’d eat EVERYTHING in sight and go out for more. So I’d slow my metabolism down with dieting, loose some fat AND some muscle, and then add just fat back plus more fat! No wonder I was fat!
Finally I quite dieting. THAT”S when I lost the weight! Go figure!
Wow YES YES YES I can relate! It is easier to avoid the truth than face it. I have always hated sitting in a hairdressers chair especially with a full length mirror in front of me. I have literally say there and though hurry and put the cape over me so I do not have to look at my rolls and then I just stop looking altogether.
Great post!
oh this broke my heart to read this – It is hard to look at pictures and be like why did I go on like that? I don’t even LOOK as happy, and I know I wasn’t.
.-= fittingbackin´s last blog ..3 Exciting May Trips, Playlist, 2.5 miles =-.
I just recently got my WOW. The last several months I have been overly tired, felt mentally foggy, coulnt sleep and had a hard time staying awake at work. It is a struggle for me to get through the day everyday. I went to my doctors and relized I gained 60 pounds over the last 3 years (after loosing 120 pounds) the year before that. I ended up having to have a sleep apnea test done, and wow, that explains why I am so tired all the time as well as with the weight gain. I felt so good when I was lighter. So I am now 6 days back into my “I want, need, and deserve” to have the healthy me back mind set and with my c-pap. I am watching my food intake, drinking my water and trying to fit exercise in, I find that being the hardest. For those of you who have already had your wow and have worked through it CONGRATS!! For those of us who have just received our WOW… We need to keep our WOW moment in the back of our minds, so we can remember why we are on our personal journey and that we deserve a better life style.
Tisha
I have just recently started my weight loss journey and
I can relate to do much of what you said, right now in my life.
Even though I love the me inside, I am sad at the person I
have let myself become on the outside.
wow so weird you used the haircut as the example- I use to hate sitting in the chair staring at my FAT face with my wet hair all pulled back. Made me feel like everyone was looking at me. eewwww! oh and yes, that cape is not flattering! lol
=-.
.-= tj´s last blog ..Wednesday Stuff
My wake up call to my size was in a pic of one of my kids birthday parties. I really hadn’t realized how big I had gotten even though my pant size horrified me and my knees hurt constantly ect..
Now I get a shock when I see my new self in the mirrors at the gym after losing 50 lbs. Is that really me? I need to take a second look!
.-= Karyn´s last blog ..Chest, shoulders and tri’s, oh my! =-.
I hate getting my hair cut too! All I see is my big neck and chubby face.
The worst was once in a dressing room at JC Penny. They had a 3 dimensional mirror and I took my shirt off and saw my back!!! It shocked me so much.
The things you’ve touched on in this post are all things that I can relate to. Thank you for being brave enough to open up and tell your truth. Keep up the excellent work!
.-= LAF´s last blog ..Mission Completed! =-.
Yes, I was very much in denial of how I looked and felt. I didn’t have any full length mirrors in my house, and I thought I looked fine in my bathroom mirror. I knew I was very overweight, but just chose not to think about it a lot of the time. When I saw my reflection in the glass windows I was always horrified. There is no hiding from huge glass windows, they are everywhere.
I worry that someone will catch me staring at myself. After 20+ years of not wanting to look, it is so wonderful to like what I see.
I hated getting my hair cut, too. I hated seeing myself sitting in the chair before the cape was thrown over me. Sitting down I looked so much worse than standing. I was huge with the cape over me, but at least I couldn’t see all the rolls. I lived in fear of the chair breaking when the hair stylist would raise it. I worried about her being horrified by how much harder it was to raise the chair with me in it.
Now that I’m maintaining I love seeing my reflection in glass windows. I’m facinated with it
OMG I have had those moments. I stopped clothing shopping once my size 12′s got tight…and if I had to buy clothes, I mean ABSOLUTELY had to I bought it and tried it on at home so I wouldn’t have to face the dreaded dressing room mirrors. So sad. I can’t wait to reach my goal weight and go into the mall and see my reflection and SMILE! (actually I kinda already do this now that I’m back on track, but you know what I mean! lol)
.-= PhluffyPrincess´s last blog ..Amazing Non-Scale Victories! =-.
I had the same issue at the hair dresser, especially when my hair was wet. My head looked so small on my body. I always thought I didn’t look as bad as I really did.
The funny thing is, even after being at my current weight for almost 2 years, I sometimes still don’t recognize my own reflection!
.-= Lori (Finding Radiance)´s last blog ..Bagel Wednesday =-.
I used to avoid mirrors like the plague. I know exactly what you mean about the hair dresser — I always hated that and tried to look away!
.-= Ashley´s last blog ..Taking your weight loss public =-.
I think I never had a day of reckoning with myself. I always would look at a cute outfit and think “I could wear that” and always was shocked when it was too small.
Maybe that is what stalled me out?
All I know is I a chomping at the bit and can’t wait to go hot and heavy on the last part of the path of this journey now, and its exciting. Hope the enthusiasm doesn’t die before I can do anything about it!
.-= Pam´s last blog ..Licking Salt =-.
Oh my gosh…what is it about the salon mirror? I dreaded going to get my hair done and having to see my very rotund figure in the mirror. I’m not liking what I see again at the moment…but it’s not as bad as when I was a size….gasp…28.
I just subscribed to your blog
Yea!! Thanks for your sweet comments on my blog…I appreciate it 
.-= Lisa´s last blog ..Less Calories, Yummy Food, Goals =-.
What a great question. Yes indeed I was in denial. That is until we got vacation pictures back and I saw what I really looked like. I was horrified. It sent me packing to Weight Watchers. I lost 49 pounds. Kept it off for a couple of years and then gained some back. Been losing and gaining those pounds back and forth for a couple of years. Now I am finally just a couple of pounds away from goal again.
Yes, yes, and yes to all the above. I avoided mirrors. I avoided looking at my reflection in windows. I avoided pictures and I didn’t even look at my reflection when getting my haircut! When I did look at a full length reflection, the image that reflected back was distorted in my mind. I never allowed myself to see myself as the obese person I was. Major denial. Now I wish I had more pictures. I wish I had really looked at myself.
.-= Linda´s last blog ..Thursday Box of Chocolates-4/22/10 =-.
What was interesting to me was that I thought I was hiding. But really, I was just like an ostrich with it’s head stuck in the sand. Everyone else saw me that way every day, all the time.
My denial didn’t affect everyone else’s view. It just affected mine.
I was the only one surprised at pictures. I was the only one who cringed as the chair squeeled in protest or the lady asked if I was pregnant. Just me. They were just pretending for my sake.
.-= JourneyBeyondSurvival´s last blog ..Close Your Eyes If You’ve Got An Ice Cream Problem =-.
I also hated photographs…but more so I think I often felt like the more of me there is the less of a person I am. My faith helped me through this just by realizing that I AM valuable NO MATTER what size, but it is still a constant battle.
Thanks for stopping by my family blog. I changed my website link to my weight loss one if you are interested. Warning: I haven’t been eating the greatest!
.-= Amy´s last blog ..…April 22nd… =-.
I’ve always been quite comfertable with my body even on my heaviest weight. This doesn’t mean I didn’t hate it but it never hold me back from doing things. I did however not like it that pictures were taken of me because I was confronted with myself when I saw them.
.-= Fran´s last blog ..A day in my life: Wednesday April 21, 2010 =-.
If we can’t SEE it then all that fat must not be there…right…?
The Ostrich Strategy…know it SO well…!
Have been trying to get myself into pictures more, but my old habit of being behind the camera has everyone expecting me to keep doing that, so I have to *nudge* myself to *nudge* others to take pictures.
Another thing I have tried in the past was to put a full length mirror in front of my treadmill. I think my timing might have been “off” however as I found myself nit-picking and finding fault with my body rather than growing familiar, comfortable and *gasp* complementary of my body. So I put the mirror away. Perhaps I’ll try it again someday…
Don
i was in denial about my size for a while. i knew i was outgrowing my clothes, but i kept my head in the sand, didn’t want to admit to what i let myself become.