Some women are fiercely private about the contents of their purses. My mother-in-law was like that when my husband was a little boy, and he still remembers her saying, “Get out there! That’s my purse.” I’ve never been like that about my purses, but my closet is a different story.
Not for the reasons you might suspect, but rather because my closet was always my secret pantry. Growing up in a home with controlling parents, food was the one thing they couldn’t control, especially once I got a driver’s license. I was more than happy to volunteer to run errands because that meant I could stop by the convenience store on the way home and stock up on candy, chips, and Little Debbie snack cakes.
When I got home, I had to have someplace to hide my stash, so I’d head directly to my room and store my food in my closet. I’d shove the bags, boxes, and candy bars into an old pillowcase, safe from prying eyes and hands.
I still remember the day I came home from school to find my mother standing in front of my closet. I panicked. “What’s going on?” I said, trying to stay calm.
“I’m looking for my green blouse that you borrowed, but I can’t seem to find it,” she said. Shouldering in front of her, I stood protectively in front of the closet.
“I’ll find it and bring it to you,” I assured her. The minute she left the room I reached my hand into the pillowcase just to make sure my food was all still there. Relieved, I located the blouse and returned it to her, happy that my secret was still safe. I thought I was fooling everyone, but weight gain is impossible to hide.
Eventually, even with a fairly high activity level, I began putting on weight. I could feel my pants starting to get tighter and tighter, and my pencil skirts wouldn’t fit over my hips anymore. But that didn’t stop me from adding to and visiting my secret stash of food. No, I just borrowed clothes from bigger friends, or bought new clothes with my babysitting money.
I had a problem with food from the time I was in high school, if not before. My Secret Closet wasn’t the problem, my desire for high-fat, sugar-laden food was the problem.
My closet eating was only a symptom, and the solution? Bring the food out into the open, look the bag of M&M’s in the eye, and say, “I’m only eating you when other people are around.” That’s what I did once I began trying to lose half of myself. When we did have foods that were hard for me to control myself around, I’d leave it right in plain view, so everyone knew how much there was, and where it all went.
Bringing the food out of the closet helped me on several different levels.
- It showed me that I could have control over my choices.
- It showed me I wasn’t devoid of willpower
- It showed me that I wasn’t a failure
I’d encourage you to think about food habits that you have which you might be tempted to hide from other people. Bring that food habit into the open, look it in the eye, and declare your victory over it. I wasn’t always successful at keeping food in the open, but over time, I learned to resist the urge to return to the closet, and keep my bad food habits away from prying eyes.
Are there any food habits you need to get out of the closet? Or do you need to get food itself out of the closet? Either way, you can be successful, and gain control over all of your food choices, both seen and unseen! Diane
I LOVE this post, Diane.
Anything we hide becomes stronger and more empowered the longer we keep it from the light.
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I was nodding my way through this post! Yes, I did all of those things. This was also one of the issues we spent quite a bit of time on in my life coaching classes. I’m finally learning to let go of this behavior and it’s incredibly liberating and empowering! I feel as if *I* have escaped from the closet!
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I saw a Heavy show Diane where one of the people on it, a lady, hid food in her closet & then continued to do that at the facility yet she could not see she was doing something that harmed her. Yes, I am with Miz!
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Wow Diane, you inspire me so much with your writing ability! I too was a secret eater all my life until I lost my weight. Now I am not embarrassed to eat in front of anyone.
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Oh Diane, all teary reading this one. My closet was my pantry too. I used to dread coming home from staying at my Dad’s place on the weekend, fearing my Mum had found all the wrappers. I remember coming home one time and all the “evidence” laid out on my bed. I felt like a real criminal. Only now 20 years later I’ve lost the urge to hide away every time I eat something.
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It’s these ultra personal posts you write that encourage me so much. Yes, I’ve struggled with this myself and tracking my food has really become a way for me to put it all out in the open.
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I didn’t used to just hid food in the closet, I used to hide in the closet and eat the food.
Now I keep the food out in the open, but I’ve found that I’m the only one who notices how much is gone (unless it’s all gone). I’m working to get to the point where I don’t care how much is gone either.
I use to hide Betty Crocker Vanilla frosting in my closet….with food coloring to make it festive and a spoon. When I have an impulse for frosting I always know that something is really up!
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I once read that it was a warning sign anytime you hid food. Been there and done that.
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This so so true. I would “help” grocery shopping. I always bought double of the snacks to hide in drawers and my dad never checked the receipt…they were his snacks.
My secret eating is stealing an extra tablespoon or 6 of peanut butter when making sandwiches or buying a cookie when I shop for groceries. They are all done when no one is around. I’ve had to work on this to get it under control.
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I was a food hoarder as a teen, too! Your solution is brilliant, though I do not do it now it might help my self control to implement a ‘eat junk only in the presence of my family, to keep me honest’ policy around here.
I don’t even know exactly why I hoarded junk under my bed, as it wasn’t a forbidden item in my house, and yet I felt shame anyway. Hmm…
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Thanks for sharing your story! It’s really courageous to not only confront those issues, but to write about them as well.
My bad food habits are thinking that eating one “bad” food is going to cause me to gain 5 pounds. Totally unrealistic, but yet I still think that way sometimes.
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Growing I had a similar problem and I also hid me candy in a pillow case.. which I guess is kind of funny when you think about it!
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I so much want to teach my kids to not sneak foods, etc. as I did growing up. I just started an experiment with our family in hopes for us all to have a good relationship with all types of food. There’s a lifetime (mine) of thinking I have to undo so history doesn’t repeat itself with my kids.
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Ugh, mine started young too with my drawers and closet. Basically, my mom would buy treats, and then they’d be GONE before anyone could eat them because she’d eat the entire carton of ice cream etc. because it was there. So I took to buying my own junk food and hiding it in my room.
I still find to this day that I’ll wait until people are out of the room or not looking to nibble on a snack. It’s not like the calories are any different – ugh. It’s been one of the toughest things to break.
I have eaten in just about every room of my house, including bathrooms and closets. My car was also my own personal restaurant, thanks to drive-thrus. All of that has to change when we make the decision to do something about our obesity and compulsive overeating. I’m so much better about this, but the car…occasional lapses…working on it!
This is some great advice. The people you surround yourself with plays a big role as well. If the people you are with are all about eating and it doesn’t matter what they eat, that can cause you to not care either and go for it. Unless you have the will power to resist. Most of the time it is not what we eat, but how much. Adding exercise to a healthier diet can make a world of difference in people looking to lose weight. Great post.
THis is pretty powerful. It gave me a lot to think about.
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