The layers of fat, the pounds you hate, the less than attractive clothing and the lowered self-esteem may be causing you to push things out of your life. As I think back to my 10 years of obesity, I realized that I pushed a lot of things away – much to my detriment.
- I pushed away friends and avoided social encounters because I didn’t feel as though I was worthy of the interactions.
- I sat silent in meetings and group events for fear of calling attention to my 300-pound self.
- I declined the opportunity to be part of things I enjoyed, such as being a member of a book club or a mom’s group at church.
- I didn’t volunteer to do anything because I felt as though I was no longer competent.
- I avoided developing deeper relationships with those people I didn’t push away for fear that if they know how I felt about myself – they wouldn’t want to be friends with me any longer.
The pushing away phenomena developed gradually as my weight ballooned. However, over time, I looked around and realized just how isolated and alone I had caused myself to feel. I wasn’t a good feeling.
I wallowed in self-pity and aloneness for a long time without sharing my feelings with anyone. When I finally lost the weight, I didn’t magically begin to join things, make new friends and change my personality. For me, the adjustment to being a smaller size too time, and losing some of the fear took time as well.
Honestly, I do have a lot of regrets during my time of being obese, and pushing people, activities and relationships away is one of them. Unlike some of you – I didn’t have the self-confidence to be a “happy, jolly, overweight person.” After regaining my physical health, I had to make an effort to regain a sense of who I was now that I had lost the weight.
It took some time, but I did relearn how to take advantage of social opportunities, reconnect with friends and stop pushing everything away.
As you journey down your path, I’d encourage you to analyze whether you have pushed things and people away from you because of your weight, and commit to not letting your weight keep you away from participating in activities you enjoy.
Have you ever thought that your weight makes it easy to push things away from yourself? Diane
Clothes were my biggest problem in not attending things. Shoes in particular – the only thing I could wear was athletic shoes.
So, yes, picture my terrible jumpers and athletic shoes with socks. . .also really bad glasses and a bad haircut.
On the way down the scale I had my ears repierced and started wearing great jewelry, found a very good hair stylist, got/wore contemporary/cute glasses, started wearing real clothes and great shoes (I found ones that worked with my inserts). I pretty much What Not to Weared myself. And it made a big difference.
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I so agree with this Diane & like you, even after weight loss, the lack of self-esteem get me from people & doing things. Very hard to learn to accept yourself so you can move on..
Jody – Fit at 53´s last fabulous musings ..Do Looks Matter
There are many things that can lead to a continual constriction in our live, and problems with our weight certainly are one of them! As with any of those issues it is important that we push back and expand to live life to the fullest that we can! Thank you, Diane, for setting such a great example for others in showing that it can be done!
I was the same as you about pushing people away. I became a sort of recluse and now that the weight is gone I find myself struggling to enter the world again. It is a little nit more complicated for me though. Before my surgery I was diagnosed with Schizoaffective Disorder. Now that I’ve had surgery, I’m malabsorbing some of my medications and the mood part of my disorder is unstable. it is very difficult to think about going out into the world and socializing. All of this is not weight loss related of course, but it is a factor. I’m hoping to be able to go out more and make friends. I had cut almost everyone out of my life just before I decided to do something about my weight.
Karen Ogle´s last fabulous musings ..The Battle Isnt Over
I had major social anxiety when I was obese that led to a major drinking problem in order to have some “fake” self confidence. With alcohol, I was a social butterfly (on a self destructive path of course) but without it, I avoided any sort of new situations because I didn’t know what to say/do and had no confidence in myself. I am with you when you say that even after losing the weight, you couldn’t just jump into things. It totally has taken me time as well and still is a struggle, but I force myself. It never ceases to amaze me how much those of us who have been on this journey can really relate to one another!
I think I have done some pushing away. I’m not sure because most of my weight came after having three children, and I was just plain tired and didn’t want to add anything else to my mental plate (food plate was a different story).
I DO notice I’m surprised when people befriend me, especially if they are healthy-sized and attractive. I think, “Why would they want to be seen with me?” It’s dumb to think that because they aren’t shallow people, and I’m a friendly person that’s loyal and honest. It just enters my head, though.
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I have never had that experience, but my best freind lost 300 lbs if anything she got more confident and wonderful. I swear if she could walk around naked she would. I think her fanstaic attitude helped a lot
I know I pushed away beach trips and pool days – anything to not be in a swim suit!
fittingbackin´s last fabulous musings ..My Cardio Evolution- New Meatless Recipe- Visit to Auburn
I was overweight most of my life and that was my ultimate excuse for not doing anything, until i said “no more”. it didn’t happen over night, and i had to struggle, but now when i’m thin and lean, i can see how easy it’s for me to say yes to social events.
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From what I see on some blogs, it seems that people use the weight to push bad things away, but the good things get pushed away along with them. It’s a matter of what hurts more: letting some of the bad things in close where you have to deal with them, or missing out on the good things. I don’t know.
I think it’s important to realize that these reactions are not unique to weight-issues. Non-weight-related anxiety or depression or self-esteem can also have a similar effect on people.
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I can identify with the not wanting to volunteer. At 312 pounds I knew I would be the biggest one in the room-so I missed out on a lot of field trips and other ‘school’ outings with my kids.
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You described me to a “T”. When you’re overweight, you don’t want to be exposed and scrutinized. Since my recent weight gain, I’m falling back into that mode.
It’s so hard to feel good about yourself when society and even loved ones treat you different because of obesity. I learned to love myself, and came to see the beauty of my spirit and body when I was still very fat. I bought beautiful night gowns in satin and silk, realized I was more than a clothing size. Much more.
Thanks for your thoughtful post. Interesting comments, too.
I’m about 125 pounds lighter now, and I have stopped pushing away the inner parts of myself that needed a voice. Giving all of me a say in life has been most liberating!
HopefulandFree´s last fabulous musings ..the weight loss part- part two
There were so many things I pushed away and never participated in through my younger years. I wish I had the confidence I have now back then.
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Yes, this is so true. One does push away meaningful encounters with people for fear of being judged. I remember turning down a movie with a friend (a budding friendship), because I was afraid of not being able to turn down popcorn/coke at the movies – and what they might think of me for eating it. So silly.
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I’ve never experienced this when I was obese. I always did stuff because social interactions are so important to me. I do know that some activities like bungee jumping or skydiving, is something I could not have done when I was obese, so perhaps that can qualify of what you’re talking about.
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Another great post, Diane. I am just starting to realize how my weight has affected my life in so many ways. I am seeing how I have pushed some people away, always feeling not good enough or that they weren’t really trying to befriend me but wanted to make fun of me, etc. I am starting to realize that I am worth it. My opinion does matter. I don’t need to be afraid and to sit in the corner unnoticed. But this is just now coming up- 2 1/2 years after I started losing weight. It really is a process.
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I definitely avoid some things because of my weight. For one, I find myself occasionally tempted to avoid some social events because I don’t want to face the unhealthy food temptation. I also find it to be emotionally challenging to go clothing shopping with my normal sized friends. I find myself sometimes wondering what people are thinking of me. Luckily, for the most part, I have forced myself to still do these things, but I find that often my heart it is not in it, and I find myself using most of my energy to fight the tears that come from knowing how different I am.
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I used to not ever try on the fashionable clothing because I thought that cute clothing did not apply to me, even if the size actually did fit. Part of it was the fat, but part of it was the attitude too.
I pushed away certain things too, I still do more now than before. Strange ha? I avoid a lot of socializing because I don’t want to eat off my plan. I also don’t want to give up my exercising time. Having to work full time the only time I have is after work. I’ve taught people not to bother me and sometimes that gets lonely.
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