As you make your journey down the scale and into healthier living I wonder how your spouse, parents, children or significant other is doing? How are they feeling about the changes you are making in your life?
I had been on so many diets that John was accustomed to me dieting and trying to “be good” with food. It was actually the rare occasion where I was in between diets and was just eating with reckless abandon. (I secretly ate with reckless abandon all the time, but I didn’t tell John that.) He would patiently listen to me complain about the fact that I couldn’t eat birthdaycake and ice cream or encourage me to make good choices at restaurants. He never made me feel badly when I quit my diet.
When I started losing weight the last time, I was different. I had a different attitude towards weight loss and lifestyle changes than I had in the past. Like I’ve shared before, in previous attempts I focused on what I was giving up, but this last time, I focused on what I was gaining.
Because I thought of my new weight loss attempt as a lifestyle change, I didn’t complain too much about not being able to eat certain things. John says now he doesn’t remember me complaining at all while I was losing the 150 pounds. Instead he says he remembers that I was focused and intent on making good choices and exercising.
I asked him what he thought about the whole 14 months that it took me to lose my weight, and he said he was actually impressed that I was so committed and couldn’t believe that I just quit eating mountains of chocolate and chips.
I asked him if he was ever frustrated with me. He said not frustrated really, but he did feel confused as to why I felt the need to exercise frequently and would not bake except on special occasions. He said over time he began to understand that I really was changing from the inside out.
That made me feel good to hear him say those things. It also made me sad for the many people I’ve run into whose spouses and friends weren’t always supportive.
I think it is be important to take the pulse of your relationships as you are changing your lifestyle. When the timing seems right, ask some casual questions about how the important people in your life feel about what you are doing and what your goals are. It may help your relationship stay strong and avoid hurt feelings.
How do people in your life feel about the changes you have made? Diane
I know when I had my training studio my clients and I would talk a lot about how none of us live in a vacuum and how any lifechanges (from fitness to career) have a domino effect.
I know for me the biggest WAIT WHATWHAT?? was with my parents.
It took (is taking?) them a long time to see me as a healthy liver healthy eater healthyhealthy versus the beer and pizza and couch tater I used to be.
Miz´s last fabulous musings ..My first run in my Vibram Five Fingers
What I love most about your blog, is that you are becoming the voice in my head. The one that says, “Do you really want to eat that? Make better choices!” Just this morning I turned and fed the peanut butter on toast that my darling husband brought me with my morning coffee and fed it to my grateful labrador. All because of that post you did about portion sizes, and comparisons. I swear I will never look at peanut butter the same way again. Of course I didn’t want to hurt my hubby’s feelings, so I didnt tell him that I didn’t eat it. He hasn’t mentioned anything about me eating differently, but he did look at me quizzically the other night when I made him a baked potato for supper (with cheese sauce) but had a bowl of cornflakes myself. I had reasoned with myself that since I’d erred and had a grilled cheese for breakfast that morning (bad choice!) I’d be able to rectify it – if only in a small way, by eating what I should have later.
Ness at Drovers Run´s last fabulous musings ..You Are the Sunshine of My Life
I know of men who actually put pressure on their wives to lose weight. And I know overweight men who have a nerve… I think if I had that kind of pressure, I would actually get to be obese.
My son keeps asking if I am allergic to foods that I tell him I dont want to eat. I tell him, no I am not allergic, I just dont want my family to eat bad foods. He is forever asking if certain foods are healthy. Its just so cute.
Mbini´s last fabulous musings ..Walking your Butt Firm
My heart breaks for people whose spouses ridicule them about their weight. I was very fortunate that my ex never said a thing, other than being concerned for my health, after I gained one hundred pounds. I will always respect him for that. However, he would not stop bringing junk into the house and while it was my issue, he certainly wasn’t helpful. Looking back on it, I probably resented that a great deal. When things finally “clicked” for me, the weight was only part of the picture and was the first step in beginning to have my own voice. Those hundred pounds I’d gained was me, screaming about how unhappy I was.
My daughter was a teenager when I was at my heaviest, and of course I was an embarrassment to her so she would try, mostly nicely to put a stop to my crazy eating. Of course, that didn’t work. She now tells me I’m her hero for all the changes I’ve made in my life over the past nearly fifteen years.
Always a great topic, Diane. Thank you.
My husband is sceptic. He was sceptic when I picked up running again in March last year. Thought I would do that for a few months and then quit. Right now he’s impressed I’m still doing it and I heard him talk to other people about it. Guess he’s a bit proud although he would never admit that to me.
As for my healthy eating he still isn’t convinced and why should he. Up till today I do fine for a few days/weeks and then slip back to old habits. He tries to help me by giving me advice every now and then but mostly I’m too stubborn to listen at those moments. But I know that once I do keep going with my weight loss, he will be proud of me and tell others that he’s proud
My husband is totally supportive in both active and emotional ways. He does not, and has not, ever had a weight problem, so cannot understand how hard it is. Yet, he will do his own cooking if he wants something I choose not to have. I think the biggest help of all is that he doesn’t ever insist on eating out even though I know he enjoys it. He always offers words of support – often just a simple “wow” when I walk downstairs in something I haven’t worn in awhile.
Sharon´s last fabulous musings ..Sizzling Summer Sunday and Questions
this post (from the comments so far) is sort of the flip side of the one where people end up with a divorce at the end of their journey. The food/fat issues are the ones we can SEE.
vickie´s last fabulous musings ..What did I do for exercise this week
My husband has always adored me no matter what weight I was at so that was a huge help. He has always talked as though he is my biggest supporter, when in fact he has often been my biggest saboteur. He loves my cooking and would endure eating “plain and simple” for a couple of weeks each time I tried to lose weight, but then would whine so much about wanting cream sauces and other rich, delicious foods and tempting desserts, that I would give in. In the past couple of years, he has struggled more with, not only his weight, but high cholesterol. On this, what I hope my successful and final weight loss plan and improved way of eating, he has dropped about 20 pounds, bringing him back within his weight range. He has finally realized that one has to pay a lot of attention to what is put into once’s body. He’s been on a statin for two years to reduce his cholesterol, and he now believes he may be able to wean himself off of the med by watching his diet. He loves to grocery shop with me and is now so good about passing up the snacks and filling our basket with healthy fruits and veggies. His improved attitude has made my weight loss process so-o-o-o much easier.
Marsial2010´s last fabulous musings ..Emergency Warning!
My husband is very supportive of me. I’m not really sure how the rest of my family feels, but I have had comments from them such as, “Oh, just let the diet go for today.” Things like that, that I just can’t do!
Alissa´s last fabulous musings ..Banana Soft Serve
My SI does the math!! You know how stern those math teachers can be
Actually, it’s really nice when both people in a couple have similar positive values when it comes to health and fitness.
I’m lucky that my husband has been very supportive of all the changes I’ve made. When I first started, I literally only made and ate two alternating dinners for the first month. He ate these without complaint, though I think he was relieved when I started adding to the menu.
Desert Agave´s last fabulous musings ..Good Monday
I think people were amazed that I did what I did & then went on to push myself further. Now, most know there is nothing they can say to change the way I am about food & exercise!
Jody – Fit at 52´s last fabulous musings ..A Few of My Favorite Exercises
I was only heavy for a short period in my life, and since that was preceded by me being an athlete, most people around me expected the change. I remember one night during my weight-loss period my (then) wife brought me a slice of cheeseburger pie. When I thanked her but refused it, she told me with (seemingly) great admiration that I was “the most disciplined person” she had ever known. Three weeks later we were separated.
I always marvel at the comments on posts related to this topic, and as I have commented here before, in my experience as a trainer, I have seen many couples break up after one partner has lost significant weight, yet these comments I read in blogs are often contrary to that.
My husband is supportive. Maybe too supportive. He tends to push me a lot, which makes me upset. He is just doing it because at some point I said I needed help. But I only need help when I want help. Otherwise, the little only child that I am comes out and I pout. I am a very independent spirit, so it is hard for me to put that aside sometimes.
Great questions. And such an important one… I think it’s so important to have a supportive partner. As you said, I think the key is to talk to people close to you about how your changes will affect them.
I made changes slowly, and we decided as a family that it was okay if we didn’t all eat the same things all the time. It’s rare that we eat different foods these days. However, just the other day we had pasta, salad and garlic bread (which I didn’t eat). Hubby had mentioned garlic bread and pasta about a dozen times over the past few weeks, so I made it for him and the teenager. I had a big serving of salad a little bit of pasta. The boys went a bit overboard on the garlic bread…
Andrea@WellnessNotes´s last fabulous musings ..July Date Night
who you surround yourself with is very important in all areas of our life
It was my hubby’s words * why you diet, cause your body never changes, just relax and forget dieting ~ you are putting yourself through so much, for what?? * that changed my life.
Those words I heard and thought * I’ll show you * and I did.
Hubby also saw me on this diet, then that diet, training then not training….no wonder he thought I could not do it!
Lucky for me, everyone in my family has been supportive of me, and have cheered me on from the beginning. I never baked a whole lot, so no one missed that, and when it comes to dining out, I can always find the good food on the menu, wherever we go.
I think the only time that Bill ever gets irritated is that I’m not home as much, because of spending time at the gym, but his feelings toward that are temporary. I’m very lucky.
Here we are doing this as a family. so the results may not be typical. At first it was me, coming down like an iron fisted warden announcing change was happening, was immediate, and if not agreed upon the door is over there. Shock, horror, screaming and a lot of unpleasantness happened for about a week, and then all were on board. Now, there is no questioning or sabotage, but instead a whole lot of encouragement , brainstorming over the snaggy parts, and the general agreement that even if the scale is not moving downward, we feel , look and act a whole lot better than before , and we are not going back.
Diane´s last fabulous musings ..Beths Core Recipe Box Food is an important part of a balanced diet -Fran Leibowitz
Such a good point – it’s hard sometimes to remember to take their feelings into account. So far, it seems my husband is happy – he appreciates it, likes all of the new recipes, supports it by helping me prep or weigh and buys me new pots & pans. It’s been good! Sometimes though – I can tell I go a little too far and try to do too much and he has to reign me back in!
fittingbackin´s last fabulous musings ..C25K- Book Club Sleepover- New Recipe- Boutique Sale
All my family is extremely pleased with what I’m doing. If they were against it I wouldn’t care and would keep it going anyways.
You know Diane, you’ve given me the perfect opportunity to say “I have the BEST husband!” When I started my “final lifestyle change” in January 2009, my husband fully supported my decision to cook “separately.” My daughter and I ate completely different from my husband. When she left for college last September, he started pitching in with learning to cook some of “his” meals! He’s already a great dishwasher but he’s SO proud of me and now after many many diets, I’ve turned my lifestyle into a healthy one!
Tonight: I made myself a huge veggie/eggbeater “skillet” and he fried some potatoes, baked from frozen biscuits, and scrambled eggs for himself! He’s GREAT!!
I could have never done it without changing the way I eat and I don’t “nag” him as he continues on his “NO fruit or veggies shall touch my lips” way of eating!
I am blessed.
My family is completely supportive. When we eat out they even scan the menu and help point out things that look healthy that they think I would like! I love it that they are looking out for me.
My wife is wonderful always and supportive of my effort to turn around my life, health wise. But I can’t say there have been a lot of changes to the habits in our house, other than mine, especially for how we feed our children. This latter point is unsettling and I need to work through it with my wife.
Alan´s last fabulous musings ..Eating Plan Profile- 9 Fruits and Vegetables per Day
I can’t remember if I commented on here or not, but this is a great post.
My husband has always been supportive of me, but now that he’s actually joining me in trying to eat healthier it’s about to make a big change in how things are going.
I’m currently “not in the mood” to care, and even feeling like I’ll never reach goal, but I’m trying to keep making those good choices until things get back into the “down the scale” spiral I want to see.
Leah´s last fabulous musings ..Out and About