The word isolation has a lot of negative associations. The first one that came to my mind was that of isolating the sick from the well. The unhealthy from the healthy.
As my weight ballooned up from 200 to 250 and from 250 to 300 pounds I often found myself living in social isolation. True, I had a loving husband, two small children, and a sprinkling of friends and family, but my social world was shrinking day by day.
In some ways I isolated myself. The bigger I got, the less willing I became to interact with new people. I vividly remember having a near panic attack when John asked me to come to his office for a work celebration. “I can’t,” I cried. “What will people think of me?” And so I didn’t go, but instead stayed home on the appointed day baking batch after batch of chocolate chip cookies. I ate all the cookies but six. When John came home from work he said, “Oh, you made cookies. Where are the rest of them?” I looked at him and said, “I accidentally burned a few batches so this is all that’s left.” He looked at me. He knew the truth. I knew the truth.
I stopped attending social activities at church or school. Instead of going I’d send John with the children, begging off with some lame excuse such as, “I’m just really tired today.” He always encouraged me to go but I dug my heels in and refused. So I’d stand in the doorway of our house waving to them as he backed the van out of the driveway to take the girls on an adventure I should have been participating in. I just couldn’t face the stares and humiliation that I often felt so I stayed home.
Days would go by with the phone standing silent like a sentry in front of a military installment. No one called to chat. I called no one. My world shrank.
And with that shrinking world came an expansion of my food world. Not in quality foods but in the quantity of foods. I shoveled food in without even realizing I was overeating to compensate for loneliness. I gained more weight. I lost self esteem. I got bigger around the middle and my world shrank a little more.
By the time I got pregnant with my third child, I literally had two or three friends. That was it. Sure I knew a lot of people in town, but no one whom I would call if I needed a ride to the airport. (You know – airport friends – those people who would willingly get up at the crack of dawn to give you a ride to the airport across town!) I didn’t have many of those.
When I think of those years of my life I still am sad. Sad for myself, and sad for my family. Because of the choices I made to feed my soul with food rather than relationships I missed out on developing some valuable contacts. My children weren’t able to see me function as a vibrant mom who was always around to volunteer to chaperon trips or teach classes. I isolated all of us.
I take 100% responsibility for my own actions. No one was forcing food down my throat. No one explicitly told me I wasn’t welcome to volunteer for the committee, but I felt those messages in my heart just the same. I wish I could tell you that I worked on overcoming my isolation before I lost my weight but that wouldn’t be truth. No, I stayed isolated from those around me, insulating myself from possible hurt by getting fatter and fatter. It wasn’t until I began to lose the weight that I was able to come to terms with the full implications of my choice to isolate myself. It was a painful day when I realized that I had missed out on things because of my choice. But I did manage to put the pain behind me and move forward. It was a process though.
Where are you today? Have you ever experienced social isolation because of feelings about yourself? How do you handle those feelings? Or are you just a naturally self confident person regardless of the number on the scale?
I’d love for you to share your thoughts to encourage yourself and others. Diane
A very revealing post! You did a great job in writing this article. I believe that this emotions arise due to the depletion of a good self-esteem because of thinking about how you look and how people look at you. This article may be of greater benefit for someone like me who have been an obese girl since time immemorial.
Thank you for sharing your emotions and thoughts.
Anya Ty
I don’t think my weight have lead to Social isolation. Now that I have lost the weight, I still only have a few friends because I choose it this way. Just like I chose it when I was obese.
I do believe that some people who are obese, do suffer from social isolation. We all are different.
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In my case, I was fit first and then gained weight. When I gained weight, I was no longer the “weightlifter guy”, I was just one of the rest. It actually made me more social and more accepted within my social circles. Interestingly though, once I took my weigh off and got back in shape, I became even more social and my friends who weren’t in-shape didn’t push me away as they had when I was the fit, healthy one. They were able to see me as human….
I hear you on this Diane! When I was heavy, I really pulled away – did not want to go out at times or turned down things. I do think being overweight can lead to this… it is tough to get out when we don’t feel good about ourselves or are self-conscious.
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Oh this makes me so sad, you painted a very vivid picture and I can see you alone in your house with your family gone. Thank goodness you figured everything out and this is not still going on. What a loving and supportive husband you have. Although I wonder the stress if this lifestyle were still going on.
I am sure so many are in this position now and I so hope they find your words and realize their capability to change, for themselves as well as their families.
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I think there is a lot of truth behind your post. When I was younger and fit, I was always social, going out with friends and not afraid to do things. Then the weight slowly crept on and I was more shy and timid. Now that I have lost weight, I find myself more outgoing again.
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I don’t think my weight isolated me, but it certainly did cause me more unease in social situations than if I had been of a less ‘notable’ size. My social isolation is more a function of where I am in life than what I look like – I am very much isolated these days, due to the necessities of being at home and not overextending myself or the kids with too many outings and too much busyness. In that sense, I am both lighter than I was AND more isolated! And yet it isn a bad thing, just the stage I am in, versus the gregarious nature of college, where I happened to be both social and fat.
My point is that being uncomfortable in yor own skin can definitely contribute to social isolation, and that discomfort is the problem, more than the solitary nature is. Sometimes it isn’t the season for lots of social obligations, but it is NEVER the right season to look at yourself and feel unworthy of the attentions or affections of others. That’s the issue at hand and the one that so many folks need to work on.
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HI Diane, I definitely think there is alot of truth to your post. Depending on the person of course. Food for thought on a Monday morning. THanks as always for your wonderful posts. Have a great day.
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Yes yes and yes!!!
I really can relate to this post. I am so afraid of what others will think of me. Because the truth is, people see the outside first and the inside later. I have also found that I isolate myself for preservation purposes. I always feel like I have so much going on that it is hard to extend myself out to others in the outside world. I just don’t have the energy or the *want*.
Great post Diane! As usual, you make me think and inspire me!
~Kellie
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Everyone stares and you feel so insecure. It is TERRIBLE! Whether you isolate yourself OR no one wants to be friends with you…it stinks.
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Very thought provoking…as I thought about my own experiences, I was at first going to agree that being obese can be isolating, but I think on a deeper level, it’s depression that makes us isolate, and that depression can lead to obesity. So it is the obesity that makes us isolate or is the depression or (more likely) both…as it turns into a negative spiral. These days it seems that we want to blame everything on obesity when I think obesity is more a symptom than a cause…
Definitely! I isolated myself a lot, which contributed to the depression and overeating. It was a vicious cycle. I’d spend my weekends on the couch in front of the TV and be comfortable eating all day long. It was a hard cycle to break but I am so much happier after I changed that lifestyle.
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Thank you for sharing this.
I’ve never isolated myself, I am fairly social… but there are certain type of events I avoid.. particularly where one would have to dress up nicely.. I feel that is an absolute horror.
I have done this to myself many times! The worst part of all of it is I did it once, lost weight enjoyed so many new things then gained it back and isolated myself again! It is a sad thing that we do this but in some cases the world around us does it to us as well. To go shopping in average clothing stores etc. when nothing fits we are isolated from that place. So my answer is YES to your question on many levels!
Diane,
Thanks for sharing about this. Please keep in mind that when I was heavy, I was significantly overweight but not “obese” in terms of BMI–at least not according to US BMI tables (although I was obese by Japanese BMI tables–which is my genetic/ancestral heritage, which is probably why I had health issues.)
So I wasn’t embarrassed to be social when I was heavier, nor did I feel isolated. I actually am much LESS social now than I used to be when it comes to eating-centered socializing, especially since I’m working on losing some weight “creep.” I avoid pot lucks, with the exception of the work holiday pot luck we had, because they can lead easily to overeating. If a bunch of people want to go out where most of the food is thousand calorie salads and potato skins, I tend to find a reason not to go.
We’re going up to a winery for a Valentine’s Day wine dinner and I do plan to enjoy myself with good food and wine then, and I do go out with friends–I’m not a hermit. But I don’t eat socially on autopilot. If there are treats at fellowship time after church, I might have some fruit with my coffee. If there are store-bought cookies, I’ll pass them by. If there are home made cookies, I’ll eat half and take the other half for later.
I think weight loss and maintenance have to do with being deliberate about my eating choices and balancing life and food. Do I make poor choices sometimes when not out socially? Of course. But if I splurge and end up eating 1800 calories one day, I can eat a little less than maintenance the next day and/or exercise more to balance things out over the week.
I’m glad that losing weight has helped you live a more fulfilling life! God bless you for sharing your story and guidance with everyone.
So glad this sad story had a happy ending! Thanks for your honesty, I suspect you’re helping a lot of people who find themselves in this situation… to know that there is hope and that if they are isolated that things can get much better. You’re an inspiration!
It’s too bad that this happens, but that’s the way, it seems, humans are. From “clicks” in high school, then frats and sororities, and on and on, we tend to form groups. The sad thing is, I think, is these groups are based more on exclusion than inclusion. For what it’s worth, I’ve always turned down “belonging” if I felt the group was too exclusion oriented.
For me the answer is He11 YES! I found myself more imobile, more embarassed, less talkative, the bigger I got, the worse it got to the point where I was basically home bound.
I relate so much to what you posted. Thank you.
- Lisa
http://inweighovermyhead.blogspot.com/
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I think being obese, and the invisibility that comes with it, along with poor self-esteem did cause a lot of isolation for me. I haven’t recovered, and am not really sure how to do so anymore. The poor self-esteem remains, though I now look normal, my head is not there yet, may never be. It sucks, no bones about it. I expect people to react to me like they did when I was bigger, and don’t even try.
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I don’t believe that obesity will lead to social isolation. It’s all in the mind and it’s all a matter of how you perceive and deal with others. I have a lot of fat friends but they are the ones that are very friendly and true. How many obese friends are friendly so far?
I like your post! Gives people more enlightenment!
-Ariane
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Thank you for this post. It really made me think about how I have let my weight isolate me. I even blogged about it. Very though provoking.
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