You’d assume that your best friend would be the ideal person to share your weight struggles and trials with. For some people this is true, for others it is not. I fell into the second category, where my “best friend” turned out to be the best person to share my struggles with, but not the best person to share my successes with. We had been friends since we were both young married women, and always shared the ups and downs of married life and life with children. She watched me balloon up from an average size to a morbidly obese woman in a matter of 3 years. She was there when I tried every diet known to man, and failed miserably at each one. She was also there when I finally got started losing weight.
Getting started on my weight loss plan involved some preparation. I had to rid the house of trigger foods, plan my exercise program and practice eating the proper portions. I also hunted through old photo albums, and as a visual incentive of my goal, taped an old picture of my thinner self on the refrigerator. One day, while at my house, she commented, “You don’t really think you can be that thin again do you?” I looked at her and said, “Well, I’m sure going to try.” She made a face, and went on with her previous conversation. I thought about her comment the whole rest of the day. I wondered why she would say that, and what her motives were. I eventually decided that she didn’t mean anything by it, and went on with the process of losing weight. At 50 pounds there wasn’t a big difference, but by 100 pounds the difference in my appearance was startling and surprising to those who saw me. Everywhere I went people would embarrass me with their effusive comments, and often times, my friend was with me.
As I got thinner and more fit, my friend’s comments to me became more pointed and mean spirited. I felt such confusion. We had been friends for so long – why was she acting like this? When I finally started changing my lifestyle that last time I deliberately choose to only tell her and my husband. I didn’t want to tout to the world the fact that I was once again trying to get healthy. I choose to share my struggles with her and she wasn’t being supportive. It just didn’t seem fair. In the past, I may have let her disapproval of me throw me off track, and I probably would have turned to food when hurtful comments were said. This time, I was strong enough within myself to realize the problem was hers, not mine. I didn’t let her own personal issues cloud my goals and objectives, and in some ways her attitude made me a stronger person.
When I finally lost the 150 pounds she was the one person who never said, “Good job.” It was hurtful and painful, and even though we struggled on with our friendship for several more years, we eventually drifted apart. That experience taught me a lesson. Don’t assume that your friends will be happy for you as you change your lifestyle and get healthy. Looking back, I assume she was jealous, although she was a normal size herself. Perhaps she liked the “fat Diane” better than the “thin Diane.” I share this story to make you aware of the fact that people in your life who you are close to may not be comfortable with a new and different you. I was the same person I had always been inside, but with some added self confidence. As you journey through your weight loss experience don’t be upset if you hear comments that aren’t supportive and encouraging. Try to do as I did – take the comments with a “grain of salt” and keep moving forward towards your set goal. Don’t turn to food for comfort if your friend doesn’t support you – look within yourself to find the strength to continue on.
Have you ever been surprised by other people’s reactions to the new you? Diane
Oh how hurtful Diane to have your “best” friend be like that you did not deserve to be treated like that.
I’ve had people make comments about how I eat now because they will say something like oh you don’t eat “that” because your afraid of getting fat again, and I’m like I could eat it if I wanted but I chose NOT to…
Fortunately, I haven’t had a friend like that. One of my closest friends had lost 70 pounds of her own and was prepared to be my biggest cheerleader.
You’re right about looking within yourself. One of my favorite (and most indulgent) mantras is “This is about ME.” It’s perfect for me to fight off any feelings of not doing what other folks expect or think about me, and focus on doing the best for my health and self-perception. It doesn’t excuse me from being kind or helpful, but it helps me get my priorities in order.
Cammy@TippyToeDiet´s last fabulous musings ..Hello Woman’s Day- Part 2
I find there is SO much truth in this. My best friend? Doesn’t read my blog, has never congratulated me, and when I went home last summer to see her she immediately handed me a magazine article about how exercise doesn’t really affect long term weight loss.
I’m pretty sure it’s because she’s still in that place where she’s wishing she was more fit (she’s probably 50 or so pounds overweight) but has all kinds of reasons (read: excuses) for not doing anything about it.
Once she lost her best excuse – making whine partner, evrything between us changed. It’s sad but true.
MrsFatass´s last fabulous musings ..unfinished business
I’m sorry your friend reacted like that Diane. It sounds so hurtful.
I guess I’m lucky in that I haven’t had a reaction like that yet. So far people have been supportive, extremely so. That’s something I should take a moment to really appreciate.
While reading this post I thought “she was jealous” a conclusion you also drew yourself. If she couldn’t be happy for you than she wasn’t worth your friendship.
I share my struggle with my friend K. who is and always has been thin. She’s very sportive too and that’s where she motivates me. She’s seen many efforts of me but never let me down. For the rest the people in my life don’t know about it, I choose to share it through my blog with people who are on the same journey or like you have been on this journey.
It’s funny that yesterday my brother in law called and asked us for dinner next Friday. He is baking fish. R. asked me if I wanted to go and I said no. R. thinks my family will talk about that behind my back that I won’t come while he is. But I don’t like fish that much and baked in a lot of oil isn’t something I want right now. So i decided to workout first, then eat at home and join them for coffee after dinner. And I don’t care what they think!
That’s really sad. Jealousy is such a nasty beast. This reminds me of an old boss I had. She was single, so she got downright miserable when anyone else talked about a significant other. She was mean and rude when I told her I was engaged–never happy for me.
Tracey @ I’m Not Superhuman´s last fabulous musings ..Your Last Chance to Win Lots of Loot
Thank you for this post, Diane. I’m dealing with this in two relationships right now. It isn’t about my weight loss, but about the more self-confident me because of the weight loss. I now have the strength to stop allowing myself to be used by them as a cover for their own insecurities.
I do have a question. Did you and your friend ever talk about this or died the friendship just drift away without her ever asking you, “what’s wrong” or “why are we not talking so much anymore?”
Sharon´s last fabulous musings ..No One Told Me About The Food!
I have experienced the same thing in the past, and strangely enough, the negativity came from someone that I was very close with. I think friendships have a delicate balance, and when that balance begins to change, it is threatening to the person who is not changing. It is hurtful, however, and sometimes it resolves itself, and sometimes it doesn’t. But we can’t live our lives for others, and they may not even realize what they are doing. I had to distance myself from this person, and I was sad about that, because it was a loss–but I had to do what was right for my health and family. What was intereting, however, is once I started gaining the weight back, that person’s attitude once again became kinder and more supportive. I guess she thought the old balance was restored, but, alas, the friendship wasn’t.
Jane´s last fabulous musings ..Weekend Ramblings-Or-Have I Had Too Much Sun
I was surprised in a really pleasant way actually (negative ones from other people, but I want to focus on the positive one because it makes me happy).
I had a friend that I figured would sabotage me. I thought that she liked having me as her “fat friend” and enjoyed the fact that I was bigger than her (she too was overweight, although not to my degree).
Maybe all of that was true. But after avoiding her for the first six months of my efforts, I ran into her. She wasn’t effusive in her praise of me, but soon after she launched her own weight loss efforts and we’ve become pretty great supporters for each other. We swap recipes and tips, keep each other motivated and get together for healthy, non-food related activities (such as walks).
Tara´s last fabulous musings ..No More
I think this is way more common than people think & also the sabotage by friends & family. It comes from their own insecurities & more…..
Jody – Fit at 52´s last fabulous musings ..Working that Core-Abdominals
I’m sorry to hear you lost a friend through weightloss. When I lost previously, my friends were all either neutral or supportive but then, I didn’t lose much.
Makes you wonder, though, about her motives for being friend to fat Diane, doesn’t it? I believe that sometimes, a “normalweight” person can feel truly thin next to a fat person or can feel easily more successful or disciplined when compared to a seemingly sloppy, disciplineless fat person. When the fat friend loses weight, the previously thinner friend now has to fear for her status.
But I’m happy to hear that only one of your friendships was based on something like that. It gives me hope that I don’t need to worry overmuch about my friends.
I appreciate this post very, very much. Support doesn’t always come from where we want it, but if we continue on our path…sometimes we are pleasantly surprised with what we do get!
Jules – Big Girl Bombshell´s last fabulous musings ..Cauliflower Mashed “Potatoes”
I have had very similar situation and know that everyone is waiting for me to gain the weight I lost back like I have done so many times before…this drives me to my obsession not to gain it back and adds to my fear….
I know they are all waiting in the wings so they can say…did you see Marcelle gained all her weight back again, knew it would happen as she is either fat or thin.
How sad that your friend couldn’t cheer you on. I never understand how people can be that way. If they love you, they should be thrilled for you. Oh well, I guess we’re all wired differently. Some people think happiness is a zero sum game and if someone is happy, someone else has to be miserable. I feel sad for your pain, but I feel even sadder for your “friend.”
Hugs,
Mary
Mary´s last fabulous musings ..Day 19- Some days just dont start out well
I know what you mean by saying “I was the same person I had always been inside, but with some added self confidence.”
but I would like to point out that we are never ‘the same’ on the inside. We learn and grow with each experience. If we are actually ‘the same’ then we regain, because there has been no change.
vickie´s last fabulous musings ..Sabrina gave me this quite a while back and today seemed a like a good day to share it
I have commented here before that in my experience in fitness training and weight-loss, this is common. In fact, it is often a significant other or parent that gets left behind and becomes resentful. Last time I made this comment, all but a few of your commenters said that was not the case with THEM, and gave warm and fuzzies to their support system. I have often thought about that since, and have wondered how honest they were being.
This is how I make my living, and in my experience there is always friend, always a family member, always a co-worker who is a saboteur. Misery loves company, even fat misery.
Emergefit´s last fabulous musings ..Building A Goal- From The Outside In…
It’s pretty sad when your friends cannot be proud of your accomplishments but I think sadly this is very common.
Luckily your head was in the right place that last time and you achieved what you were aiming for
Julia´s last fabulous musings ..Black Beluga lentils
Based on what Mr. Emergefit said above, I have to be the first to admit that I am a reformed saboteur! I was one of the foolish, jealous, lame friends that was not happy for my friend when she started getting a lot of attention and compliments. I wondered what was wrong with me – why was I reacting like this and making negative comments? One of the reasons was that I thought the attention was going to my friend’s head, as she would often repeat to me all of the positive comments she was getting and it sounded prideful to me. But I was the one with the pride. I lacked humility and was just plain selfish. I thank God that he has changed my heart to see what was going on and then to talk it out with my friend and to apologize, then reform. Now we support each other in healthy choices and I no longer try to get her (or other friends) to “fall off the wagon” so that I can feel better than them, or to feel like I have company in the lack-of-self-control camp, depending on where I am at the moment.
This is kind of hard to write, as no one else seems to have been a lout to their friends in the past except me, but I have to be honest. I also want to show that sometimes there is hope for change when it’s talked through together and both parties are honest about their motives.
That’s such a sad story.
I’m sorry you had to deal with that, but at least everything worked out in the end, and you didn’t take her lack of support to heart.
I’ve found as of late, that the wierdest things that I do seem to intimidate people. I’ve never run into it with weight loss (everyone was always happy for me, even my one friend who I have problems with), but in other areas, I’ve found people get up in arms if you start acting/doing something differently than they do. I don’t know what’s up with it.
Anyway, I trust that you have better friends now, who love you for who you are.
Wow- what a hurtful friend. It sounds like she had no self confidence and for some reason felt better about herself when you were larger than her. But your lesson in this post is a good one- don’t listen to other people!
Alissa´s last fabulous musings ..Last Day of Freedom
For the most part, people have been very supportive although a little surprised by some of things that I eat and some of the activities that I participate in.
I have had someone tell me that I’ve changed and they didn’t mean it in a positive way…
I feel like you, though, I’m still the same but with more self-confidence.
‘Drea´s last fabulous musings ..On A Lighter Note
My one friend and I talk about this all the time. We are both losing weight and supporting each other, but our other friends make comments like, “Don’t become a bobblehead,” or “You’re getting too skinny, I don’t like that.” It’s ridiculous that females can’t support one another b/c of jealousy.
My dad criticized my weight for my entire youth so I thought he would be happy for my lifestyle change. But now all he does is criticize what I eat and how I won’t eat certain things that make me sick. It was confusing for a long time until I realized he was jealous of my changes.
I don’t know that I would call it jealousy. I think it’s probably much more complex than that. It really isn’t that she was jealous, it’s just that people make friends and relationships based upon some very strange internal factors. When that “balance of power” changes, then you aren’t that person anymore.
I watched this play out with my Mom over the years. Her self-esteem couldn’t handle being friends with any one on the same “level” as she was – she had to pick someone “lesser” to befriend.
roxie´s last fabulous musings ..Powerless Over People- Places and Things
I think for some people seeing another achieve any kind of goal makes them feel uncomfortable , mainly because they are often struggling with motivation for some goal of their own . Success in another can make some focus on their own failures. My own experiences with weight loss were not negative ones, but instead a rather shocking reaction. When I reached 100 lbs lost , my own family would constantly congratulate me , and they would invite me over to show me off to extended family, long lost friends and so on. It made me feel like a piece of meat instead of a person ! I was still the same person, but now the entire focus was on my physical form and it felt like I had landed on a new and uncomfortable planet. With my in-laws, I suddenly found myself receiving odd attention from a few brothers in law, and my sisters in law started asking me to go clothes shopping with them, to go get manicures, make overs and many girly things that I simply do not enjoy doing. It was as if the world suddenly saw me as a human body and completely forgot that I had a brain, emotions, different interests and so on. I did a lot of reflecting about it , and all it served to do was to remind me how important the health aspects of this journey are. Appearance can be gotten from quick fixes ( drastic unsafe weight loss methods) but appearance can be very deceiving. We are still the same person , and that person must be fueled by a healthy, functional body. If not, the world will devour you in big and small ways.
Diane´s last fabulous musings ..Perhaps a personal goal
I suspect (without any more knowledge than what you’ve given) that she didn’t want a “rival”, in the broadest sense of the word. Fat Diane probably made her look really good,Slim Diane less so.
NewMe´s last fabulous musings ..Yes- They Are Different
I had a very similar situation with a friend. We joined Weight Watchers together and she quit after a couple of months and gained back her lost weight.
We continued to walk together a days a week and she would go on and on about another friend of hers who looked so great after losing weight on WW but she never mentioned anything about my 49 pound loss! She just wouldn’t acknowledge it.
It was very hurtful and eventually we stopped being friends.
If she was a true friend she would have supported me and celebrated my success.
I have fortunately not experienced this…yet. I am so sorry that it caused you and your friend to split, but sometimes life just does that, you know?
I have to admit I am a little fearful of what my husband is going to do when I get to goal, he’s joked a few times about getting jealous if guys start looking at me, etc., and it makes me wonder if things will change there with us. I certainly hope not!
Pam´s last fabulous musings ..Hump Day Half Talk – The Abbreviated Version
Thanks for writing about this topic, Diane! It’s one for which big losers are rarely emotionally prepared, including me.
This was by far the most unexpected and disappointing part of my 130-pound weight loss — the negative reactions of many of my (former) female friends — and I found out in short order who among them were my true friends.
It’s funny how my men friends were complimentary and positive (but not overly effusive), but the majority of my women friends, many of whom I’d considered close, found opportunities to make back-handed and downright unkind remarks. Then I noticed that they started neglecting to invite me to traditional gatherings.
I think the whole dynamic shifted between us — it was okay for me to be smart and funny and fun to be around, as long as I was also fat, because then I presented zero threat to them (what I was supposed to be threatening, I have yet to understand). But losing weight apparently put me on equal footing with all of them, although I’d always considered myself their equal. So that in itself was a tough revelation to process — that these folks obviously thought less of me when I had the extra weight.
The weight loss also brought me a lot of (not necessarily wanted) attention from both sexes (although not necessarily romantic), and this didn’t sit well at all for some of my fem-friends.
One incident I’ll never forget is seeing an old girlfriend’s reaction when we met up at the wedding of a mutual friend — the look on her face when she saw me was one of sheer anger and disgust, something that just floored me. I quickly went up to her and chit-chatted like old times, trying to put HER at ease, because I wanted her to still like me, in spite of my changed appearance! Bizarre, huh?
Anyway, in my ensuing social isolation from most of these gals, I tried to pick apart how things broke down. Was I being too confident now (read: annoying)?? Actually, I felt less need to be loud after losing weight. I also steered clear of debates and arguments about what choices worked and which were unhealthy — I was a walking advertisement of what worked for ME, and discussions like that lead no where. I did remember that these same women who were unhappy with the “new” me hadn’t cheered me on with much that I had accomplished that had nothing to do with weight loss, such as finishing two degrees, landing cool jobs, etc.
It wasn’t an easy decision, but these insecure and competitive detractors are no longer a part of my life. It’s been a painful readjustment because it’s had an impact on mutual friendships, too, so there’s been some peripheral fallout. But I really think such social realignments are part of the aging process in general, and figuring out if a shared history with a friend is actually enough to keep the relationship alive is part of that. It’s impossible to grow into the people we’re meant to be if we’re busy trying to make sure that others are okay with our changes, instead of making sure we’re okay.
One quote I love that is exactly about this topic is by Mark Twain: “Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great ones make you feel that you, too, can be great.” I’m glad to say that I have at least a few of such friends!
I also agree that the different ways I’m treated (better) as a result of the weight loss are sometimes offensive to me because I lived through being treated poorly (by strangers — folks in passing, cashiers, etc., etc.) for no other reason than because I was overweight. It’s a very disorienting experience, and I wish I’d found this blog and others like it that I’ve been reading much earlier in my own process.
I also want to comment on Vickie’s reply — just because a person regains weight doesn’t mean that they haven’t changed inside — you contradict yourself when you say that EVERY experience makes us learn and grow, which is absolutely true. I found your comments rather unsupportive and judgmental.
This is actually my feelings with several people in my life, unfortunately, mainly family. My mum is brilliant, but not one of my sister in laws has had anything nice to say even when my brother said “that’s not my sister” and was being very enthused about my weight loss, my sister in law didn’t even acknowledge it. Unfortunately I’m stuck with family
Big_mummy´s last fabulous musings ..Treading the path
How very hurtful of her, I am sorry she behaved that way
I am so blessed, I haven’t had a single negative comment from friends or family, they are all wonderful and supportive. Granted, maybe as I resume losing again and get down further it will change, but in general the sorts of people I am closest to would not air a negative comment, even if they thought it! Having support and cheerleaders is something I have been so fortunate with! It would hurt me badly if they began to criticize my success, given how important it is to me.
Taryl´s last fabulous musings ..Weigh in
I hope you kicked this so called friend to the curb. No need to take that from anyone
When I first lost weight I got A LOT of people telling me I was too thin. That’s not very nice either. I was 10 pounds away from being in the unhealthy level for thinness. Anyway, I do have a friend who I can not talk to about health or weight loss. It makes her mad. She is overweight herself. Also, whenever I go out to eat with a group of people and chose a healthy option, they have to say something about it. The most recent, “You actually eat that vegan crap?!”
HATE THAT.
And yes, it’s surprising who is behind you and who resents you. Boo.
fittingbackin´s last fabulous musings ..8 Miles- Bedroom Switcharoo- New Book- Impossible
So sad. Especially that so many people have similar stories. It is true. It has happened so often.
The funny thing is that most people do not seem to know that they are doing this.
JourneyBeyondSurvival´s last fabulous musings ..Panic
That stinks. Most of my friends think I’m crazy with my racing, but none of them are mean spirited with it. At least to my face, hehe. During the weight loss process everyone was pretty supportive too. Not necessarily on board with healthy eating or exercise, but definitely got the “good jobs”.
Quix´s last fabulous musings ..Sweet and Twisted Tri
I want to respond to Colleen’s comment — in the past, I, too, have been one of those jealous souls upon seeing someone (a friend, even Oprah!) lose weight, and I have secretly smiled at some folks’ failures, but these have been momentary impulses, and I’d like to think it’s human nature to have a knee-jerk reaction on par with “So, what does that mean for ME?” Outwardly and truly, I’m glad when my friends succeed at something that they have worked hard to achieve, and my heart aches a little when they fail, especially if they display any shame over it — I don’t want my friends to hurt! So, you’re NOT alone, and you’re an exceedingly good friend to not only figure out your own stuff, but to repair your friendship by talking things out and, presumably, becoming closer for it. Good on you!
It would be unrealistic to think that relationships won’t change when one person changes, but when people try to sabotage someone’s efforts or denigrate them, it’s a huge red flag that there’s something wrong, and it takes honesty and bravery like Colleen’s to own up to the mixed-up and hurtful words and deeds that some people come out with. I’m not sure I buy one commenter’s remark that such people don’t even know it — I think they know what they’re feeling, which is unhappy for themselves, but maybe they don’t know that they just said what they were feeling out loud!
Ouch, I’m sorry for you to have to have gone through that while you were losing your weight. I have a very close friend who has been with me through thick and thin (both of us). It’s a much easier relationship, though, when we’re both on track at the same time. I think jealousy/envy plays a part, certainly. I’m rooting hard for her to climb up on the wagon again.
ahhh, I have a very good friend who is very supportive. I started MUCH HEAVIER than her. I am passing her with the weight loss. I don’t want to talk about my weight now because I know it must hurt to hear it. Even when she is supportive I can sense frustration. Sometimes being a good friend is not ‘rubbing it in.”
Many times you have to delete unhealthy relationships. It’s too bad many don’t just get happy and supportive when something goes good in someone else s life.
Sometimes people are afraid to see someone else making positive changes. I’m not sure why – random speculation to follow:
maybe it makes them more aware of facets of their life they are unhappy with but for whatever reason are not prepared to tackle.
And of course, they have to adapt to the “new” you and may bristle at the notion. When I became more interested in health I had certain friends bemoan the loss of me being their go-to person for indulging certain habits – drinking, overdoing dessert, eating junkfood at restaurants, other bingey stuff. When you do that stuff with someone else as a shield it seems more social and less of an issue.
If someone is pursuing a goal, it can be difficult to witness by someone who may have no concrete goals in focus at the time. As I say, this is all miscellaneous speculation but I’ve detected similar disinterest/undermining behaviour from come people I’d automatically expected would support me…
Hunter´s last fabulous musings ..under the dome
Are you still friends with this person?
This sounds exactly like my story. I lost many friends in my journey to lose 100+ pounds. The one that hurts the most is my cousin. We were best friends our whole life. She moved out of the country for about 4 years–and in that time I lost 110 pounds. She never ONCE told me that I looked great, she never once said “GOOD JOB” or “I’m proud of her.” People I barely knew would come up to me and tell me how fantastic I look, but she never said a word.
The other friends were clearly not friends. They started out being supportive of my weight loss. But as I lost more and transformed myself, I became a different person. I wanted to eat healthy. I became an ATHLETE (big surprise to me!). I recently ran the Hood to Coast Relay Race. I got lots of back-handed, snide, hurtful comments regarding that. People acted like a 200 mile relay RUNNING race was not a big deal. It was a huge deal for me.
Needless to say, the friends who were hurtful are no longer in my life. My life is full and I’m happy and healthy. There’s no room for negativity or hatred.
Lisa´s last fabulous musings ..Super September Goals
I can totally relate, but the trouble one is my sister in law. I decided was time for a change because I was close to hit the 200 pounds. She started to make rude comments. The other day I was eating blueberries and she accused me that I was eating chocolate. Why you are losing weight? You are going to gained all back and more, exercise is for idiots, skinny girls look sick, if you don’t eat enough you will die, you look sick…etc. I was 18 pounds down for that time, she went on a vacation and now I’m 35 pounds lighter. She is back and I’m afraid she is going to start the snide remarks and rude comments, but is her problem, not mine.
I am seeing a common theme through most of these replies to Diane’s blog entry. I just want to throw this out there to all who are struggling with having a friend or family member making negative comments…if this is a relationship that you value, please don’t throw it out the window because the person is currently making you feel bad by their words and/or jealousy. Make a date or appointment with this person and bring this out into the open verbally! They may or may not know what they are doing and may even know that it’s making you feel bad, but if you say it out loud in a loving way, like, “I love you and you are important to me. I need your support in order to keep my commitment to a healthy lifestyle and want you to know that when you say this or that, it makes me feel bad and that you don’t love me back. Can we talk about this?” It may not always work, but it concerns me that many people seem to want to throw away friendships if something is going badly rather than trying hard to work it out and give the person a chance to change. What do you have to lose?