The Hayride

November 3, 2009 By

At 300 pounds I didn’t really fit into social situations very well. I spilled over chairs. Got stuck in restaurant booths, and sat on the sidelines of life. As active members of our church John and I were involved in an adult class. Most of the other couples in our class had small children and we would often get together and celebrate holidays and events.

Getting left behind at one of those events made me so sad that I had to go to the car and have a little cry.

The season was fall. It was Florida so I can’t really say that the leaves were turning on the trees, but at least it wasn’t 90 degrees right then. The class decided that it would be a lot of fun to go to a church member’s farm and have a cookout and a hayride. My fat person antenne immediately went up. Hayride. I didn’t do hayrides. It wasn’t that I was allergic to the hay, or afraid I’d fall out. No, I knew I wouldn’t be able to haul my 300 pound self up into the wagon. No stinkin’ way.

So I tried everything I could to get out of going. I made up scary scenarios. I tried convincing John to go out of town. I said I didn’t have the right clothes (this was true.) But no go. The girls were thrilled to go on a hayride and cook hotdogs over the fire and mom was going with them.

So off we went. It was just as I expected. Unfcomfortable standing around trying to look like I wasn’t about ready to crush the hay bale I was sitting on. Laughing as yet another marshmallow fell into the fire, saying, “Well, I probably didn’t need that smore anyway.” But the worst part came when everyone piled into the wagon and left me standing there holding up the fence post. I volunteered to stay behind and clean up a bit because I really “didn’t like the smell of hay.”

John and my friends looked at me when I uttered those words. They must have known the truth but thankfully no one said anything. The wagon left me behind and I had to flee to the car to have a little cry. Once I fixed my make-up and got back to the cookout site I ate three bars of chocolate that someone had left sitting on a bale of hay. I was so sad.

Fast forward 3 years. Same scenario with one big difference. I had gone from 300 pounds to about 180 pounds. I had lost a whole person and couldn’t wait for the fall hayride and cookout. This time there was no stopping me. I was going to go on that hayride.

The wagon pulled up and I hopped up the high step with ease. I held onto the girls and our whole family enjoyed riding around the man’s farm. I felt like a new person. I had cute clothes on. I felt svelte. I felt energetic. I felt alive.

Not Left Behind!

It may sound like a trite experience to those of you who haven’t experienced extreme obesity, but believe me it wasn’t. Even though that hayride was a long time ago, it was one of those non-scale victories I’ll never, ever forget.

Have you had a good non-scale victory lately? Sometimes those non-scale victories are sweeter than the scale variety. They last longer and are indelibly seared on our memories.  Diane

Filed Under: goal setting, self esteem Tagged With: , ,

Finding Myself In Thinness

October 16, 2009 By

Last week  Michelle asked me this question in the comment section:

I would love a post about how you ‘found’ yourself in your thinness. I think that people freak out when they lose the weight and fill into their fat suit again. How did you start to recognise yourself?

I found this question absolutely fascinating. I have a huge list of possible topics for blog posts that I have jotted down over the past year or so, but this particular question hadn’t made it on my list.  Finding myself within my new found thinness. How did that feel?

What makes this question extra interesting to me is that it wasn’t just after the initial 150 pound weight loss that I had to find my thin self again, but also after the birth of the four children I had AFTER I had lost all the weight. So really, I had five chances to rediscover my thinness and feel comfortable with myself. (Not that I had 150 pounds to lose after those pregnancies, but I definitely had baby weight!)

But the initial drastic weight loss was the time that I had to work the hardest at not being afraid of my new body and attitude. I know we don’t like to talk about fear or worry, but it’s part of who we are. It’s how we handle the fears in our lives that matters, not whether or not we have fears. So there were some fears when I lost the weight and could fit into smaller sizes clothes, ride the roller coaster at Disney World, and swim in a public place.

Initially, I was so excited to be the size I had dreamed of for years, that there wasn’t a lot of fear. But there were times when I didn’t recognize myself. I’d catch a glimpse of my reflection in a store window and be surprised. I’d be washing my face and pull my hands away, surprised that I could feel the bones in my face, and sometimes I’d look at my hands and wrist and be startled how thin they were. And thin in a healthy way, not in an unhealthy way!

There was an adjustment period for me once I lost the weight. It probably took a year for me to stop being surprised at how I looked. It took a year or so for me to feel that I deserved to be healthy, fit, and active. I worked hard at putting the negative voices aside and usually succeeded. During that year, there were times when I wanted to eat a lot of chocolate. But I resisted. Why?

Because even with some of the uncomfortableness I was experiencing with my new self, I knew didn’t want to go back into the world of obesity. That’s really what it came down to for me. I didn’t want to go back. The desire to not go back was stronger than the fear and uncertainty of facing my new future. I could learn to live with the new Diane. I didn’t want to live with the old Diane again.

So as I stayed thin, continued to work out, and tried to make good life choices, I made a conscious effort to put any fears about not maintaining my weight aside, and really focus on life day by day.

In some ways, weight maintenance isn’t a lot different than weight loss. The doubts and fear can be there on both sides of the equation. But those doubts and fears can be handled by focusing on all the positive things that will happen as you get healthier and stay that way. 

As I was writing this I was thinking about the many of you whose blogs I read. Where are you today? Can you imagine how you will feel when you get where you are going? Any concerns that may make you want to not finish your journey? Any concerns that are strong enough to make you feel as though you may not be able to find yourself within your new thinness?  Diane

Filed Under: Appearance, Choices, emotions Tagged With: , ,

One Big Mistake

October 9, 2009 By

I was overweight/obese/morbidly obese for a decade. A decade is a long time. Four of my children haven’t even lived that long, and even my oldest child just turned 19 this past week. Ten years of weight struggles brought many, many fruitless attempts to lose weight.

As I was reading through blogs this week I realized that I occasionally see people making the same kinds of mistakes I did along my path. Sometimes those mistakes cause them much angst, and other times I see people putting their mistakes in perspective and moving on. I wish I could have been more like those people who take it  all in stride. They have the confidence in themselves to believe that although they messed up, they haven’t ruined their chances at improving their health and getting to a healthy weight.

I was thinking about some of the mistakes I made and as I was thinking about them, I kept coming back to the one mistake that I made every single time I tried to lose weight.

I didn’t believe I could really do it.

Many times I had joined Weight Watchers, started following the “diet of the month,” or committed to just doing better, but underlying all those attempts was the complete lack of confidence in myself. I’d start out with the best of intentions, but by day 4, 5 or 25 I had quit trying to get the scale to move under 300 pounds.

Sure I made mistakes like eating too much candy for breakfast (true), or failing to incorporate exercise into my day, but I may have been able to overcome those very common mistakes if I had really believed in myself.  I’d make a mistake and instead of being able to look at it as part of the process towards really changing my life, I felt like that one mistake was confirmation that I could not lose weight.  I was incapable of staying committed to a program and was destined to be fat.

I was wrong. One mistake doesn’t ruin anything. But not believing in myself could have.

That last time I lost weight I realized that there were a lot of things in my life I did well. Weight control was just one thing I hadn’t learned yet, but that didn’t mean I couldn’t learn a new lesson. I started with that thought: Weight control was just a new lesson to learn. Little by little I made progress, made mistakes that didn’t cause me to quit, and learned the new lesson. Confidence came slowly at first but success bred more confidence, until at last I knew I couldn’t fail. I could not fail. 

How do you feel when you see those words applied to yourself? I cannot fail. I cannot fail.

Where are you right this minute? Do you really believe in yourself?   Diane

Filed Under: emotions, Weight Loss Tagged With: ,

Trapped Inside Myself

October 5, 2009 By

Do you ever feel trapped in a body you don’t recognize anymore?  I did. As the pounds came on, and the layers of fat multiplied, I began to feel trapped inside myself.

It happened slowly. The first sign I was becoming lost inside myself was in my selection of clothing. Once I needed a size larger than an 18, I did everything in my ability to avoid buying clothes. Dressing room dilemmas, mumu dresses, stretch pants, and tunic style tops depressed me. The ensuing depression caused me to drown my dilemmas in mounds of chocolate and gallons of ice cream.

But clothing choices weren’t the only sign that I was losing myself. My social interactions began to suffer. I avoided meeting new people and instead retreated to the comfort and safety of a small circle of friends who didn’t seem to care whether I was fat or not.

My health suffered. Even though I was in my 20’s, I was always tired and listless. I had no energy for anything beyond what was absolutely required of me. If John asked me if I wanted to take a day trip to a nearby attraction I always said no. After all, a trip to the park would require too much walking, sitting, and pushing children on the swings. Sometimes I gave in and went on the trip, but we frequently left early, as I was too tired to finish the planned activities.

The fat seemed to wind itself around my hips, my thighs, my waist, my arms, and my soul.

Every day when I woke up and struggled to summon the energy to get out bed I swore to myself that I would quit eating so much. But every day the fat seemed to suck the determination out of my body and I allowed my lack of energy to be a self fulfilling prophecy. Once my weight reached over 300 pounds I literally felt suffocated and strangled. I felt paralyzed and unable to make healthy choices. It was at this point that I occasionally gave up on seriously trying to lose weight. My weight bounced around between 280and 305 pounds. Even though I didn’t join weight watchers or any such group, there were some times when I was able to lose the same 20 pounds over and over again. This inability to permanently lose weight frustrated me further.

I sank further and further into myself. My circle of friends, already tiny, shrank more until I only had two people whom I called close friends. Size 20, 22, 24, 26 and 28 clothing was outgrown until the only clothes that really fit me where ones I made for myself. I felt like an outsider in the world.
 
On that fateful day, when I turned my life around, the first thing I needed to do was poke a breathing hole in my fat suit. It wasn’t an easy thing to do. It was a little scary. I had to poke around and find a piece of myself among the layers of fat.
 
Somewhere in there I found enough space to begin. I had a glimmer of hope and confidence for the first time in 10 years. The unwrapping process had begun.
 
Day after day I found myself uncovering forgotten willpower, lost self esteem, and hidden abilities. With each reclaimed ability my fat suit got a little less puffy. Even before I had lost all 150 pounds, I was able to reveal more and more of myself. I learned that even when I was all covered in fat I was the same Diane I had always been. It was a bittersweet lesson to learn, because I grieved for the missed  opportunities.  Part of the uncovering process was accepting what I had missed, and promising myself to miss no more.
 
Wherever you are in your journey, I’d encourage you to believe in yourself. Don’t allow your outward appearance to dictate how you present yourself to the world. Even as you are travelling along your own path, work hard on rediscovering parts of yourself that you may have been hiding.  Diane

Filed Under: emotions, goal setting, self esteem Tagged With: , ,

Do You Have Fears About Weight Maintenance?

September 30, 2009 By

Reaching a certain weight. Smaller clothing sizes. Improved fitness levels. Better health. Those are some of the various goals that people have in mind as they work hard to see the scale move in a downward direction. As the scale moves closer to the “magic number” or the fitness levels increases to a new high, a strange phenomena sometimes happens.

Fear and worry set in.

I’ve seen it more times than I can count in the contact I have with individuals who are working hard to lose weight and get healthy. They lose some weight, and as they get closer and closer to their goal weight, they began to experience fear. Often times it seems as as if this fear leads them into complacency, and then the complacency sometimes causes them to regress back to old habits. Every time I see it happen it just breaks my heart, because I know how hard they’ve worked to reach their goals, and how much they wanted to maintain their success.

Personally, even though I tried to lose weight more times than I can count during my decade long struggle with obesity, I never got anywhere close to my goal weight. But, I did lose the same 20 pounds over and over again. It seemed like 20 pounds was the magic number for me. I’d lose 20 pounds and think, “I’ve got this problem licked, so I don’t really have to watch what I’m eating anymore.” And then as soon as I began to have those thoughts in my head, the pounds came back on, and usually a few of their friends came with them.

So for me, fear wasn’t an issue until the last time I lost weight. The more I lost and the closer I came to my goal weight the more concerned I got. What would life in maintenance look like for me?  Could I really keep off the 150 pounds? Would I keep up with the exercise? Could I stay fit? Could I prove to all the naysayers that I really wasn’t going to regain all my weight? Honestly? I wasn’t sure.

The first few months were a little bit frightening. I was thrilled to be a smaller size, a healthier weight, and much more fit. However, I was still learning to live in my new body, and feel out what I could and couldn’t eat without gaining weight. But after the first couple of months, maintenance was FUN!

I realized that fear and worry had no place in maintenance for me. Rather than fear I started to experience the fullness of life in a way I had forgotten. Fear was banished, complacency wasn’t part of my vocabulary, and I embraced my new body and attitude.

I’ve realized in speaking with people who have stopped short of reaching their goals, and regained their lost weight, that fear often times plays a role for them. Somewhere in their minds they are a little bit afraid of what the “thinner, more fit” person may be like. There is a comfort in the status quo, and to move past what they’ve always known into new territory can be scary. How do you feel when you think about maintenance and beyond? Is there any part of you that worries what it will be like?

If you do harbor some secret fear, I’d encourage you to take your hesitation and fear out of the closet and look at it in the light. I’d encourage you to trust me when I say that maintenance is the fun part – the reward for all the hard work you’ve been doing. There is nothing REAL to be afraid of. If you’ve lost weight by changing your relationship to food, getting fit and healthy, and worked on a true lifestyle change, then you can maintain that weight loss – rather it’s 20 pounds or 200. You can.

Don’t let fear of the future stand in your way or hinder your progress. Can you keep fear at bay? Do you have any fears? Diane, Fit to the Finish

Filed Under: Choices, emotions, goal setting, Weight Loss Tagged With: , ,

Are Secrets Hindering Your Success?

September 29, 2009 By

A few weeks ago, I got this comment from Vickie:

“Please add this to your list of things to write about – keeping secrets and why the secrets have to come out/stop in order to get to a place where one can lose weight, maintain losses and be happy (with themselves). It can be the number on the scale, the secret stash of food (which you have written about), or the daily habits. and I think that it can also be the $$$/debt on a credit card, the condition of the clutter in our house, how we spend our time, and lots of other things that we MAKE into secrets.”

I’ve been thinking about this topic ever since I got the comment from Vickie. Why do we keep secrets? I can’t speak for the world in general, but in my own life, I realized there were many reasons to explain why I kept/keep secrets.

  • Embarrassed/Ashamed
  • Protect Myself
  • Protect Other People
  • I Know What I’m Doing Is Wrong
  • Don’t Want Others To Emulate My Behavior
  • Fear
  • Uncertainty
  • Selfish
  • Power
  • Establish or Destroy Boundaries

As I was writing these things down the last one I wrote resonated with me. It seemed to be the common denominator among them all. When I was hiding food from my husband, or eating drive thru meals on the sly, I was putting up a fence between the Diane I wanted people to see, and the real Diane. And for me, that fence wasn’t a see thru chain link fence, but rather an 8 foot solid wood fence. It sent the message: DO NOT ENTER.

The boundaries I was establishing by keeping secrets were a hindrance to my progress. I realized as I was contemplating this question, that the secrets we keep from other people and from ourselves are often times determential to us, not only in weight loss, but also in life. As Vickie alluded to in her comment, there are many secrets that we can keep. Financial, emotional, cleanliness, habits, weight, etc. Is there any correlation between the keeping of secrets and our forward progress?

For me, there definitely was. It wasn’t until I could admit to myself that I was struggling with food and my secret habits were damaging my life and my body, that I could move forward. It’s similiar to shining a light in a dark room. Until the light is on you can’t see what’s hidden in there. And until you can see what’s hidden, you don’t know what you are dealing with.

Secrets for me weren’t just about food. They were about relationships and life. I kept things from John and my friends hoping that they wouldn’t think badly of me. The funny thing was, they didn’t think of me any differently once I showed them my secret food habits. In fact they were proud that I was strong enough to come clean, and that I trusted them.

Secrets have a way of being revealed whether we intend for them to be or not. And when they are revealed, there is sometimes pain. The pain in my life was what often sent me to food. Pulling the secrets out and really dealing with them helped move me past my dependence on food, and start relying more on my faith and on the realization that no secret was worth keeping if the consequences were bad for me.

Do I still have secrets? Of course! We all do. But knowing what secrets are okay to have, and which ones are bad for you is an important part of your success in life. It’s never easy to open yourself up, either internally or to other people, but sometimes it’s necessary and healing.

What are your thoughts on the secrets we keep? Harmful or helpful?  Diane

By the way – I got to tell my story to Skinny Scoopers Diet Detectives! They have a great newsletter too! 

P.S. This next week my goal is to get my act together with my blogrolls. If you’d like to be on there, please either let me know in the comments or email me at diane@fittothefinish.com. I’m going to keep it broken into two sections (I think), one for those “Fighting the Fight” and those for “Staying the Course.” If you’d let me know where you’d like to be placed that would be great!  I’ll keep this P.S. up on the next several posts so I can catch everyone who likes link love, and don’t we all!

Filed Under: Choices, excuses, Weight Loss Tagged With: , ,

“But I Made This For You”

September 23, 2009 By

The other day I had to make cookies to bring to our small group. There are about 10 of us, so I took enough cookies for everyone to have 3 if they so chose. Here’s a picture of the cookies. (I just had to put this up because most of my food isn’t worthy of a photograph, but these were pretty!) So forgive the cookie picture.

cookie close up

Anyway, we had a nice meal together and shared some good laughs and fellowship. We then watched an awesome documentary called The Heart of Texas. After the movie was over, everyone prepared to leave. I went into the kitchen and noticed there were several cookies left. I didn’t want to take them home, because there were already some at home! So I started offering them to the ladies that were still there. I offered to leave them with our hostess, Molly, but she refused. Then I tried to give them to our friend Kristy. She refused too. So, I took them home.

As we were riding home, I thought about how hard it used to be for me to refuse food that someone made. Store bought cookies were easy to say no to, but if I’m at Aunt Ida’s house, and she is standing there with a homemade cake or pie telling me, “But I made it just for you,” then that’s a different story. Before I started losing weight, I’d never turn down any food, store bought or not. But when I started dieting in earnest, I found myself unsure of what to do. Did I take the food just because she made it knowing I’d like it, or did I refuse the food and risk hurting her feelings?

I honestly don’t have the “right” answer for this. You may react differently than I did, but here’s what I finally decided to do. When confronted with this scenario, I had to make a decision. There were three alternatives as I saw it:

1.  Take the food but don’t eat it

2.  Take the food and eat it

3.  Refuse the food completely

I usually chose the third option, unless I knew I could take the food and not eat it without anybody noticing. For me, although it was uncomfortable to refuse outright, I really didn’t want to eat the sweet treat that was being offered. That treat didn’t fit it with my plan, and staying on plan was important to me. You may feel differently, and I totally respect that, but that’s how I felt.

What I always found interesting was how many times the hostess would repeatedly ask me, “Are you sure?” “Here, let me wrap some up for you.” “But you like chocolate cake.” “Why don’t you want any?” “You’re not trying to diet again are you?”

Sometimes it was almost comical how hard they would try and give me dessert. But after a few polite, “No, thank you’s,” they eventually gave up, and turned their attentions to someone else.

Uncomfortable? Yes, sometimes. But I never regretted not eating the treat. The times where I gave in when I didn’t want to were the times I regretted it.

What’s your feeling on this topic? It’s a sensitive one to be sure. I don’t think there is a right or wrong way to handle it though. Just as a side note – even all these years into maintenance, I still choose option number 3 more often than not. Not because I want to hurt someone’s feelings, but because often times the food they are offering really isn’t something I want right then.  Diane

By the way, Steve is doing a 100 day challenge with a homemade prize!

 

Filed Under: Choices, emotions, excuses, Weight Loss Tagged With: , , ,

Time to Focus on You

September 8, 2009 By

Right now, right where you are sitting, think about you. Where are you right now in your life? Where do you want to be six months from now?

As I was gaining weight to the point of morbid obesity, I had a hard time really focusing on where I was at that moment. I was constantly trying to see past the fat Diane and find the thin Diane. In doing so, I feel that I lost touch with myself.

When I finally started down the weight loss road for the last time, I realized with sudden clarity that in order to find my “thinner” self, I needed to accept where I was starting from, instead of only focusing on where I wanted to be. I really could visualize where I wanted to be, but appreciating the starting “me” took a little bit of time, and a lot of self-introspection.

I was so accustomed to putting my limited physical and emotional energy into my family, that I almost felt uncomfortable spending time focusing on myself. Even when I looked in the mirror each morning I tried to not really see myself.  So taking the time to analyze where I was at that moment was a challenge. It turned out to be one of the more life altering decisions I made.

I clearly recall standing in my bedroom looking at myself in the mirror. I forced myself to really see:

1) What I looked like

2) What good traits were hidden under my obesity

3) I was still the same person I had always been

Coming to terms with my appearance wasn’t as easy as it sounds. I had hated how I looked for so long, that acknowledging the parts of myself I needed to improve was easy. What wasn’t so easy was putting those flaws aside, and seeing there were still good things about my appearance. I came away that day beginning to believe that I could change the bad, and enhance the good.

Finding the good traits hidden under my obesity was really hard for me. I had participated in self-depreciating talk for so many years that acknowledging my good points was difficult. I really thought about what I was proud of. I was proud of my family, my faith, my commitment to completing activities, my social relationships, etc. There were many things I wasn’t proud of, but I didn’t have a hard time listing those! It was much harder to find positive things about myself. 

And finally realizing that I was the same person I had always been really helped me get started down the weight loss road on a positive note. Sure, I had become less social and less confident, but on the inside, I was still the same person I had always been. That was vital for me to realize. The old Diane was still inside, I had just stuffed her in and shut her up under the layers and layers of fat.

So when I began my journey I worked hard to enjoy each moment as it came. I started spending some time on my appearance, because I was worth it. I tried to stay proud of the things I was accomplishing, no matter how small, and even before I lost all my weight, I started to let the old Diane out of her shell.

Focusing on me wasn’t easy. I’m not introspective by nature, but one thing being obese taught me was the value of knowing yourself from the inside out. As you think about where you are right now, can you honestly appreciate who you are right now? Because until you do, getting to your goal may be harder than it needs to be.  Diane

Filed Under: Choices, emotions, obesity, self esteem Tagged With: , , , ,

Can You Just Eat to Live?

September 7, 2009 By

Unlike addictive substances like alcohol and nicotine, you can’t just turn your back on food. Food is an integral part of our lives and our health. That is all well and good, but what happens when we start using food as more than just fuel, and begin relying on food to fill other needs?

socrates is credited with the the quote: “Eat to live, not live to eat.” Even though he wasn’t writing on weight control, what he said thousands of years ago is still important today. Food is timeless, unchanging in its importance to our bodies throughout the centuries. The lesson he shows us is one I worked hard to learn and understand.

When I struggled with my own obesity, I wasn’t just eating to live. I had gone beyond using food as fuel and an enjoyable part of life, and moved into using food in an inappropriate way.

I was using food to fill emotional voids, keep me company when I was bored, and soothe emotional turmoil. I wasn’t just eating to live, I was living to eat.

Every waking moment was spent thinking about food. Rather I was in the midst of blow drying my hair, or preparing lunch for the children, I was thinking about food. “What would I make for my special snack later,” I’d think as I was opening kiddie yogurt containers. Even while eating an enormous dinner, somewhere in the back of my mind, I’d be planning for my after dinner treat. Food was my ever present companion, both physically and mentally.

So what does eating to live look like in real life?  For me, as a real life maintainer, (thanks Vickie for the term) eating, preparing, and enjoying food is still a big part of my day. Especially when you stop and remember that I have seven children, all of whom still live at home!

But my thoughts surrounding food have changed from near obsession, to pleasant planning. An example of this way of thinking might be how some of the food bloggers approach food. They obviously enjoy selecting, preparing and eating fine food. And although my food choices aren’t as exotic or as exciting as theirs, I nonetheless enjoy food. (Believe me, if I posted pictures of the food I ate, everyone would be booooored to tears!)

In the morning when I wake up I don’t think about the chocolate brownie left over from dinner anymore. I don’t worry that John took all of the leftover lasagna, nor do I fret when the children start to eat the last of the snacks. Rather I just go on with my morning, trying to get at least some of my daily chores done before the baby wakes up. When it’s time to make a meal, I just make what I planned, and leave it at that.

Food is no longer always on my mind. I still love to eat good food, but I don’t love thinking about food all the time. It’s been very freeing emotionally to let go of focusing on food all day long. I remember noticing the transition about midway through my weight loss. One day, at about 11:00 in the morning, I distinctly recall thinking, “I haven’t thought about extra food all morning.” I had begun the change.

How often do you think about food? I’m not saying it’s bad to think about food, because it certainly is not – but it may not be emotionally healthy to think about food all day long, every day, without fail. 

The transition for me came slowly, but it did come. It can come for you too. Diane

Filed Under: emotions, self esteem, Weight Loss Tagged With: , ,

Confidence and Weight – Related?

September 1, 2009 By

Self confidence is a trait that most of us aspire to possess. Some people just seem to have “it” no matter what their circumstances, appearance, or socioeconomic situation. Growing up, I had a lot of self confidence. I was just sure I could conquer the world, and rushed ahead of myself trying to get things done! But like so many other things in my life, as my appearance changed, my confidence changed too.

It was almost a directly proportional relationship. Weight up = Self confidence down

I knew it was happening. I could almost feel myself stumbling around trying to find the “Old Diane.” It made me mad both at myself for gaining weight, and for not being able to seem to find my self confidence among the folds of fat. It was swallowed up.

There was a time where John and I had to go to an office party for his job. I begged and pleaded not to go, but it was one of those events where spouses really were expected to attend. And even after John told me I didn’t have to go, I knew that I needed to support him. So, after spending a couple of fruitless hours at the mall trying to find a size 28 dress that wasn’t totally awful, I gave up and made a “fancy jumper.”  On the appointed day, the babysitter arrived on time, and we left for the party. It was held in the ballroom of a hotel, and the event was really well done.

I felt so out of place. Kinda like those commercials where the couple is going to a party and the husband tells the wife, “It’s casual dress.” Yet when they get to the party the hostess answers the door in a cocktail gown. That’s how I felt in my “fancy jumper” among all the cocktailed dressed women. I just wanted to go sit in the bathroom for the whole evening.

Once we made the obglitarory rounds, I took up a post standing at the very back of the room. A classic wallflower. My sweet husband stood by me, trying to get me to join in, but I was adamant that I wasn’t moving. When we finally got to leave, I was so stressed I made John swing through Wendy’s and get me a large Frosty. I finished it off even before we got all the way home.

I don’t share this store to elicit sympathy, because I realize that the choices I made were mine alone. I share this story to encourage you to hold your head up high no matter what your weight, and no matter how you feel about your appearance.

Sometimes, working on your self confidence is as important as working on your food choices. The two really can work together as best friends. It was harder for me to lose weight with such low self esteem. If I had managed to appreciate myself for the good qualities I possessed perhaps the weight loss would have been easier.

What are your thoughts on self confidence and weight loss success?   Diane

Filed Under: emotions, obesity, self esteem, Weight Loss Tagged With: , , ,
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