No matter what size you are, there are always shopping experiences that you wish you could erase from your mind. Male or female, fat or thin, sometimes it all goes wrong.
One of the many bad experiences that stands out in my mind was a shopping experience John and I had a few months after the birth of our first daughter. Unfortunately for me, I gained 74 pounds during my pregnancy with her, which began my odyssey from overweight into obesity. But, I digress.
After her birth I had no clothes that fit me except maternity clothes. I wore those clothes home from the hospital, for the next two weeks, two months and then I realized that I wasn’t getting any smaller. The weight wasn’t just falling off me like I had seen my friend’s weight do after they had children. Instead, I had already started gaining weight again.
This posed a wardrobe problem. I was a size 14/16 before her birth, and there was no way any of those clothes were going to fit. So, John and I went shopping for a few things to “tide me over” until the weight started falling off.
We got to the department store, and John started picking out some pants, shirts and jumpers in the regular sized department. Never having been a “plus size” before, I didn’t really understand that I was very soon going to encounter a problem. I went into the dressing room, and put on the first pair of size 16 pants. No go. Hmmm. I tried on the size 16 jumper and it got stuck up around my armpits. I wiggled around trying to get that thing off. The shirt was the next futile attempt – wouldn’t fit over my shoulders.
I was stuck in the dressing room. I didn’t know what to do. How could I go out and tell John that none of those big girl clothes fit me? I could hear our daughter starting to make little baby noises and knew I had to do something. So, I put back on my maternity pants and shirt, and walked out of the dressing room.
He smiled and said, “Did you like them?” I looked at him and softly said, “None of them fit. They were too tight.” Good husband that he was, he just cheerfully said, “Well, maybe we should try some of those clothes over there.” He pointed, and I realized he was pointing at the PLUS-SIZED section. If I used bad language, I would have used it then. But instead, I just said, “Okay.”
So together we selected some of the less ugly outfits and back I went into the dressing room to try those clothes on. Through some trial and error I found that I was a size 22/24 and even those were a bit tight. But, I reasoned I was going to lose that baby weight soon, and then those ugly pants, long knit shirts and horrible jumpers could be donated to Goodwill. We left the store with the beginnings of a plus-sized wardrobe. I also left the store with a feeling I had never experienced before when it came to my appearance. Utter despair.
I loved my first baby, loved my husband, but hated myself. I experienced a self-loathing that was so intense I still can feel it. I couldn’t believe that I had allowed myself to get so big that I had to buy plus-sized clothes, and I couldn’t understand why I wasn’t losing weight like all my friends had. I also didn’t admit to myself that my eating was out of control, I hadn’t moved my body in years, and that self-sabotage was part of my internal vocabulary.
So many times I wish that had been the tipping point for me. That I would have gotten serious about my weight problem and fixed it. But instead I kept gaining weight and gaining weight. For the next many years I struggled with weight gain, until I was morbidly obese. The dressing room is not fun, and for me the mirrors revealed a part of myself that I wasn’t ready to face. I wonder what you feel when you look in the dressing room mirror. I hope the feelings are more positive than mine were. . .
Have you ever wanted to avoid the dressing room? Diane
I clearly remember back in 2003 going shopping for a new wardrobe for myself (teenaged kids tagging along). I went to my favourite store and picked out a size larger than I had traditionally worn because I knew I had gained some. Nothing fit. The sales lady brought me a size larger. Nothing. And another size larger. Nothing. It was the largest size they carried and I was too fat. So there I was, in front of a mirror that wasn’t doing me any favours, watching my ego die a wretched death. This was the moment that I realized I was fat. I left the store in tears (even my teenagers noticed and teens aren’t known for their perceptiveness).
I’ve been trying to lose weight ever since. 8 years. Yes, I’ve lost a few sizes and I can shop in that store again, and yes I’m finally at that one size larger than my traditional size but I will NEVER forget that awful moment I realized that I was fat.
I have no desire to be skinny. I don’t expect that at 45 I can or want to be a size 10 again. I didn’t like the way my body looked when I hit a ‘healthy’ bmi years ago– I was scrawny and promptly got quite sick. In fact, I look pretty decent right now at a bmi of 27. But every time I walk past that store it all comes back. I actually haven’t bought anything there in years.
Barb
Oh, many times. Many times.
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Oh yes.
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I always seemed to avoid the dressing room, buying food instead of clothes, b/c I always wanted to be a “smaller size” when I bought my clothes. I wore my older clothes over and over, b/c I didn’t want to spend the money on buying the new ones, waiting to be a different size. It never happened. There were times that I would end up having to get something, and it usually made me feel worse, a crying session, and most likely getting food to make me feel better. I’d like to say that it was a wake-up call for me too, but it didn’t happen.
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I remember when I was 18 and I had to buy some clothes for a wedding.
I went to a “normal” store, and the clothes of size 16 were too tight. So my mother decided that I must go to a big sized store. That was the worse day in my life in the dressing room. I entered there and the girl of the store told me that I was thin to go there. She gave me clothes of size 16 (the same size as in the “normal” store) and she said me that they were too big for me. I put a t-shirt and it was like a big dress. I put some trousers that must be tight and I could fit two times there!
After a couple of years, I still don’t know where to find “real” size 18 clothes… and each time I have to go to buy some clothes is a very, very, very bad day! Still in my size 12!
This is so familiar except that when I had the moment of realizing how big I had let myself get, I was unable to wear plus sizes at any store. I have to special order things from catalogs like Roaman’s and Woman Within. I couldn’t go into a store and try on anything for many year. There was nothing there that would fit me. Now, I am pleased that I can walk into almost any store and find something I like that fits. I still hate dressing rooms though and always fear that my choice will be too small.
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Last year I somehow ballooned from my comfortable “22″ (which in my mind, I hated… until….) to a 26. I don’ tknow when it happened or how it happened, but I remember going shopping (which I had clearly avoided for a while) and poof, nothing fit. I had to have dear husband exchange everything for a larger size. then still larger. I just sat and cried in there.. He just sat out there patiently waiting and we left with a few pants and tops, and I cried the whole way home. I think that was almost my turning point though. I realized this had to change, and I joined a bootcamp and starting making changes. While I’m still a solid 24, I’m creeping back down and back on the right track.
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I can only imagine how many people relate to this post Diane! Even now, I sometimes dislike those mirrors! Although, I don’t do a lot of shopping these days & am one not to buy that much anyway… but yes, I think we have all felt this way at times!
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I’m always “surprised” by just how big the mirrors “make” my backside look.
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Oh my gosh, I am 42 and its only been since losing my weight going on 3 years this July that I have had very pleasurable experiences in the dressing room. Lately, however, my dress pants are getting tighter and that is not enjoyable. Its a sure sign that I am doing something wrong.
Great post Diane!
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Quite honestly, I have often felt like having a cocktail or two before going clothes shopping… I hate it with a passion!
You write that story really well! I’ve never had fun in a dressing room. Ever.
I’m so glad you commented on my blog because I might not have found you otherwise. I like the way you talk about this journey and I find your site really inspiring.
That’s what I need right now.
thanks!
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Oh wow, the horror of dressing rooms! And that realization that you just can’t fit in normal sized clothing. I remember how embarrassing it was for me the first time I walked into Lane Bryant, but I really desperately needed some clothes that fit. And the first time I tried a size 20, oh my! It’s so painful.
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gosh…I totally agree…my son is a toddler now…I had always been overweight after stopping breastfeeding is when i started to become too huge…i used to eat so much justifying that i would get enough milk only if i eat well…now i just am not able to control myself…i recently jurned 30 and totally realise how unhealthy i am…at this rate i hav no chance of a long life to see my son grow..i hav a loving husband, he sees the problem, he encourages me like crazy to get to the gym and reduce…i read a lot of weight loss blogs, you guys are such a inspiration but when i see food, im just not able to control myself…even if i stop getting junk food, i m like crazy to eat something unhealthy, say lots of jam on a single slice of bread..im well educated, i totally understand my scenario, 1 min i tell myself i hav to b healthy, next min im stuffing myself with food…i hate myself….i read your blogs everyday, i read the archives, i just hope i get going soon…